Relationship New Isolation/ Lash Out Left Me Confused

[LouLou22]

I have been talking to my friend for the first time in 3 years after we stopped talking in high school. She has been suffering from PTSD, and attributes part of it to me because of how relationship ended in high school. However, since we resumed talking, our relationship picked up like nothing had happened. Last week, I triggered her eating disorder which then led to a triggering of her PTSD and she began to tell me how I'm a psychopath, an evil man with no heart, and a selfish monster even though I've tried to support her the best I can. She proceeded to tell me she hates me and then blocked me on Facebook. I understand that lashing out is common, but this is the first time it has happened with us. I am giving her space, but I do not know what to do. I have trouble believing she hates me because just a few days before my mistake, she was telling me how important I am to her. Any advice on how I should proceed?

 

[Newtoptsd]

In order to help it might be better to understand what mistakes you made and why your relationship ended previously?

 

[LouLou22]

Our relationship ended because I had told someone we had sex when we didn't and that lie snowballed into a rumor that I had sexually accosted her. The mistake I was referring to was triggering her eating disorder which I feel led to her lashing out. She had been using the eating disorder to cope with the trauma and had been in recovery for that for some time.

 

[Newtoptsd]

How did you trigger her eating disorder? Also can I ask if her trauma is sexual abuse trauma? Sorry for all the questions I'm just trying to get a better background to better understand!

 

[Isobel Wolf]

One thing to understand with a traumatized person is that if someone has happened to push the button, you are kind as a reflex to
1) ease tension, internally to resolve the conflict of pain and the need for love, and 2) equalize- to try to show by example how a person wants to be treated 3) to seem strong, to regain footing in the relationship.

If you Google Trauma Bonding + Cognitive Dissonance it might help you understand how negative experiences can lead a person to keep seeking the cure to the pain in whatever hurt them. Intense anxiety arousal triggers an intense flood of neurochemicals that feels like the desperation of love.

Can't tell you how many times I let someone back into my life not truly having forgiven them or resolved the injury, and it's made the person who hurt me feel like whatever they did wasn't that bad, or that I was over it. When a traumatized person's boundaries have been crossed or they have none because of trauma, business as usual doesn't erase the violation. The victim's behavior is not coming from a healthy place and can't give you forgiveness until she's resolved the problem herself. Some will only ever forgive themselves, and that's their right.

It sounds like she needs time alone to process. If you are truly remorseful, remorse asks nothing of the other person. Apologies aren't to make you feel better- it's just the initiation of a process of regaining trust.

 

[LouLou22]

Her trauma stems from a sexual assault incident. I had mentioned I had lost weight which led her to text me all sorts of expletives.

 

[Isobel Wolf]

I am giving her space, but I do not know what to do. I have trouble believing she hates me...

Giving her space is definitely the right thing to do. It sucks but you can't control how someone feels about you. You can only control your own responses to the situation.

 

[Newtoptsd]

Ok so this rumour/you telling someone you has sex and didn't will be a very sore subject for her if her trauma was a result of sexual abuse so I can understand her heartache at this. This is the same with mentioning weight loss, although this intention may have been completely innocent it will have been a kick in the teeth if she is currently struggling with her eating disorder.

I agree with @Isobel Wolf .... you need to just give her space and back off completely. Lashing out is a symptom of PTSD, and given the context I think you would be doing the best thing by leaving her alone for a while.

 

[LouLou22]

Thank y'all so much for your replies and advice!