Broken Dahlia
Silver Member
Hello!
Ok, I started posting without an introduction; I rarely seem to do things in the right order. I have PTSD from multiple sexual assaults and deaths when I was younger. I also had a miscarriage almost five years ago that has been one of the hardest things to deal with. I haven't dealt with it, despite therapy, books, meditation, writing, etc., I still get this awesome feeling of rage and hate when I hear about someone else getting pregnant. Especially when it is someone I used to babysit. I come from a large catholic family where all of my younger cousins are getting married, having children, moving forward with their lives and I am just stuck. I have been married for almost 10 years, no kids, no career or job. I am completely dependent on my husband and have also lost the friends I had since I was encouraged to sever toxic relationships by my therapist. Apparently almost every relationship I had was unhealthy and now I feel like a pariah.
Lately the loneliness has been getting to me which is unusual, so I have been reaching out. Like posting on a forum three years after I signed up because I didn't feel brave (lonely?) enough before, haha. This led to a big problem this weekend. I went out with my husband and a few of his friends for dinner, drank a few beers, and actually socialized. I guess I went too far- I spoke privately to one of the guys about PTSD because I know that his wife has it. He was wonderful and so nice; told me that his father was in WWII and he has dealt with it his entire life. He has been married for thirty years and seems happy, even though he has mental health issues himself (PTSD, bipolar). He said he understood, that it wasn't my fault, and that he would be honored if he got the phone call at 3 am, when either my husband or I needed to talk. He was so nice and I felt so good, until...
My husband broke up the conversation, asked if we could finish this later, they needed to get home, they left. He said I behaved inappropriately and cornered his friend with my problems; he was obviously embarrassed. I went to bed alone, depressed and feeling like an idiot. The next morning I called the crisis line because I didn't want to sit alone with the depression and shame. The woman on the line didn't think I did anything wrong, she thought it sounded like my husband had the problem. I know PTSD isn't something to brag about, but I am tired of feeling like I am trying to pass as "normal." I did it for a long time, and apparently I was a really good actress. I am tired of acting, pretending things are fine so that others are comfortable. Both of our families have minimized our problems and I refuse to do it anymore. I told him yesterday that I had made the difficult decision to cut my parents out of my life and if I could do that surely I could handle a divorce. It wasn't meant as an ultimatum, just a fact. I can't keep hurting myself so that the people around me don't have to feel any discomfort.
My husband kept trying to get me to agree that I was inappropriate, aggressive, and had cornered his friend. His friend wanted to come back over the next day and hang out again, so I don't think he felt threatened. He told me about his own experiences and sought out a hug when he left.
We have talked about it and sort of made up; he read some stuff on the internet about PTSD and said he would try to be more supportive. He doesn't know much about it and we have been together for almost twelve years. I don't really have a lot of hope because he has said he would try harder before and here we are. I feel like I did with my family, sad but trying to make myself accept their limitations and lack of willingness to learn how to be better.
We both agreed that we feel like we are at the end of our relationship, but we are going to try one more time. My question: when/how do you decide to give up on a relationship? I feel like it is between us and me now, but I am scared to leave because this is the most support I have ever had. I also love him, but I know that isn't enough, unfortunately. Thanks for reading.
Ok, I started posting without an introduction; I rarely seem to do things in the right order. I have PTSD from multiple sexual assaults and deaths when I was younger. I also had a miscarriage almost five years ago that has been one of the hardest things to deal with. I haven't dealt with it, despite therapy, books, meditation, writing, etc., I still get this awesome feeling of rage and hate when I hear about someone else getting pregnant. Especially when it is someone I used to babysit. I come from a large catholic family where all of my younger cousins are getting married, having children, moving forward with their lives and I am just stuck. I have been married for almost 10 years, no kids, no career or job. I am completely dependent on my husband and have also lost the friends I had since I was encouraged to sever toxic relationships by my therapist. Apparently almost every relationship I had was unhealthy and now I feel like a pariah.
Lately the loneliness has been getting to me which is unusual, so I have been reaching out. Like posting on a forum three years after I signed up because I didn't feel brave (lonely?) enough before, haha. This led to a big problem this weekend. I went out with my husband and a few of his friends for dinner, drank a few beers, and actually socialized. I guess I went too far- I spoke privately to one of the guys about PTSD because I know that his wife has it. He was wonderful and so nice; told me that his father was in WWII and he has dealt with it his entire life. He has been married for thirty years and seems happy, even though he has mental health issues himself (PTSD, bipolar). He said he understood, that it wasn't my fault, and that he would be honored if he got the phone call at 3 am, when either my husband or I needed to talk. He was so nice and I felt so good, until...
My husband broke up the conversation, asked if we could finish this later, they needed to get home, they left. He said I behaved inappropriately and cornered his friend with my problems; he was obviously embarrassed. I went to bed alone, depressed and feeling like an idiot. The next morning I called the crisis line because I didn't want to sit alone with the depression and shame. The woman on the line didn't think I did anything wrong, she thought it sounded like my husband had the problem. I know PTSD isn't something to brag about, but I am tired of feeling like I am trying to pass as "normal." I did it for a long time, and apparently I was a really good actress. I am tired of acting, pretending things are fine so that others are comfortable. Both of our families have minimized our problems and I refuse to do it anymore. I told him yesterday that I had made the difficult decision to cut my parents out of my life and if I could do that surely I could handle a divorce. It wasn't meant as an ultimatum, just a fact. I can't keep hurting myself so that the people around me don't have to feel any discomfort.
My husband kept trying to get me to agree that I was inappropriate, aggressive, and had cornered his friend. His friend wanted to come back over the next day and hang out again, so I don't think he felt threatened. He told me about his own experiences and sought out a hug when he left.
We have talked about it and sort of made up; he read some stuff on the internet about PTSD and said he would try to be more supportive. He doesn't know much about it and we have been together for almost twelve years. I don't really have a lot of hope because he has said he would try harder before and here we are. I feel like I did with my family, sad but trying to make myself accept their limitations and lack of willingness to learn how to be better.
We both agreed that we feel like we are at the end of our relationship, but we are going to try one more time. My question: when/how do you decide to give up on a relationship? I feel like it is between us and me now, but I am scared to leave because this is the most support I have ever had. I also love him, but I know that isn't enough, unfortunately. Thanks for reading.
