Needing support from other sufferers - disclosed in brand new relationship

[Deleted member 43031]

OK here goes, it took EVERYTHING, I mean everything I had to tell a guy I knew a long time ago, and we ran into each other again decades later (at a Christmas eve party this year)..... a first date, easy - a movie and home. Perfect, manageable. then texts and a conversation or two this week.... supposed to have a 2nd date tomorrow, Saturday - but what he wanted to do was way past my ability to handle, mentally and physically.

I have fibromyalgia, CFS, adrenal insufficiency, PTSD (from abuse by my father my whole life), TBI and I exhaust and stress out SO fast. Oh two car accidents the first in 2015, 2nd 2017.... I had a brain injury that was not healed when I got into the second....SO .... I did it, I first tried to explain why I could not go to two museums and out for Tia food (don't like it) in one day.... I have limitations due to invisible disabilities I have and he JUST did NOT get it.

So after we hung up I spent HOURS, exhausting hours and expended precious energy I did not have to spare, found a link with an article in it called "BUT YOU LOOK GOOD: LIVING WITH DISBELIEF OF INVISIBLE ILLNESS AND PAIN". I sent it to him that night. late last night. I have never felt so utterly vulnerable and exposed. We didn't talk tonight and all he wrote in a text to me today was "I read the link you sent" with nothing else. I can barely breathe as I am sure I will be brushed aside as a cry baby (which I never do).... or rejected because I gathered up all my strength and put it out there, because I cannot handle someone, anyone in my life - who won't try to understand - I have limitations and there are times I need to be alone.

I hate the waiting, HATE IT. But I was brave and let him know, I have limitations and here is the reason why. The article was good - true spot on. WE always feel like we have to protect others and keep quiet for THEIR comfort, but what about US? Haven't we earned the right to feel safe and supported and understood, if we have to cut something short because suddenly our energy drops? And isn't it better they have a grasp of why before it all begins?

So now, I told him clearly and directly and am utterly terrified of rejection, judgement and am beating myself up because I want to feel safe for once and respected, accepted for who I am in this moment now, no matter what. I was BRAVE - I took the risk.... we were supposed to go out tomorrow and talk about it tonight, but that didn't happen. Now I feel dread... and do not want to feel more hurt and humiliation because I finally spoke the truth about my invisible CRUSHING disabilities.... please someone say something supportive to me, I am so scared and really need it. I have to wait to see if he can handle it. HELP!

 

[ladee]

I admire your courage to let him know, and try and educate him to what is going on with you... you also have the right to not wait to hear from him.. to ease your stress, you can email him again, and ask him what the thought of the article... try to engage him about this... it may overwhelming for him..and we can only speculate...

You can only follow thru about asking him what he thought... and if he says he is not prepared to do what it takes to be supportive, then that is him being honest with you... hard not to take personal, but at the same time... give him a chance to be honest instead of worrying if he will call or not... the possibility he isn't prepared may keep him from contacting you... but give him a chance, so that you have no regrets, and know that you faced this head on... you will gain courage and self esteem either way... good luck... hope y'all are able to have a conversation.... and you can stop projecting rejection ....

and if he is not the one, someone else will come along that is willing... you didn't hide your truth... and that took courage... now let him know you are ready to talk about it... good luck.

 

[Freida]

You were amazingly brave!!! Good job!!

It's a lot of info for someone to absorb so he may be waiting to sort out how he feels about what you have shared so he gets it right when he contacts you. That would be a good thing...it means he is thoughtful.

And if he can't meet your needs that's ok too....because you have defined them! From this point forward you will know exactly what to say to people in the future....And that is huge!

 

[Deleted member 43031]

I wanted him to know my limits.... not take care of me or rescue me but to with an informed kindness honor my boundaries. I am so shaken. That article was a start, and I've lost sleep ... I wanted to follow up with a conversation. I keep second guessing myself.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I have a shitload of health issues too, including yet another concussion in Dec of 2016 that I felt has really screwed with my memory. So, I get what you’re saying about, looking good and feeling like shit. When people meet me, they think I’m 10 yrs younger than I am and are so impressed because I seem to be healthy. Then I tell them everything that’s wrong with me. Hahahahahaha

All I can say is this..... Stop beating yourself up, you were honest and brave to tell him in the first place. Basically it was a boundary and letting him know up front what to expect and what your limitations are. If he can’t handle this, then you know it wasn’t meant to be. This really isn’t about you anymore, it’s about him and what his limitations are,,,,,,

I wouldn’t sit by the phone. Or wait for an email. Don’t set yourself up for hurt. Have low expectations and If somehow he contacts you then be happy. If he doesn’t.... Then he couldn’t handle it. And that’s ok too....

 

[Rani G2]

This really isn’t ab

This sentence I need to hang on my wall, regarding other people

 

[EveHarrington]

You made yourself vulnerable!

AWESOME!

Be proud of yourself!

Brené Brown says that in order to have love in our lives, we must take chances, we must be vulnerable. And the thing about vulnerability and putting ourselves out there is that we WILL fall on our butt and/or face many many times in the process. It’s to be expected.

The great thing is that you took a chance. CONGRATS!

 

[Deleted member 43031]

thanks you guys! Your support is invaluable. NO ONE I know gets it, but you all do.

 

[wishball]

OK here goes, it took EVERYTHING, I mean everything I had to tell a guy I knew a long time ago...

First congratulations for having the strength and vulnerability to open up. I know it can be crushing when you open up to people and they just shrug it off. At some level I would tell them in order to feel some sense of validation, and when the seemed apathetic to it, in a sense I felt abused again. I don't disclose my PTSD for validation any more, rather it is for their information - or full disclose. That said I don't tell everyone about my PTSD as I've learned to be more fair with myself. Why provide full disclosure and open ourselves up if we are not sure if we click?

 

[Deleted member 44240]

OK here goes, it took EVERYTHING, I mean everything I had to tell a guy I knew a long time ago...

@FranklyMyDear... Please know that you are and will always be supported. You have a host of people here who get it and want the best for you. There are those who may not get it and that’s ok, because they didn’t need to be in your life anyway. Try to relax your thoughts and try not to think about what could have been. You deserve to be accepted for who you are, not what they want you to be.

Love and blessings if you accept it :)

 

[Deleted member 43031]

First congratulations for having the strength and ...

Hello and thanks! - Right on, wishball, actually, last night I tried several times to share the 'date experience; <here> but just could not. In effect he may not 'get' it, and the one thing I did not really address is my PTSD. Ultimately, this guy is a fixer-upper and one thing I have no strength for is having to teach a human how to be in a relationship. It was utterly a cathartic, frightening purge to just lay it all out there to this guy who in essence just DIDN't get it. Here is the aha moment for. me: oh my god it IS REAL, I, me, myself - want to brush it off as I "look" normal, hell I am downright attractive :).....yes, so putting it out there made it sink in further with me, therefore after years - I still want it to not be real myself. "Self-Insight Moment!". I am going to share what I wrote to him in a letter after he read the article on "Invisible disabilities".... here goes:

"Dear X,
I have these limitations... and cannot handle any sense of pressure or disappointment around what I am able or unable to do. I am freaked out totally. I like low key and one event at a time. Maybe few hours at a museum.... then a place close by without crazy crowds to eat at.

I remember talking to a pastor (a very cool and good friend) when I was in the process of my divorce; I told him who would want me, when I am broken - ? (ie; fibromyalgia. etc) Who would love me? He said that should not matter, it's who you are not what you are.

But I realized how exquisitely sensitive I am to this when you texted to me what you wanted to do 2 museums & tia food. So pay attention to this: I still feel that way. It crushes me that I cannot go at the pace I once went at. I remember after the accident in 2015 - I was in xxxxx city when it happened and was stuck there 4 days until I had it together enough to fly home. Then I had to line people up to help. I have lost time after that - I did nothing for over a year but just survive - I was so messed up. Then in April 2017 another one. I spent last summer struggling, my brain a train wreck. My camera was a saving grace, I took camera walks in my neighborhood - and was amazed at how much I learned and it gave me such pleasure.

If your willing to go at a snails pace and keep it simple.... understanding that I have boundaries and limitations dictated by my challenges... and don't resent me or any of that for me saying I can't handle something.... etc, we're good. I am very cagey around this. I will bolt so fast if I do not feel safe w/ another person around what I can or can't do, I want to be unconditionally accepted right here right now.

What works for me is a carefully planned day - that we plan in advance with the understanding that if I start to fade, we cut it short or re-route our plans. Or keep the day short to begin with. Ask ask ask. Learn me, many consider me eccentric, I am, but also authentic, wild waters run deep.... life is an onion, every layer reveals truths we could not conceive until we got there.

The upside: where's the fire? No rush, take our time and go at a pace we both can manage....I want to experience things with you - and do things that
make both of us happy." ~end of letter~ and THANK YOU wishball xo

 

[ladee]

Absolutely PERFECT !!! Good for you !!!