Neglectful Parenting: I Need Resources To Share With My Husband

[NIKI]

Hi, maybe you could invite your husband to some of your T sessions. I totally agree with AdamAnt, I believe your husband is so frustrated that he can't SAVE you that he doesn't know what to do but shutdown. I can see that by how he ran to save you when you had your bike accident, he could do something to help you and it made him feel good. BTW I heard ALL the same things you did as a child from my mother, I wish you were dead, wish I never had kids, wish I never had you!! In my brain it still feels like she said it yesterday! I haven't spoken to my parents in years. NIKI

 

[Grandpalw]

dharmaBum,
I will try to PM you with some sites that helped me. I am an avid researcher/reader, and love to learn all I can about a wide variety of subjects. I am not sure what I was reading when I experienced the epiphany of what terrible issues and struggles my wife has dealt with. I over the years had learned of bits and pieces of her childhood, what little she remembered and would share. But only during the reading of some rather vivid first hand accounts of the abuses some survivors had suffered, did I understand, and even now as I write the word understand, I apologize to you survivors, as you must be thinking that I could never understand, and you are absolutely correct, I can never truly understand. But at one point, while reading some of those accounts, I sat and shuddered, and started crying as I came to realize, only in part, how horrible it must be to abused in this manner. That experience changed me, as I now try to be for more empathetic towards my wife.

And NIKI in many ways hit the nail on the head. All I have ever wanted to do is be able to make my wife feel better, feel loved, feel appreciated, feel trust, but for 28 years she was not able to do that. It is horrible to have to watch someone you love suffer and not be able to make them feel better. Men are fixers. We just want to fix things, and CPTSD can't be fixed. We don't know what to do and when we don't know what to do we get frustrated and then angry.

 

[dharmaBum]

I welcome the resources Grandpalw :)

We continue to struggle with this issue, especially as I am involved in an active criminal court case concerning 5 years of sexual exploitation and rape as a child and the PTSD symptoms go up and down.

Fortunately it seems that just the other night he and I had somewhat of a breakthrough in understanding. He had actually questioned me about why I hadn't told him that I had been experiencing intrusive memories all day [that can take up about 40% to 100% of my attention while managing (or not) the tasks of life]. I began to talk to him again of his detachment and his willingness to let my PTSD be something that is only an issue when it inconveniences him.

He talked of my PTSD symptoms as an illness that he has come to accept. He compared PTSD with cancer and I extended that analogy to ask, wouldn't he learn everything he could about the causes and treatment of cancer if I had it? He, self-admittedly, has read/learned almost nothing about PTSD and surely nothing about CPTSD. That made slight headway, but the real change came when I asked him how we would react if our 5-year old daughter was going through what I am. What would he do then, to help her?

The sound of that question changing his perception of his behavior/attitude was nearly palpable.

It helped him connect a disdain that he has for perceived self-pity on the part of an ill person with his detachment from me as I struggle with PTSD symptoms. He readily admitted how poorly he takes care of me even when I am physically ill and that he isn't sure why that is the case.

At least after that conversation, I saw truer compassion and understanding in his eyes and expression. I felt more comforted crying in his arms.

I told him about this forum when I first joined and asked him to read what I have posted here. He never declined, but did not read. We talked about it again and he says that he feels the forum concept is awkward. Right before the good part of the discussion mentioned above, there was a bad part about how he, "didn't want to read anybody's rape stories," in response to my request again that he read my diary posted here, since talking to him is so difficult. He hasn't even read my treatment notes from my EMDR therapist.

Protectively, and I believe rightly so, he does not want to expose himself to detailed trauma descriptions. He attended one counseling appointment (ended up being a bit of a fringe provider who my husband had a bad chemistry reaction to) to learn more about the diagnosis of PTSD and how long recovery should take. I want to find out how to share information with him about my trauma history, which my EMDR provider says is the most extensive of any client she has worked with, in a way that is appropriate for him.

 

[Clyde]

Do you think it would help to just give him some really straightforward instructions? Maybe even a list of phrases that you feel would help you to feel listened to? My girlfriend once made me a list of things to do when she is "freaked out," and it really helped.

This was after she got frustrated with me about not knowing enough about PTSD, and so I did a bunch of reading but that still didn't make what she needed the logical or obvious thing for me to do. I wanted to help her, but what I was doing just wasn't helping, and it just got worse and worse because the things I would try would sometimes backfire, and then I was afraid to do anything.

I'm not at all sure that this is related to what you're describing, but for example, I would try being really soothing, but then it would seem like she wasn't responding to that, and so I would mentally move on to the next thing that seemed like it might be useful. She really just wanted me to be soothing and wait it out, even though in my mind, I had tried that and it hadn't worked, so I was going to try something else. The normal feedback I might expect from someone not in a traumatic state wasn't present. Still, being able to explain it this way, in the moment I feel like it never "makes sense."

This is something (from the carer side) I've really been struggling with. It seems to me that the way she experiences her PTSD has shifted, and my list isn't working as well as it use to any more.

 

[dharmaBum]

Thanks for your thoughts Clyde :)

 

[krenchie]

My husband experienced emotional abandonment as a child and has never shared with me memories from earlier than the age of 16, which is when he moved away from home. I want him to let me in to that part of his life, but when he tried to tell me a memory, he broke down and couldn't finish and then acted unhappy, mopey, and easily upset with me for a few days, but wasn't able to tell me what he was feeling. I don't know how to deal with his past. Should I ask him to share his experiences with me even though it's extremely painful? Should I drop it? He was upset with me not appreciating his pain, but I don't know how to understand it, having grown up in a very healthy atmosphere. Any advice?

 

[dharmaBum]

Krenchie, is your husband receiving any kind of mental health care?

 

[momwithptsd]

Krenchie,
if he isn't wanting to talk about it, and isn't receiving any professional help, I would leave it alone, and think of it as non-existant. Wait for him to want to share it with you. It could just be too painful for him and easier to erase it completely. I wish I could erase all of my bad memories, it seems that would be an easier way to deal with it, but they are just too vivid for me.

Good Luck and he's lucky to have somebody to care enough of his feelings and how he wants to cope with his past. I wouldn't push.

 

[freakofnurture]

I can't really read this thread right now, but I caught that there are some good resources available, concerning neglectful parenting. I'm still working against the minimisation of the crap my elders put me through and I think it could be helpful for me to read some objective articles.
So, if maybe someone could IM me some info, links or the likes I'd be very thankful.

Concerning significant others who don't understand: Who really wants to get into a mindset that is as painful as the one of a neglected child? I think they shut down instinctively. And as hard as it is for us to wait for them to catch up, it's only humane to allow them to ease into the whole topic in their own time. It's a whole lot of suffering we ask them to accept.

 

[jimrich]

After telling him that the session had involved revisiting hearing those words spoken by mother and feeling them fully while feeling the depth of the worthlessness they intimated (typical EMDR strategy for those unfamilar), he said, "That happened how long ago?" And then the silence... And the silence... And the silence...
Have you needed to educate a spouse, friend, or loved-one on why neglectful parenting is damaging? Please share your resources!

When I first went into therapy and 12 step support groups (no $$$ for a therapist) I noticed a tendency for people, even in support groups, to both minimize bad parenting or completely dismiss it as being of no importance and was often chastised or criticized for my emerging views about the bad parenting I got. It took a while to learn what that was all about but I finally got it by reading Alice Miller books. Apparently some folks are so devoted to their beloved parents (or afraid of them) that they simply cannot tolerate anything that might suggest that their parents OR ANY OTHER PARENTS are or were less than PERFECT so they get very defensive and even threatening if anyone dares suggest that parents can make serious mistakes. They may be willing to admit that SOME parents can make a few mistakes BUT would NEVER abuse a child in any way at all!
The bit about "That happened how long ago?" (and "they did the very best they could") is pretty standard Smoke Screening by those who are still carrying inner pain but REFUSE to face it and do not want you or anyone to deeply examine your own PAST lest it "trigger" them! Shutting you up is their main objective so they won't have to remember and then deal with their own unresolved issues. Alice Miller is very clear on this point and writes that many therapists carry unhealed wounds so they cannot help a trauma victim very much and can ofter harm the victim even more!
I gave up long ago trying to "educate" people about childhood trauma and am lucky to have a new wife who has done therapy and UNDERSTANDS my inner issues. So long as I am on a healing path and not abusing her, we are OK with our Recovery efforts.
good luck,
jim