New Here - Think I Have PTSD

[AmberEyes]

I don't want to go through it all again. The flashbacks. The repetative thoughts. The hopelessness. The anxiety. This was part of my past, I put it in a box and put it on the shelf and that was the end of that...

When I went through severe depression before I had my ex-husband (who turned out to be a narcissist,) but he was there, a person. My mother did not come to see me when I was in the hospital. She never spoke of my depression. I realize during all this time that I had no support person, but my exH was at least a person who was there. I recovered. About 10 years off of any medication even.

I was young then. I cannot feel this again. I cannot do it again. I cannot go through this again. How many flashbacks can a person take? How many of these awful thoughts before a person is broken? I see the images and feel the feelings of things I put in that box and put away. Why is this happening to me? The sick memories and feelings. The recognition of the feelings I thought were gone.

To me, PTSD is like a scratched record that goes around and around and around stuck in the same place. These are things I put out of my life. They are now back in my life even though I have been a kind and loving, though stupid, person.

I am being hit by a wave of negativity. All of the things I put in the box are coming out again. I remember the pain and shame of being hospitalized. The determination to get better no matter what it took. My getting better and thinking it was all behind me, forgotten, not really a part of me. I just cannot go through this again.

 

[ghost]

Hi AmberEyes

Having read all of your posts, I have to say that more than anything else, your exSO (I'm not sure what SO stands for) sounds like a major dickhead. Putting aside whatever psychological illness he is supposed to suffer with, he is obviously someone who takes pleasure in inditimidating and inflicting pain upon vulnerable people - that's not mental illness; that's just evil.

My belief is that in the greater scheme of things we cannot inflict harm upon someone else without damaging ourselves in the process. The fact that your exSO goes through life intentionally inflicting harm on other people (to such a severe degree) implies to me that he is not only quite evil, but also incredibly ignorant. Meaning that whatever ideas he has about himself being some kind of criminal mastermind; sociopathic puppet-master, amount to nothing more than delusion.

As much damage as he has done to you, I did not detect any trace of hatred or malice towards him in your posts. I think that this is a really positive thing, and is a testament to the goodness of your character. Hatred and bitterness towards him will only drag you down further. You should pity him, for being an ignorant dickhead.

What goes around comes around, and your exSO will eventually get what he deserves. In the mean time, Clare's advice about getting a dog, and including your neighbours in a safety plan sound like really good ideas. A dog would also be great for providing you with some uncomplicated; non-judgemental companionship.

I often wonder myself whether I've ended up in the state that I'm in because I'm a 'bad person.' The reality is that I wasn't a saint; but there's plenty of people out there who have inflicted a lot more damage than I ever did, and they haven't suffered nervous breakdowns, or developed PTSD. Shit happens - I guess, even to decent people. At the end of the day, I would rather be the damaged, than the arsehole going around inflicting damage.

From what I've read, I get the impression that you are a gentle; caring, and kind human being. No matter how bad things deteriorate, those qualities are things that you can hold onto. Now matter how bad things get you yourself can continue to be a decent human being; choosing to contribute more good than harm to the world.

Good luck with the EMDR. According to some reports, it is the most effective treatment for PTSD. Judging from the nature of your flashbacks, you sound like a good candidate.

Keep enduring

Ghost

 

[AmberEyes]

Ghost,

Thank you for your response. I have felt so terrible about myself. Yesterday I was suicidal. This morning I feel better, but know I have big problems and have to figure this all out. I'm putting it off. Trying to think outside myself, doing for myself what I would want someone else in my situation to do.

My exSO (significant other, he was more than a boyfriend) is evil. I didn't really believe in evil until I met him. He does imagine himself to be some sort of criminal mastermind. He would have killed me, he would have thought he could get away with it, but he wouldn't have and he would be back in prison for the rest of his life (most likely.) I must be having a bit of survivor guilt. If he is in prison then he cannot do this to anyone else. Some people should either be dead or in prison, and he is one of them.

A major reason why I am in this mess is because I want to believe the best in people. I feel incredibly stupid.

I do need a safety plan. I have put off buying a gun, and today I am glad of that, because if I had a gun in the house I wouldn't be typing this now. Iwould have used it on myself. I am struggling with fear of being killed and wanting to die.

I'm overwhelmed with work, other things going on in my life. Right now I am working 10 to 12 hours a day, and I need to figure out how to heat my house (I have a woodstove) and I'm just overwhelmed. I'm having trouble leaving the house, but I need food. Today will be about a 15 hour workday, so I have to work, learn to use a woodstove, drive to town to get food and my medications...it just seems so overwhelming.

We have all done bad things in our life. I certainly have and I know I am too hard on myself about them. We all make mistakes, but some people make mistakes maliciously, intentionally, and without remorse. They set out to decieve and get great pleasure out of causing pain. I know I have never done that. I have reacted, and reacted in anger, but never set out to intentionally hurt someone.

I've been putting things together in my head about my ex and how his brain works and this also contributes to my fear. He is a patient man, though he can react impulsively. He is the kind of person that would torture a person slowly. Being with him was like being slowly boiled alive and I couldn't recognize how destructive he was until he actually had me pinned to the floor holding me down by my throat and threatening me. I am constantly wondering what he will do next and trying to anticipate his next move. This is exhausting. It is difficult to tell if I am in real danger, or if it is a PTSD reaction. I have lost perspective.

Thank you for your response, Ghost. It was the first thing I read today and just what I needed at just the right time. Thank you.

 

[champuli1]

Hello, Amber -

I am so sorry that you are in such a stressful, frightening, chaotic situaiton. Don't beat yourself up for being on the emotional roller coaster - you are human and there is no way you could NOT react to all that is going on.

If I may offer a couple of comments...

You stated that you have been dx'd as BP II. From reading your posts - (thoughts, wording, and rhythm) - I am wondering if you may be having a "Mixed Episode". Have you contacted the doctor who oversees your tx and medications for your BP disorder? You may need a medication tweak. I'm not trying to dx or tell you what to do, just offering food for thought.

Also, you made the statement: "I have put off buying a gun, and today I am glad of that, because if I had a gun in the house I wouldn't be typing this now. I would have used it on myself."

Let me say that I grew up around guns, I own guns, and I shoot regularly, so I am not making any kind of statement against guns. BUT, as a retired ER nurse and coming from a multi-generational law enforcement family, I have personally seen - way too many times to count - what tragic damage guns can do when factored into an already emotionally volatile situation. Your statement above says it all. Please, PLEASE do NOT bring a gun into your home while you are in such a state of chaos and instability.

Two reasons: One, you just might actually "end it all" in one of those moments of despair. Those moments are as real as it gets. The agony and hopelessness are too real for words - indescribable. Having a gun available at those times is NOT a protection or a help to you in any way, shape, form, or fashion - it is a threat to you.

Second, in so many cases with shootings, the person was shot with their own gun. If you are not absolutely familiar with guns and the use of them, odds are that you will be at a distinct DISadvantage in a frightening and panic-stricken situation in which you pull a gun on your ex. Also, what if one of your loved ones (maybe your daughter?) is 'sneaking' in at 2am and you think it's your ex??? Again, such a chance of the wrong (or innocent) person being shot by mistake.

I know I sound horrible for saying all of this. Even though it sounds harsh, I am genuinely trying to offer support. Please, by all means, do what you need to do for yourself, BUT other folks have offered several different options for you to think about for protection instead of buying a gun. I beg you to please consider those options or come up with some options of your own that suit your needs. Your statement really, really frightened me - it put a knot in the pit of my stomach that is still there. I've been there - I feel for you so deeply on this. Please think, and think again, and think again before bringing a gun into your home at this time.

I hope that this post hasn't added to your pain. I wish I knew the magic words to make it all go away but, as so many others have said, there is no "quick fix". It is a long journey, one tiny step at a time. Please know that you have many people thinking about you and wishing you strength, calm, and gentle healing.

Please accept my deepest apologies if this post has just served to make it all worse.

 

[ghost]

Hi AmberEyes

I'm glad that I was able to make you feel a bit better.

When I read your post, I imagine you living in the middle of the woods somewhere (woodstove; driving into town) like the setting for a Grimms fairytale. I realise this probably isn't the case, but if you are kind of isolated, I can see how that could be compounding your paranoia.

I agree that not buying a gun is probably a good idea. I'm not sure if I'd still be here if I owned one myself. I think a major reason why many people don't commit suicide is because of the difficulty involved - a gun would eliminate that difficulty. Have you considered getting a taser; or just pepper spray.

As busy as you are, you might also want to think about getting into some heavy exercise (if you aren't already). I would recommend running; pushups; chinups - that kind of stuff. This will raise your fitness and physical strength, and in the process raise your confidence in your ability to defend yourself.

I imagine that being beaten and battered (physically; verbally, emotionally) throughout your life has inclined you to see yourself as weak and vulnerable - this is bullshit. This perception is something that you can challenge, and one of the most straightfoward ways that you can challenge this is through improving your physical condition. Why not aim to become physically fitter than he is; so that if you do find yourself confronted, you can move faster, run faster etc...
Maybe you could learn to box...

One of my biggest regrets is not exercising more when my stress levels were escalating. I think I may have avoided a breakdown if I had. Rigorous exercise breaks down the adrenalin in the blood that contributes to feelings of panic, and insomnia. Exercising will slow your thinking down, and divert your thoughts away from him and what he's capable of - start thinking about what you're going to be capable of.

My advice is to hammer yourself, channel that fear into a run, or into a punching bag. Shadow boxing is also really good. It exhausts you really fast - you could imagine yourself punching the shit out of him. Start to think of yourself in that position, you in control; strong; dangerous.

Exercise also raises endorphin and seratonin levels - counteracting feelings of depression. Research has shown exercise to be the most effective natural method of combating depression. You could make a schedule. Start of with just forty minutes three times a week and stick to it religiously.

He pinned you to the floor and held you down by the throat - he's a piece of shit. What kind reprobate does that? What right does he have to do that to you? If he was in prison, he'd have someone bigger and stronger pinning him to the ground, giving him a new appreciation of brotherly love. And all through it he'd probably be screaming like a six year old girl.

Reel in your thinking. Thinking about him, and how his mind works, and what he may or may not do, is not good for you. Concentrate your thinking on the present, on whatever you're doing at the time. Concentrate on the simple things, like getting the woodstove going. When you're driving to town, focus your thoughts on the driving, the feeling of the acceleration, the feeling of the breaking, the vibrations etc... This kind of mindfulness will help to clear your mind, making you better equipped to deal with whatever comes up ahead.

Right now you should be in survival mode. Avoid thinking too far ahead. The future can wait until you've achieved some stability. Focus on the present.

Suicide isn't an option. Don't even allow yourself to consider it.

Slowly, patiently build yourself, make yourself stronger.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

WHOA!

You need a safety plan, and it needs to involve how you are going to keep you safe from yourself. NO GUNS! Guns and PTSD do not mix. Because of my PTSD my family has sold all of their guns in order to keep me safe...Same deal with one of my good friends, he's an avid shooter but has to keep his guns locked up outside his home in the hands of someone safe. I know you need to feel safe, but it seems as if owning a gun is just going to throw you in more danger.

Also, there is no "quick fix". EMDR is helpful for some, not so helpful for others. If you have the attitude that you are willing to try anything in order to be healed, you're gonna end up following the wrong path. Take your time and do your research. Find out the most proven methods for treating PTSD.

 

[Paloma]

I have to chime in here too. No guns. Bear spray...a guard dog...electronic sensors...whatever. NO GUN!! Twenty years ago when I was going through my first wall banging breakdown with PTSD...I stuck a gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger. I did not realize it had a double safety...it was a gun I was not familiar with and new to me. I was extremely lucky. I was so shocked that I took it as a message from God. I gave the gun away and have not had one since. I love target shooting...but I meet a friend at the range and use their's.

Like Champuli said...accidents...shooting the wrong person because you are freaking out...having it taken away from you and used on you...blowing your brains out in an irreversible moment of despair...the list of 'why nots' is very long. When I snapped out of it...I could not believe the stupidity and selfishness of what I had almost done to myself and my family and friends. I have only shared this with a couple of therapists and psychiatrist until now. This is the seriousness of my gift to you...my deeply painful and shameful experience as a warning. Get a grip...safety plan...meds...therapy...chop wood/carry water...stay present. :poke:

 

[Clydiechick]

Hi, whatever you do get help soon. If it gets too much before your appointment go to the hospital, call somebody. Please look after yourself.
Clydie