Willowtree
Bronze Member
Hi there,
I've been on this forum for the past few days, and it seems like a really positive environment for support. I know all situations/supporters/survivors are different, but I'm just looking for some insight/answers. Sorry if this is longwinded. I am having a rough time, and just feel I need all the info i can get.
I have been in a relationship with a CSA survivor for 2 years. We were very in love. he is a very loving, compassionate and wonderful man. He has always tried his best to love me, be here for me, and be honest with me. He began to distance himself 7 months in. He kept secrets, just little silly things like wouldn't tell me what he did with his day, or anything about his past relationships. I know he is a private person, but and then it exculated to taking Viagra before we would make love and either not tell me or lie to me. One night, I asked him to make love, and he couldn't, saying he was tired. He waited until i fell asleep, and then he went to the bathroom and masturbated. I woke up and was very very angry with him. These types of things kept happening. I am afraid I did not react in the best way, I was traumatized by my own past, and felt maybe he was cheating on me, I wasn't hot/sexy/good enough for him at all. I internalized a lot of what was going on, as my fault. That was just an example, but we could never get past those things. He never wanted to talk about it, or resolve any conflicts.
After that, we stayed together, but things just got worse and worse. the fighting escalated, and the more he would pull away, the more i would chase him. pretty soon, he was out the door. Such a far cry from how we started.
That was in December. Since then, the last 9 months, I have been in therapy, taken personal growth courses, joined support forums, and also a support group. i have done much healing for myself, and research into my own attachment style, abandonment issues, and anger issues. I feel even in the past 6 months, I have done a lot of work. its been so tough and honestly, the worst year of my life. Unearthing a lot of things that were buried. it has helped me reach a level of compassion and patience within myself, for my CSA, and just for our unfortunate crumbling of the relationship.
Since then, him and I have been on and off. It has been a very trying year for me, because I've had to learn patience and empathy for him, even when it is not given back. There have been moments where i have been ignored, stonewalled, and blocked. it was gutting at first. In feb, he had agreed to try again. the same patterns kept repeating, and he broke it off in April. He came back in june. Again, he would get close, and then run again. It has been this way since then.
I have tried to create a safe space for him, in order to open up. Its been so push/pull. One day he comes closer to me, and then next he acts as if I'm not there or he is very short. (not cold, just kinda short with texts, etc)
We have slept together, and he seems quite excited/happy/functional when we are physically intimate. He just can't seem to be emotional with me anymore. its as if he is behind a glass wall, and i can't seem to touch him. Before, my approach would have been to try to smash through it. but i know that will get me nowhere. He started to open up to me the other day, and then had to get into the shower after he became so flustered and couldn't get the words out. I let him have his space, and then knocked on the door, to see if i could join him. he agreed, and we kissed and i just kind of held him and nurtured him.
After that, he shut down again. We went to the movies a few days later. he didn't touch me at all. Its so confusing to me, and when i try to talk to him, about ANYTHING emotional, he just shuts me out. Im so exhausted. I reached out and offered him help to see someone, and he blocked me from all communication. I didn't mean any disrespect, or to overwhelm him. he just says he can't deal with anything and he's not in a place for "this". I love this man, and I see his struggle, and how he tries. I want him to be happy, healthy, and yes, I also want us to be able to experience intimacy on a deeper level. I can see that he wants that too, but without him saying anything, I don't want to just assume.
Anyways, I am physically sick from all of this. my body is under a lot of stress. I stayed home from work today. i basically just sat here and read lots of posts on this forum. I wish I was one of those people who can deal with the push/pull and come back with patience, but I'm feeling frustrated. i feel guilty. I'm trying to be one of those women who is there, who shows she cares, but I feel my own emotional needs are not being met. All I'm asking for is a conversation. Im feeling hopeless, rundown, and even now, I'm worried about him. I feel I could sleep for 2 weeks right now, yet I can't sleep at all.
Somewhere deep inside, I know I'm not a bad person. Still, I can't help but feel any move i make, is misconstrued as intrusive or not respecting him. its not the case, I just see the love thats there, and its a horrible feeling not being able to reach him.
I've been on this forum for the past few days, and it seems like a really positive environment for support. I know all situations/supporters/survivors are different, but I'm just looking for some insight/answers. Sorry if this is longwinded. I am having a rough time, and just feel I need all the info i can get.
I have been in a relationship with a CSA survivor for 2 years. We were very in love. he is a very loving, compassionate and wonderful man. He has always tried his best to love me, be here for me, and be honest with me. He began to distance himself 7 months in. He kept secrets, just little silly things like wouldn't tell me what he did with his day, or anything about his past relationships. I know he is a private person, but and then it exculated to taking Viagra before we would make love and either not tell me or lie to me. One night, I asked him to make love, and he couldn't, saying he was tired. He waited until i fell asleep, and then he went to the bathroom and masturbated. I woke up and was very very angry with him. These types of things kept happening. I am afraid I did not react in the best way, I was traumatized by my own past, and felt maybe he was cheating on me, I wasn't hot/sexy/good enough for him at all. I internalized a lot of what was going on, as my fault. That was just an example, but we could never get past those things. He never wanted to talk about it, or resolve any conflicts.
After that, we stayed together, but things just got worse and worse. the fighting escalated, and the more he would pull away, the more i would chase him. pretty soon, he was out the door. Such a far cry from how we started.
That was in December. Since then, the last 9 months, I have been in therapy, taken personal growth courses, joined support forums, and also a support group. i have done much healing for myself, and research into my own attachment style, abandonment issues, and anger issues. I feel even in the past 6 months, I have done a lot of work. its been so tough and honestly, the worst year of my life. Unearthing a lot of things that were buried. it has helped me reach a level of compassion and patience within myself, for my CSA, and just for our unfortunate crumbling of the relationship.
Since then, him and I have been on and off. It has been a very trying year for me, because I've had to learn patience and empathy for him, even when it is not given back. There have been moments where i have been ignored, stonewalled, and blocked. it was gutting at first. In feb, he had agreed to try again. the same patterns kept repeating, and he broke it off in April. He came back in june. Again, he would get close, and then run again. It has been this way since then.
I have tried to create a safe space for him, in order to open up. Its been so push/pull. One day he comes closer to me, and then next he acts as if I'm not there or he is very short. (not cold, just kinda short with texts, etc)
We have slept together, and he seems quite excited/happy/functional when we are physically intimate. He just can't seem to be emotional with me anymore. its as if he is behind a glass wall, and i can't seem to touch him. Before, my approach would have been to try to smash through it. but i know that will get me nowhere. He started to open up to me the other day, and then had to get into the shower after he became so flustered and couldn't get the words out. I let him have his space, and then knocked on the door, to see if i could join him. he agreed, and we kissed and i just kind of held him and nurtured him.
After that, he shut down again. We went to the movies a few days later. he didn't touch me at all. Its so confusing to me, and when i try to talk to him, about ANYTHING emotional, he just shuts me out. Im so exhausted. I reached out and offered him help to see someone, and he blocked me from all communication. I didn't mean any disrespect, or to overwhelm him. he just says he can't deal with anything and he's not in a place for "this". I love this man, and I see his struggle, and how he tries. I want him to be happy, healthy, and yes, I also want us to be able to experience intimacy on a deeper level. I can see that he wants that too, but without him saying anything, I don't want to just assume.
Anyways, I am physically sick from all of this. my body is under a lot of stress. I stayed home from work today. i basically just sat here and read lots of posts on this forum. I wish I was one of those people who can deal with the push/pull and come back with patience, but I'm feeling frustrated. i feel guilty. I'm trying to be one of those women who is there, who shows she cares, but I feel my own emotional needs are not being met. All I'm asking for is a conversation. Im feeling hopeless, rundown, and even now, I'm worried about him. I feel I could sleep for 2 weeks right now, yet I can't sleep at all.
Somewhere deep inside, I know I'm not a bad person. Still, I can't help but feel any move i make, is misconstrued as intrusive or not respecting him. its not the case, I just see the love thats there, and its a horrible feeling not being able to reach him.
