Needing Some Compassion!

[Hope4Now]

I feel like a lot of the progress I've made in the past months is draining away. I'm freaking out on the inside. Had gone on a much needed family vacation and had a perfect night on Sunday. Then got call my mother was taken to ER. Because I've been so sick and exhausted, I decided to wait a day to come back. She is one of the major sources of my PTSD. I have been working very hard to set physical and emotional boundaries with her.

Now I am sitting in the hospital waiting for someone to tell me what's going on. My mother has been taken for a cat scan for some reason.

This has all massively triggered all kinds of childhood panic and helplessness and compulsion to do something to save my mother and anger at myself my own failures etc.

I am trying very very hard to stay grounded, not to get swept back into the vortex or go emotionally dead again...trying to tell myself that I am not responsible for all this.

The other woman in the room here has been sobbing for over an hour while someone is trying to support her and I'm feeling like I need to help her too...

Just feeling mostly like every time I am finally able to relax just a little, like on Sunday night, something bad happens.

 

[arfie]

No, my friend, that progress is not draining away, however much it may feel like it. It is merely being tested and it sounds like it is being tested quite thoroughly. Gentle support while you remember your progress and pull it out in this time of need. Let me add my voice to the insistence that you are NOT responsible for this. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you cannot cure it.

Be gentle with yourself and please do not get discouraged. Small steps. Deep breaths.

In my world, bad things happen whether I allow myself joys, or not. The joys give me the strength to navigate the sorrow with a bit more compassion and intelligence.

 

[franciemarnie]

(((@hope4now )))

I am so sorry you are going thru this. Nothing triggers me like family, then you throw in an emergency and Whoa!!!

You are not at fault in any way.

It is so difficult to be in an actual emergency type situation when you are exhausted and have PTSD. Your body/brain may be pulling out all the stops to gear you up for the trouble your primitive brain senses is imminent.

Try to have compassion for yourself as if it were one of us going thru this. Maybe consider how you would advise us and apply it to you.

I am afraid though that this is simply a very, very rough situation for you to be in. Very painful on so many levels. But you will get thru it, and you have loads of compassion coming towards you from me.

 

[Spiderallis]

Just this afternoon my T told me "Sometimes the path isn't as steeply leaning upward, but you're still going in the right direction", maybe she gave me that so I could share some with you. Family medical emergencies are difficult to deal with, even when there's not triggers and traumas tangled into things. Anyone with the slightest bit of empathy gets those feelings of helplessness when trying to handle situations like yours. It's not your fault at all, these things happen and none of us humans ever really know why. The biggest risk to caregivers is forgetting to care for themselves, please try to take some time for yourself and recharge- I know it's hard to do, but it'll make everything else a little easier.

 

[Hope4Now]

Thank you all. I need these words of advice from others because they're not coming from within enough to keep me from drowning in all this. Thank you.

 

[Mystery]

Hi Hope4Now, you have my full compassion. Your Mother is very fortunate to have such a kind, caring, forgiving, emotionally intelligent daughter and when you see her, hold that knowing in your heart. ((((Hugs))))

 

[scout86]

Remember to breathe!

I'm hoping your mom is ok and that you get some information soon. (And, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!)

 

[KwanYingirl]

There is no easy way for anyone to sit and wait and ruminate while waiting for a diagnosis in a hospital. Stack your PTSD on top of that and it just magnifies everything, even spilling into feeling responsible for her roommate. I feel deeply for you, you have such wisdom and clarity. Allow yourself to feel fear, anger, frustration because those are normal emotions under your current situation. They don't feel good, they trigger us. Today you are a grown woman with many gifts. Stay with that and focus on the healers around you. Your mothers journey is hers to travel. Hopefully she cooperates and all goes well. You haven't lost any of the progress you've made. It's with you, watch it shine. Best wishes.

 

[Hope4Now]

I am breathing. I am missing my husband and kids but weirdly glad also that I don't have to be on for them too. I am home now. Have to wait until at least tomorrow for test results on my mother.

The saving grace right now is that she seems to be in a surprisingly peaceful mood--which is eerie in and of itself.

I am trying very hard to stay in my current self and stay with the chaos of feelings swirling around in me. I know enough to know that I'm cycling in and out of derealization mode.

One moment at a time. What is going to be hardest is all the time I will need to spend with her in the coming week. I had managed to whittle it down to a 1x week outing and 3-4 phone calls. That was helping my healing a lot. But I can do this...I think.

Thank you all again for your words of encouragement. It really helps to know you're out there thinking of me.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You are doing amazing in a very scary situation. Remember your boundries and limits. There is only so much of you to go around. I wish the best possible outcome for you. Big hugs.

 

[greenleaf]

Your progress isn't all draining away! Even if you feel horrible for a while, I hope a short while, the progress will still be there once the emergency is resolved.

 

[Valentino]

I feel like a lot of the progress I've made in the past months is draining away. I'm freaking out on the inside.

I think that your conscious awareness while freaking out the inside is a big sign of progress. It's an experiential hands on learning process of trying to retrain the instinctual 'fight or flight' limbic system. Awareness and recognition while being triggered, is a form of exposure therapy which can desensitize and weaken unconscious triggers.

I'm doubtful that there is any genuine method that avoids the discomfort and overwhelm of getting triggered. No amount of intellectual or emotional planning, preparation and training is going to be able to replace embodied instinctual learning.

Amygdala Hijack is a term coined by Daniel Goleman to describe the instinctual triggering process:

From the thalamus, a part of the stimulus goes directly to the amygdala while another part is sent to the neocortex or "thinking brain". If the amygdala perceives a match to the stimulus, i.e., if the record of experiences in the hippocampus tells the amygdala that it is a fight, flight or freeze situation, then the amygdala triggers the HPA (hypothalmic-pituitary-adrenal) axis and hijacks the rational brain. This emotional brain activity processes information milliseconds earlier than the rational brain, so in case of a match, the amygdala acts before any possible direction from the neocortex can be received. If, however, the amygdala does not find any match to the stimulus received with its recorded threatening situations, then it acts according to the directions received from the neo-cortex. When the amygdala perceives a threat, it can lead that person to react irrationally and destructively.

Goleman states that "[e]motions make us pay attention right now — this is urgent - and gives us an immediate action plan without having to think twice. The emotional component evolved very early: Do I eat it, or does it eat me?" The emotional response "can take over the rest of the brain in a millisecond if threatened." An amygdala hijack exhibits three signs: strong emotional reaction, sudden onset, and post-episode realization if the reaction was inappropriate.
---- source wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amygdala_hijack

Flipping Your Lid is how Dan Siegel describes it and here he offers a very simple and powerful hand model as a example for how the brain works:

This video offers more scientific explanation of the process: