What is o/c? I am not in therapy. I just moved and the events have recently happened. I was told I had PTSD 20 years ago. I have an appointment with a new therapist in 2 weeks. I had stopped drinking several months ago, but when all this started I started drinking again and I just started going to AA.
He left about a month and a half ago, but in a way it seems like last week. I've primarily been focusing on work and keeping my job. I did find a medical doctor because I have health issues and needed medication.
Ive had issues with agoraphobia, but that seems somewhat better. I've been sort of paralyzed, not doing much other than work. Honestly, I don't know how I have been able to keep my job, but that is about all I am able to do.
In the past 3 months I have moved into a new home that is in bad repair. I don't know anyone here. I have signed over custody of my daughter to her father (a long story, but for the best, but still incredibly stressful.) I've had job issues that have been quite stressful and my living expenses are more than I thought related to my job. When we moved my exSO went bezerk became abusive, etc. Two days after I filed for the order of protection he took out a 54K lien on my house that I have to hire an attorney to remove.
Over the few months before he left he drugged me (I went from a size 14 to a size 6...I realize he was lacing our smoking material (BTW smoking was not something I did before I met him.) I went through drug withdrawal after he left. I went through it alone, it was horrible, and I still continued to work. He was pushing for me to give him my power of attorney, write a will, get life insurance. He was gaslighing me and told me that the whole neighborhood could tell I was crazy and the whole neighborhood could tell. He changed and became explosive in a short period of time and physically abusive. He knocked me unconscious. He choked me. He treatened to f**** my life up in ways I cannot imagine. It would take pages to write out all that has happened and all I have discovered about this man, just in the past 3 months. It is scary. He is a dagnosed sociopath. I found the PO from his exwife and she talked about his making bombs out of 22 shells and silencers for guns. Before he left he told me "Just like I can love on a cat, detach, and shoot it, don't fool yourself, I can detach from you too." He violated the OP and was arrested, but on the first violation he can bail out and he did. He has stalked me, though I havent seen him, the neighbors have. shortly after all this happened (before they wanted to take sides) I heard he went to their house and sang them a song that he wrote about this whole situation....to me that is majorly insane. Recently in his papers I found drawings of clowns with guns, one saying "this is a stickup, don't make it a murder." He is very patient and sneaky. I realize now he had been setting all of this up for a long time, telling me how his friends in the music business had judges in their pockets and mob connections. (I dont believe that at all now.) He didnt even show up for the hearing for the order of protection, told the neighbors he had the date wrong.
I am frustrated that he is using the legal system for retribution by filing the lien and it is my burden to hire an attorney to get it removed. He has spent all my money, I realize now he was stealing from me.
He was dealing drugs in my backyard and telling me that he would not stop, but if drugs were found it would be me that goes down because the house is in my name.
I see images of his holding me down by my neck screaming that he is going to **** me up if I don't do what he says. I see images of his smile before he knocked me unconscious.
My plan.....the past couple of months have been like a fog of fear and anxiety. I am totally alone. My mother is elderly, not really of help. I am in a rural area. I know this man could kill me and I should get a gun, but I havent yet. I've been frozen but gradually thawing out and taking the actions I need as far as therapy, etc.
I have a court date in a couple of weeks and I am terrified of retaliation from him. For years he has been flying beneath the radar. I realize now he was using me to make himself look good and to re-enter society. He thought he had me under his thumb and would do whatever he said.
The order of protection from his exwife said "I am terrified of him "He has stated many times he will "get me" if I ever said anything to the police." " I am afraid he will retaliate against me." "He beat me up, choked me, punched me, beat me on the head with a loaded 45." "he told me he wouldn't apologize because I deserved it." "would by a lot of 22 shells, empty them, and make bombs." The secret service had arrested him for counterfieting, and while on bail he skipped town. He spent 3 years in prison. "stated many times he wanted to get revenge on me and my children." "he will hurt me mentally or physically." "convicted of threatening repo man with a loaded gun." "took my child and said he wouldn't give her back unless I gave him $200." "says he knows how to get over on the police."
I found papers from when he was in prison talking about his antisocial behaviors, his paranoia, threatening lawsuits against the government, making unsubstantiated accusations of attacks from fellow inmates. I have found piles of unpaid multiple traffic tickets and unpaid child support. He owes at least 60,000 in child support.
All this has brought him out of hiding. He is now on the radar screen. The authorities know where he is and I know he is going to blame it all on me. He is in the music business and very talented and has fooled some big names in the business. His manager bought him a car the day after I filed the order of protection. He is a master con artist, extremely intelligent, unstable. He gets people to tell him things and I know things about people I really wish I didn't know. He has friends in low places and friends in high places. He had told me about his mob connections, but his ex told me that they stold from him, so I don't have to worry about that. He is good friends with a highly placed brother in the catholic church and he said he used cocaine with this man and his ex confirmed that. I realize now they had a sexual relationship. Ive had std testing, thank god it is negative.
He was selling drugs to people in the music business and I know who they are. He has told me things about these people I wish I didn't know.
The heat doesnt work in my house. I havent washed dishes in over a month. I am almost out of money. I have a wood stove but dont know how to use it and have called someone in for that.
Two days after my court date with him I go to mediation with my exH and will have to start paying child support. He makes about 150K a year, I make about 22K. He is suing me for his attorney's fees. He is a narcissist according to my former psychiatrist who has had to deal with him. I have had seven years of torture from him, and I turned over custody, I just couldnt deal with it anymore. When I told them about the order of protection (I felt like they should know) they told me they would report me to child protective services. When I sent my daughter to live with them they said that they would report me to child protective services if I didn't come and take her back, which is not logical at all! If they thought I was an unfit mother why would they want her to live with me? Interestingly, my daughter's psychiatrist called CPS on my exH. He bloodied her nose and through a fit in her office. I felt sorry for my daughter until I found out she was manipulating what had happened. SHe was stealing from me, pulling my hair out in the middle of the night, she had physically attacked me several times. At first my ex refused to agree for her to go to counseling nd wouldnt pay his half. I found out he was saying bad things about me to our daughter, for instance comparing my looks to ugly characters in movies. I confronted him about it and he admitted he did this! His exwife has gifted me with 50 pairs of her old shoes, then would send me emails calling me a b**** and an unfit mother, then my daughter would show up from visitation with expensive chocolates and homemade brownies from my exHs wife.....then she would be back to calling me names again. She brings God into it, critisizing my religious beliefs and I remember one email where she said she would pray that God surround our daughter's bed at night with angels to keep her safe from me. THen they would refuse to take her for visitation. When she found out my exSO was in the music business and the people he knows and has worked with, she asked us to their house for dinner!!!! I had to walk away from all of this. Sad to say, my daughter seems more like them. I have saved all the insane emails from them....I don't know if it matters. Another interesting thing...most of my Facebook friends are from my ex's family. His nephews are grown now. They said I was their favorite aunt and what a difference I made in their life when they were children, how much they miss me and love me.
The logical (such as affirmation from nephews) battles the illogical (my ex and his wife calling me a b**** and unfit mother.) The logical battles the emotional. THe counselor before I moved told me that she thought that the reason I had so many emotional problems early in my marriage was because of my exH emotional abuse. I couldnt see that he was abusing me because he was not hitting me.
It is interesting....both my exH and exSO changed seemingly overnight when I wouldn't go along with what they both wanted me to do.
I have felt suicidal and so overwhelmed, alone. I'm taking my life a day at a time trying to hold it together and work and not act on impulse.
In writing all of this and realizing there is no wonder I have emotional problems right now.
The logical battles the emotional....the fears go around in my head, the images go around in my head.
Before I got pregnant I read a lot about attachment parenting. I wanted things different for my daughter than they were for me. I did all those things...I was a great mom and was told that I was better than most, but it doesnt seem to matter. My exH had an affair and "fired" me. All the hours, the love, the nurturing, the caretaking, the loyality, the devotion were for nothing. I was a soccor mom, I sat on the board of the YMCA, my daughter and I did crafts once a week at the Boys and Girls club, i was heavily involved in church volunteer work. I babysat my niece, spent hours with them both reading, doing crafts, learning, exploring nature.
I sometimes think I must be a bad person to have these things happen, but the logical tells me I was a good wife, a good mother. I have the respect and love of most of my ex's family. I even took care of his father when he was dying! I feel stupid, naive, lonely, hated. Like I have "kick me" stamped on my forehead. I realize I am repeating patterns learned in childhood. My stepfather was sociopathic.
I gave advice to someone on this board, and that really helped me to feel better about myself. I told him what I needed when I was in a similar situation as his wife and I think I helped. I feel for people who have gone through what I have gone through. It is a hard and painful road, but at times I have gotten to healthy places in my life and I know it is possible. I have lived this far and have survived with little emotional support from others. There has to be a reason for that. The logical tells me I am "worthy." I envy those who have someone to love who loves them back.
I hurt so much. I would love for someone to put their arms around me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I want that home base I have never had.
