Relationship Needing help understanding

NoGoodDeed

New Here
This though ^^^
This reads as a sign of someone who has internalised someone else's (controlling and manipulative) narrative. What issues have you exactly caused him?!

Where are you in this equation with him?
What about what you deserve? Which is to have friends, smoke weed or not (your choice - if he doesn't want to be with someone smoking weed he can leave), do what you want.

Do you have friends you can talk this over with? Are they worried about how he treats you?
I haven’t really told my friends about our relationship. Mostly because he’s still married and I’m ashamed of my position in this situation. I never imagined I’d be the other woman. I definitely deserve to have friends. It is unfair for him to decide that my friends should only be women. Especially since I’m a tomboy. I’ve always gotten along with men better than women. I understand that being completely sober could be perceived as being healthier than smoking pot. But if my coping mechanism reduces my anxiety, depression and pain, is it really healthier to not cope? I can see both sides to the cannabis coin. But I have benefited greatly from having it.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Maybe talking to your friends about the whole situation might help?
If shame is stopping you, maybe there are some tough questions you have to ask yourself?

I'm a stranger on the internet, and I'm aware you have posted on the supporter section of this forum, and I'm not a supporter and there are rules about supporters supporting each other and us PTSD heads minding our own a bit in this section, so I will wind my neck in after I say:

Someone who is married to someone else, really doesn't get a say on what you do and who you see. Actually, no one gets to say what you do and who you see.

Wishing you luck. And hope you get the relationship you want and makes you happy.
 

NoGoodDeed

New Here
Hi @NoGoodDeed wanted to suggest looking at the book 'why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft, some of the behaviours you describe sound like red flags to me. Hope you'll consider it.
I just downloaded it. Thank you.

Maybe talking to your friends about the whole situation might help?
If shame is stopping you, maybe there are some tough questions you have to ask yourself?

I'm a stranger on the internet, and I'm aware you have posted on the supporter section of this forum, and I'm not a supporter and there are rules about supporters supporting each other and us PTSD heads minding our own a bit in this section, so I will wind my neck in after I say:

Someone who is married to someone else, really doesn't get a say on what you do and who you see. Actually, no one gets to say what you do and who you see.

Wishing you luck. And hope you get the relationship you want and makes you happy.
I appreciate your perspective though. I’m looking for someone with PTSD to explain what I can do to help him. But I can’t avoid saying names, phrases etc.
 

Freida

MyPTSD Pro
From the sufferer side -- I have to agree with the others
This isn't him having ptsd
This is him being an abusive asshat.

Just because we have ptsd doesn't give us the right to control or abuse those around us. EVER

The injured cop thing? Sure - that could cause it but that's not an excuses for what is making him act like this.

This might be worth a look....
What is domestic violence

I don't mean to be harsh -- truly.
but this.
It sucks that I feel like I’m causing him pain by living a normal life.

I am afraid that the only way he will heal from the issues I have caused him is to leave him alone. :(
is why I'm suggesting you talk to them
Because this is about as untrue as you can get
And it's kinda scary he's convinced you that it's real
It's not
ptsd or no ptsd - it's not your fault he isn't coping

Don't think just because he was a cop he can't be an abuser. It happens all the time.
Get out.
If he wants you back he will do the work
If he doesn't? Then you know you made the right choice

Don't let him make you carry his burden.
It's not yours.
you dont deserve to be treated like this.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
I’m looking for someone with PTSD to explain what I can do to help him. But I can’t avoid saying names, phrases etc.

Here’s the deal... you can’t help him. Supporters cannot help or fix. This is a mental illness, and he has to get treatment and work on it himself. You aren’t going to do or say anything that will fix any of it. And you’re right, you cannot avoid saying or doing things that will trigger him. That’s why his triggers and stressors are his responsibility to manage, not yours. They’re happening in his head.

His behavior is not cool. Just because he has PTSD doesn’t mean all his actions are explained by PTSD. Sometimes it’s just plain old bad behavior. What he’s doing is unacceptable.

I’m a supporter, and one of the WORST things a supporter can do is excuse crap behavior because their partner has PTSD. Controlling and jealous behavior isn’t a symptom of PTSD. In fact I’d say his britches are mighty big for a married man who has a girlfriend.

🚩 🚩
 
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Sideways

Moderator
He's allowed to have a wife but you're not allowed to be friends with parents of your daughter's friends? What???

You're allowed to have other men in your life. Any attempt by your partner to deny you that? Is DV (totally agree with @Freida ).

That's not gonna work.
It's also nothing to do with ptsd.

He's got a lot of issues to work through. If he learns to respect you? And trust you? And get his divorce finalised? There may be the possibility for an intimate relationship.

In the meantime? You deserve friends. You need friends. And you deserve to be treated with respect.
 
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