Relationship New Here And New Advice And Help!!!!

[Becksknox]

Thank you. I am the only person that he has been able to open up to about his PTSD. His ex wife was very brutal and wouldn't have listened to him and would've made fun of him. He has cried to me and I allow him and encourage him to get it out and not hold it in. We have only been together for 18 months but at 46 & 41, we aren't like young kids playing house. Thank you so much for your input.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Is there anything I can do to help him?

Unfortunately, no. Nobody can help them but themselves. If there was an actual way for supporters to help their sufferers when they were in that state, who ever figured it out would be a millionaire. I know I'd pay good money for that secret! All you can do is respect their boundaries, and ultimately take care of yourself.

@Becksknox, Everything you know about relationships, throw out the window. PTSD is game changer. A lot of times, in the beginning of PTSD relationships, there is a good stretch where the sufferer isn't very symptomatic. Then *BOOM* it hits. It's like the old commercial... "this is my vet, and this is my vet on PTSD."

To begin to deal with this as a supporter, you have to take two steps (and this is the collective *you*, as in all of us). First you have to open your eyes and look at the reality of the situation. You two may be madly in love, but that isn't going to make the relationship work. Secondly, you have to learn to give up some control. There are times when the PTSD is in charge. Nobody can fix that. There are more productive and positive ways to handle certain situations, but you cannot change anything. You have to honestly make peace with the fact that he may be symptomatic the rest of your lives. There is no cure for PTSD. Sufferers just learn to manage their symptoms.

Just a couple things I picked up on... and some advice.

We haven't had an unstable relationship and it is actually very strong, except for the flips he does in the spring. Together we are eachother's rocks but when we are not together his flight instinct kicks in.

Rose colored love-glasses are a thing. It is really easy to focus on the good times and not to see instability. You've been together 18 months, and he has had these "flips" twice, once for a month and a half, and now. I think that is why we are picking up on some instability. But guess what? A lot of PTSD relationships can be stressful and unstable like this at times. What you need to do is embrace the fact that your relationship has some instability, then consider that before moving. Can you handle the next time he does this, but away from your home-base and support system, and in a strange city alone?

he was the one ready and excited to start new and be father away from the kids' dad.

I get this, I really do, but this is another situation where you have to take the rose-colored glasses off. When he pulls away from you, he pulls away from the kids too. I get the struggle... really. I am a single mom too, and my kids are very attached to my vet. We have been together coming up on 3 years, but we do not live together. It is more because of me than him. While I am patient and understanding with the PTSD dance, I cannot expect my children to be. Over time, it may change, but that's where we are at right now. You have to stop looking through the eyes of love, and look through your mom-glasses. What is the best thing for your children at this point in time? Can he deal with what is best?

It is possible to have long and healthy PTSD relationships. It really is, but you have to know PTSD... and you can't know what you don't see. It's a hard lesson to learn.

 

[Becksknox]

I know I will stand beside him no matter what. He's had latke triggers and when we are together, because be has shared them with me, I can help him cope. I love unconditionally and would never walk away because of it. He's very calm in most times he deals with it and may go into a room alone. As bad or instance as it may be, he is way more stable than their father. He knows I will always be there bc I will never give up hope. I let him have his space and I let him call the shots. He i titles all calls and texts. I leave him alone as he needs.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You can love him better than anybody has ever loved anybody else in the history of the world ever. You can handle all his stressors and triggers in the exact perfect PTSD supporter textbook methods. It doesn't stop PTSD symptoms. I think that is what everybody is trying to tell you here. For example, you can't get rid of triggers, fight or flight response, isolating, depression or self destructive tendencies. They will always be around. The only difference is how HE himself manages to cope with things. You may think you help him to cope, but it is because at that time, HE is allowing you to comfort him. He may not always do that. He may not always handle his symptoms in the same ways. He may have a stretch of feeling good for years, then he could also totally deteriorate and need hospitalized. PTSD by nature is an unstable beast. It cripples the most stable and rational people.

We aren't judging you or him. We aren't telling you to leave him or give up on him. The people commenting here either have PTSD, or love somebody with PTSD very much. We have heard "leave him" 800 times ourselves. What we are trying to do is help you see this... He may not come back, and if he does, he may always do this push/pull thing. You have to learn this and make peace with it. Then decide what you need to do for you and your kids. All supporters have to figure this out.

 

[Becksknox]

Thank you. After all we've been through I have gotten him into see my counselor. She specializes in trauma and PTSD and for him at 46, this is a huge step for him. I will rest in that he wants help at this point.