Sufferer New and don't know what to do - Combat PTSD - So angry at everything

[TankiemanDan]

Hi. I found this site through Google, I'm feeling lost and so damm down. I'm ex British military now living in Canada as a long haul driver. I was a tank soldier for ten year and logistics for 2 before leaving. I saw active service in Kosovo, Iraq and Afghanistan. I saw doctors and shrinks about my PTSD and tried a few times to end myself, I put it down to the medication they had me on so stopped taking it. That was over 8 years ago and I dealt with it in my own way and kept it locked down inside. I haven't seen a doctor since and refuse medication as I'm scared it'll make me try and end it again, and I see them as a placebo.

So my current situation.

I've just come to the end of two months ice road trucking in northern Canada, and dealt with the year anniversary of loosing my father to cancer. I never really bereaved when I lost him, I still don't think I can let it go. I'm so angry he was taken so early and ripped my mother's heart out, I worry about her more than anything. I feel like I'm falling back to my old ways, the boss I have just been working for is blaming me for mechanical issues caused by a mechanic, and lost his shit with me. How I kept my cool and let him have his rant and walk away from me amazed me. I think I was in shock how such a jumped up man who thinks he's something would talk to someone like that. About 10 minutes later I found myself looking for him in the yard I was ready to beat the living crap out of him, but to no avail he went home. I've not felt like that since Afghanistan when I wanted to kill every last one of them, I just want to hurt someone so bad and let all my anger fly on him for everything. He doesn't know me, he doesn't know what I have done and seen, how I feel... Nothing.

I'm just so damm angry at everyone and any little thing recently, I'm even pushing my own mother and girlfriend away. I feel like just taking a walk into the hills here and not coming back.

 

[Sandstone]

I'm glad you found us, and sorry you have PTSD. There is a lot of support and knowledge to be had here. My PTSD comes from different trauma to yours, but I recognise the need to keep it all locked down. However, I know that eventually the effects of things we experienced will break out. When they do, it is important to have decent support.

Do you know of anywhere you could get useful face to face support? Would you be interested in it?

 

[EveHarrington]

Medication saves lives. It isn’t all a placebo.

Therapy is very important for processing trauma and moving forward.

 

[joeylittle]

Welcome, @TankiemanDan - I'm glad you found us.

You may be interested in the more private group we have for military, here: Link Removed - and you're 100% welcome anywhere on the main boards as well. Writing/sharing about the stuff you're struggling with, that's a big part of what peer support is all about.

Here are some threads you might find interesting (these are older, closed threads, but good reads.): Worst anger moments (as they come to you), Dealing with anger

And a really solid first-read article for anyone who is boiling over (whether it's rage, sadness, anxiety...): The PTSD Cup Explanation

 

[TankiemanDan]

Medication saves lives. It isn’t all a placebo.

In my eyes they are. I was on sleeping tablets, another one for my mood and can't remember what the other was for. It's my opinion about them as I felt first hand what they did to me. In no way did they help they made it worse, to the point I took a bottle of Jack, swallowed two packs of each and got in my car and drove. Lucky I was found by a friend and was treated right away. Since that day I have never taken a prescribed tablet. Some people are addicted to them, some say they need them but in my own personal experience they do more damage than good. I even witnessed it with my mother but that's off topic.

As for support I'd loose my job due to PTSD, there is no support for ex pat's who move overseas, I have tried believe me. My girlfriend works for the CMFRC and there is no way to get support or therapy. I took therapy before I left the military and I found it made me worse, flashbacks, night terrors, mood etc etc. I guess I'm looking for someone who can relate and take my anger and frustration out on without hurting them if that makes sense. I dunno my head's just a damm mess right now and I just want to get home to my own bed.

 

[Kubash16]

About therapy: it gets worse before it gets better, it can also take time to find the right therapist for you. Did you talk to your therapist about your increased symptoms?

About medication: so that particular combination at that particular dosage didn’t work for you. That’s normal. That’s also something to bring up to the psychiatrist so that they can make adjustments. My pdoc started me on a low dose of Paxil and I got really screwed up, switched me to a combination of Zoloft and Buspar and I’m so damn much better. Psych drugs are not placebos. If they were, the Paxil would have worked for me. Everyone’s body chemistry is different which makes a psychiatrists job really difficult because they are essentially playing a guessing game. That’s no reason not to give up and definitely not a reason to not tell the pdoc you need to try something different. It takes time to find the right stuff.

I think you’re wanting everything to happen overnight and you certainly aren’t alone. But that’s not realistic. Therapy takes time, medication takes time. You have to keep trying. I hope you are able to find some kind of resources where you are.

Anger: what coping mechanisms are you utilizing right now?
Some extra ones:
Anger room
Therapy
Medication
Talking with your girlfriend or a friend
Using the trauma diaries on this forum to vent
Take a bunch of junk, put it in your back yard and beat the living hell out of it
Exercise
Cleaning
A physical hobby like axe throwing/rock climbing
Go chop some wood

And plenty of other things I’m sure.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hey man,

Not the same trauma as you but went through this insane anger, to the point where I broke a few bones, put myself in dangerous situations and demolished half of my furniture, then got kicked out.

I get what you´re saying about medication and therapy, my advice is: ditch what doesn´t work. However you also need some type of support.

Find a therapist that you are cool with and have a chat about non-trauma things. Don´t immediately start talking about extremely painful and traumatic events. Start with the more superficial stuff. Just talking will help.

Therapy is often recommended highly and I agree, but things need time. In my experience putting too much pressure on things just makes it worse. Take it one step at the time.

Medication: same. Try to find out what works for you. I was on all sorts of stuff until I dialed it down to just a very low dose of valium whenever I need it (= when things get so bad I can´t control it).

The methods above to deal with anger are really good. If you feel like taking a hike then go for it, seems like a good way to transform energy, just do what you need to do.

 

[Exhortera]

Hey man, I'm a U.S. Marine vet diagnosed with PTSD. I've been on a couple different meds, Zoloft seems to be working the best now. Not perfectly, I still have my bad days, but it seems to dial everything down a bit.

I've been through cognative therapy. That really just made me realize that I do have PTSD and that it's ok to not be ok.

I'm in group therapy. I get more out of that than anything. It helps me realize I'm not alone.

My day to day coping is lifting weights, video games, my dogs and telling people what's going on with me.

I think that helps a lot. Talking about it and not keeping it bottled up.

Sempers,
Rob

 

[Freida]

Welcome!

I'm only on a couple meds - my go to has been EMDR. Its a type of therapy that has you learn to process what you went thru and move the emotions where they should be... back in your past rather than your present. I won't lie - it's a total bitch. BUT. When it works it's amazing. All those feelings you are trying to bottle up are just... gone. They just don't matter anymore. Not because you are trying to ignore them, but because you don't have to anymore.

Admitting you need help is half the battle because it means you are ready to heal. A good therapist, a good med regime, a good support group (that's us! :) ) will make the process easier. It will still be hard, but easier.