Never The Same Again

[blue_eyed_angel]

Hi! Welcome to the forum :)

 

[Joey Padula]

amorrison,

I want to say that you our not alone. i have had the feeling that i cannot cry anymore too, although physically you may be unable to cry, you actually are. we see your flowing tears through your valiant post about what you have been through, this is as or more healing thanb any great cry. keep up the great work, keep up the healing process. We all believe in you, we all believe that the pain will be bearable as the years of recooperating go by.

Padula

 

[Mercy]

The only way im getting through it, is by talking it through, reasurring myself i couldnt have made a differance, and accepting that i cannot and could not change a thing.

It takes time, and im still walking a similiar path, but i would say acceptance and talking it through are the keys to letting go..

I think darkhorse is very wise about this kind of trauma. Talking it out with ourselves every time guilt comes up works to comfort ourselves with the objective truth and relieve some of our emotional load. Recent research shows that we do have the power to change the way we think. Our brains can and do make new synapses everyday.

Traumatic memory is much much harder to change. We need to change what sets us off our thoughts. Was it as simple as seeing a sofa that looked like his?....

We can try to identify our triggers. Then try to locate them in the present. This sofa at this house now not that sofa at that house then. All the associations with that awefull event will be part of the work of detoxifying the world around us. Then I think we will be able to tame our thoughts and the constant playback loop it sounds like you are in.

I haven't been able to change the terrible things I have witnessed but I am slowly finding that my relationship to them is changing.

I hope I haven't sounded too preachy, oh dear. If this makes sense to you or comforts you in any way then good. If not just erase it. I'm just one person....:rolleyes:

 

[Mary Elynne]

Amorrison,
Hello, I'm new to this forum. What a horrific memory you have to deal with time and time again. I know the guilt that you speak of.
Although my daughter who is now 18 has never succeeded in taking her own life , she has tried to kill herself 4 times in her short life( she suffers from PTSD as do I and my other daughter). The first time she tried to kill herself , she was only 4 years old. It was winter time... the roads were terribly icy... We had gone to the post office. I had had to see her through a panic attack before we left... we were all afraid to leave the house as we were being stalked and had been threatened with our lives... My baby girl was sitting in the toboggan when she suddenly got out , started running towards the road where big logging trucks were coming at high speeds.... she yelled I love you mommy.... and ran smack dabb in the middle of the road and lay down.... I was frantic... the trucks are swerving to miss her... I ran into the road and got her back to the sidewalk, kicking and screaming.... she raged all the way home and then some... I had to hold her through her episode for another 20 minutes.... she then turned to me , buried her head in my shoulder and sobbed. I said, honey, don't you know those big trucks could have hurt you.... she said..: yes, I wanted them to hit me so I could die." It broke my heart.
She has since tried three more times...the last time was at 16... she overdosed. Following each of her attempts she explains it this way... I don't really want to leave you or really want to die.... I just want whatever is going on inside my head to STOP...
Its impulsive, desperate... it is a permanent solution (though I think in their minds, they can't reason this out at this point), to a temporary problem.

I understand your frustration, guilt, anger.... please know that I am keeping you in my prayers Amorrison... sending you healing thoughts and prayers.
Mary E

 

[sallysellsseashells]

amorrison, good on you for joining the forum. I hope that you continue to find it helpful. I get what you mean about feeling like you can't talk about it, because you don't want to hurt anybody with your own hurt. This is a safe place to talk about it, but maybe one day you will feel comfortable talking about it with someone you know and trust, your best friend for example... it must be very heavy carrying this with you and trying to let go of it at the same time. Maybe he can help you carry it sometimes. He may be hurt by it as well. He may be wanting to discuss it. The only way to find out is to ask. And if he responds negatively to that, you still have us, and you most likely still have him, but just can't confide. You should be allowed to though, if you so choose. Try not to take it so hard on yourself by carrying it alone. At least come back to the forum whenever you feel you need to.

Please also focus on healing, rather than the events so that this does not become a second tragedy (surviving with PTSD, rather than living with it/healing). It may be hard with you sister and the kids, and other loved ones to forget about it (and I'm not suggesting to try and erase it from your memory, because that would be expecting too much), but please focus on the healing, because that is what this forum is about, and it is what your journey is for the time being.

You are very courageous for being there for your sister, the kids, and taking care not to hurt anybody. But you are just as important as anybody else.

Take Care,
BIG HUGS.

S.

 

[mila]

Sally,
Thanks for sharing. I can't imagine what that was like for you. This world surely dishes out some pain for many people. Just reading about other people's experiences is helpful becuase it makes my own experience seem less... overwhelming. I guess I hadn't really thought much about his pain. Only what he inflicted on others. He seemed to have everything that he wanted in life. But, he obviously had his deamons. It was not his first attempt at suicide. I do have to work on forgiving him. He was obviously depressed to the point that I can't imagine. He was also drunk. That's when the trouble always started. I sat and go drunk with him. (mor guilt) Anyway, thanks for your kind words and prayers.

 

[mila]

Oops, my last post was intended for Mary Ellyne. Sorry.. Thanks to Sally too, though.