Sufferer New Registered Participant

[Megyn White]

Hello~

I just found this website last Friday, I think. I read a thread about reenacting past trauma. I thought I was the only one who did that. I was so ashamed, and still am when I tell my therapist, but it helped to know that others do it too.

I've replied to two threads since then and today I thought I should introduce myself because my name will be popping up. I'll do a proper "diary" entry at some point so that you all know my back story. In a nutshell, tho, I'm 50 years old. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 25. 7 years ago I found my current therapist and psychiatrist. It's the first time in my life I've been 100% committed to healing and also found professionals who are a good fit- no easy feat, btw. I didn't realize it would take this long. I get discouraged at times, sometimes want to give up and give in, but I know I'm too far into this to ever do that. It's just exhausting.

I have PTSD from sexual abuse by my father and others, physical, emotional and verbal abuse by my sociopathic, alcoholic father. I only recently (4 yrs ago) realized my mother has Destructive Narcissistic Disorder. My brother is a high functioning alcoholic. My two ex husbands are alcoholics, the first being physically and verbally abusive. I've been "alone" (not in a relationship) since my second divorce 13 yrs ago. I did meet somebody 2 yrs ago and he's pretty darn awesome- he's patient, even keeled, understanding and WANTS to support me through my healing process, to the end. I feel very lucky as this is not an easy road to hoe.

I have two amazing kids, boys, 26 and 15. If it weren't for becoming a mom at 23 and continuously being a mom, I don't think I'd be here today. Of course they don't know that. It's too big of a responsibility for a kid to shoulder. As a mother, I feel lucky that I always knew what kind of parent I'd be, and it didn't include abuse. I def have my shortcomings because of my childhood, but I love my boys with all that I am- always have, always will.

Well, I think that's it for now... I just wanted to say hi to everyone as I'll be hanging around here alot.

 

[ladee]

Happy you found us ! This is a remarkable place to feel understood and supported. Happy you feel comfortable to participate. Hoping you find what you need here. Gentle hugs of acceptance if you accept.

 

[watundah]

Welcome! It is a long slow slog but it sounds like you're getting all of the pieces in place. You have plenty of warm hearts and kind helpers here. Take care.

 

[Chem Lady]

Welcome! What a road we travel!
It makes me so happy to hear about people who purposefully choose to be good parents inspite of their childhood. It's sad for me to see how often people just perpetuate the cycle. I'm also really glad your love for your boys has kept you moving forward! How wonderful! I hope this site and the community here is another aid for you on your continued journey!

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome!

I hope you decide to join the site. You'll get perks like a members only diary that can only be seen by those who have an account here (and not by everyone online or by Google) and you can privately message people, too.

 

[Megyn]

Happy you found us ! This is a remarkable place to feel understood and supported. Happy you feel comforta...

Thank you~ yes, I do accept
My therapist doesn't like for me to search and research as much as I do but as many times as I get triggered, there are more times I find others whose stories, behaviors and thoughts that are similar to mine. For instance, it's my initial instinct to not believe my flashbacks and body memories, to think that I'm either crazy or making it up. But I've found so many sexual abuse survivors say the same thing and it's sooo validating.. I realize I don't believe at first because it's "unbelievable" that a parent would do those things. And of course I may feel crazy because my parents were not normal and did abnormal things to me. Lastly, I know I'm not making stuff up, ultimately, because 1. I'm not psychotic and 2. I'm not benefitting in any way, shape or form- not financial, not emotional, nothing. Those are the things I tell myself when I question everything.

Thank you again- for reading and sending hugs~

 

[Megyn]

Welcome! It is a long slow slog but it sounds like you're getting all of the pieces in place. You have...

Thank you for the kind words. It IS a long slow slog. But at least I can see progress even when, at times, I FEEL worse

 

[Megyn]

Welcome! What a road we travel!
It makes me so happy to hear about people who purposefully choose to...

Thank you
I feel sad for the people who perpetuate the cycle of abuse, but Im sure they don't set out to do that. Their "wiring" must be different than mine? I'm extremely empathetic and sensitive to others pain, etc, which I think is part of it. I'm very triggered by children crying in stores or a restaurant. Even the neighbors 6 month old. I know he's crying because he's an infant and perhaps is waiting for formula or something, but my stomach crinkles up, my heart hurts and I just want to run to him and hold him.

 

[Megyn]

Welcome!

I hope you decide to join the site. You'll get perks like a members only diary that can...

Thank you!!
I did register the other day, but realized just a little bit ago I posted as a guest. Of course I forgot my password and all that, but I reset it and now it shouldn't say "guest" under my name!
I do want to write in the diary. I've written in a journal since I was 12 and truly writing everything out, dreams, nightmares, flashbacks, etc, has helped me immensely. It's cathartic for sure.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Welcome to the discussions :hug: I trust this place helps you. It's extremely helpful in light of the mass measure of individuals who feel comparative and get it. There is a considerable measure of guidance and backing to be found here :) I hope this astounding group helps you as much as it helped me, understanding all the comparable stories, and taking in a ton along the way. Hugs if you accept :hug:

 

[Megyn]

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply :)

I'm positive this will help as I'm always scouring the internet for survivor stories to help validate my feelings, my reactions, my memories. My family barely supports me (emotionally) through this. While no one has denied certain things happened, they can hardly talk about it (I don't remember, you've always been so sensitive, you over react, things could have been worse) because then they'd have to leave their safety bubble of denial.

 

[Naoru]

Welcome to the forum! I'm new as well! :) I think you'll find much validation in this community and have many "a-ha!" moments. Sometimes I read threads and it's as if they took the words right out of my mind. While many things might be triggering, depressing, or just so in your face you can't deny it any longer, I think it's worth it for self-awareness and steps toward healing. I hope you'll find this site as helpful as you need; there's so much wisdom and experience here!