Frostheaved
Learning
I couldn't find the forum rules but from other posts I can see that I can at least talk about conventionally sensitive stuff.
I feel disgusting right now. I just need to get stuff out.
I have CPTSD with childhood abuse and other stuff. My mom has been the main cause of sufferings and in the past often had my younger join in on the "bullying." Then, between 2015 and 2016, I had intermittent sex with my younger brother. I was 15-16 and he was 12-13. I started it and encouraged him because I wanted him to get in trouble for hurting me one day, and then I'd be free from him. I regret introducing him to sex. We had a share of consensual sex. But there was a lot that was unconsensual. I remember there would be 1-2 times a month when he would come into my bed in the morning and, well, get it on, with me. I'm grey-asexual, which means I don't experience much sexually, and a lot of these times when he wanted to have sex I didnt want to. But I felt like I couldn't refuse him. He was always much nicer to me during intercourse than in my everyday, always concerned about hurting me or getting me pregnant (never did use protection though). I remember once though he humped me in a hurtful way to push me around, incorporating it into his bullying tactic. He only did that once though. Another time I remember I woke up with my pants down and no recollection of sex happening the night before or waking up during the night to have sex. I also remember always hating sucking his peen but having to do it anyways. I had a journal, a secret one because my mom confiscated my journal book (she didn't want me to write about crushes, and I wrote about crushes), but I didn't mention the sex until about midway through the time frame - at that point I was getting really tired of having sex and wanted to be found out.
During the same time frame, I was involved online with a 70 year old man, who was also a family friend I regularly met in real life with my family, whom I confided in and who encouraged my sexual activities with my brother. He wanted to have sexual activities with me as well, and he would talk about what he wanted to do to me. He was planning on going physical but I impulsively cut off contact before that happened. (Some of the reason behind my diagnosis is due to this. These days, I'm very afraid of older men. And just men in general really, including my dad.)
The memories are bothering me today. I've only touched on this once on a crisis chat, that was 2 years ago. I didnt talk about the details but they said it was very normal for siblings to have sex. I feel disgusting.
I have trouble with the very idea of sex. I think it's disgusting. I feel disgusted with myself during the rare times I do want it. My mom seems to think of sex as disgusting too. I remember she even called me slutty once for singing a pop song I liked when I was 13 or something. I think sex is impure and revolting and all sorts of negative things. I idealize certain people (like my therapist) and I feel that they are pure and untouched and should be so, but deep down I know that everybody has sex including those whom i try to maintain as pure in my head. And it absolutely disgusts me. I've been told off for "pushing my ideals" on people and it just... it's so disgusting! Everyone is repulsive!
I dont know where I wanted to go with this. I just needed to find a space where I could talk about this deeply-held stuff.
I feel disgusting right now. I just need to get stuff out.
I have CPTSD with childhood abuse and other stuff. My mom has been the main cause of sufferings and in the past often had my younger join in on the "bullying." Then, between 2015 and 2016, I had intermittent sex with my younger brother. I was 15-16 and he was 12-13. I started it and encouraged him because I wanted him to get in trouble for hurting me one day, and then I'd be free from him. I regret introducing him to sex. We had a share of consensual sex. But there was a lot that was unconsensual. I remember there would be 1-2 times a month when he would come into my bed in the morning and, well, get it on, with me. I'm grey-asexual, which means I don't experience much sexually, and a lot of these times when he wanted to have sex I didnt want to. But I felt like I couldn't refuse him. He was always much nicer to me during intercourse than in my everyday, always concerned about hurting me or getting me pregnant (never did use protection though). I remember once though he humped me in a hurtful way to push me around, incorporating it into his bullying tactic. He only did that once though. Another time I remember I woke up with my pants down and no recollection of sex happening the night before or waking up during the night to have sex. I also remember always hating sucking his peen but having to do it anyways. I had a journal, a secret one because my mom confiscated my journal book (she didn't want me to write about crushes, and I wrote about crushes), but I didn't mention the sex until about midway through the time frame - at that point I was getting really tired of having sex and wanted to be found out.
During the same time frame, I was involved online with a 70 year old man, who was also a family friend I regularly met in real life with my family, whom I confided in and who encouraged my sexual activities with my brother. He wanted to have sexual activities with me as well, and he would talk about what he wanted to do to me. He was planning on going physical but I impulsively cut off contact before that happened. (Some of the reason behind my diagnosis is due to this. These days, I'm very afraid of older men. And just men in general really, including my dad.)
The memories are bothering me today. I've only touched on this once on a crisis chat, that was 2 years ago. I didnt talk about the details but they said it was very normal for siblings to have sex. I feel disgusting.
I have trouble with the very idea of sex. I think it's disgusting. I feel disgusted with myself during the rare times I do want it. My mom seems to think of sex as disgusting too. I remember she even called me slutty once for singing a pop song I liked when I was 13 or something. I think sex is impure and revolting and all sorts of negative things. I idealize certain people (like my therapist) and I feel that they are pure and untouched and should be so, but deep down I know that everybody has sex including those whom i try to maintain as pure in my head. And it absolutely disgusts me. I've been told off for "pushing my ideals" on people and it just... it's so disgusting! Everyone is repulsive!
I dont know where I wanted to go with this. I just needed to find a space where I could talk about this deeply-held stuff.