Relationship New Relationship Advice

[LGW]

Hi. Just starting a relationship with a man I've known online over a year now. He's revealed to me he suffers ptsd from childhood abuse. I've suffered my own issues and deal with depression/anxiety that has been quite stable for some time now. The more I get to know him though, I see a pattern developing that concerns me and I wonder if its from the ptsd.

He gets mad easily and when he does, he can be very mean. But also obsessive in trying to get his point/side heard. And refuses to let issues drop when asked to, repeatedly by others. And then he will rant about them and how they're all against him & basically sulk for sometime.

I'm not sure how, or if I can handle this? As I'm reading thru the site I see that over-reacting is a common symptom. But he doesn't seem as if he's capable of recognizing he does this or that he could ever be wrong! And I'm kind of scared by that.

Is it possibly to work thru these things in a relationship with a ptsd suffered? And if so, how?!?

 

[kahlan]

Is he in therapy?

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Welcome. Yes, it is possible to work through this. It takes time and effort. My husband and I went through this. It took time and effort. We still do it on occasion but today, we both have the level of awareness of our childhood (where we felt so often unheard, unacknowledged and not understood) and are able to help each other through the feelings when it is happening.

I too, did not think my husband would EVER see the light of day with this one thing, but he did. He now admits when he is wrong.

One thing that helped me was my approach. I had to learn to approach it with kid gloves, but to speak the truth in love. That's a balance that needs to be found and you will find it.

It doesn't have to be PTSD to work through this issue. It takes honesty, openness, communication, and conflict resolution skills. There are many many books on this topic. You can do it!

 

[Everhopeful]

Would he be amenable to therapy? Cognitive Behavioural, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Dialectical Behavioural Therapy come to mind here. It is good to understand how thoughts, feelings and behaviours are linked. And how to break the cycle of reacting impulsively on misperceptions and the bad feelings that arise from this distorted thinking.

 

[lalacoastalsc]

I read your message with alot of interest because your boyfriend's behaviour is my mirror. I have ptsd too and I recognize myself here.

Your boyfriend shouldn't be in a relationship now. He's in a world of hurt and so beside himself at times that his nerves are fire raw. Ptsd sufferers will fly into a crazed frenzy when they feel provoked or attacked. Our rpms outpace any sensible behaviour and all we can do in the moment is lash out blindly and explode often viciously. This is a really serious thing. Wait until he gets some treatment relief and you know he's coping better.

If there's any way you should work with a relationship counselor (I who knows alot about ptsd) regarding your emotions and stages of involvement. This stuff's no joke. I'm hoping the best for you.

 

[LGW]

Well we're both in our 40's with children. He's a great, loving, patient father. He is in therapy, but on disability right now so he is limited to what he can have through Medicaid. This isn't a recent event that caused his PTSD, its something he's dealt with his whole life.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Have you met him in person yet? If not, how are you sure that who he says he is, is even real? I'm not usually one to try and induce anxiety in people. In fact, I try to avoid it at all costs. And, I have had several online relationships in my past and have even started in person relationships with people I met online. So, it is very popular now a days. I share that with you because I don't want you to think I'm judging your preference for dating.

I just want you to be careful. I'm sure you are already, just checking.

Other than that, it's so difficult to tell really. I know that it seems when my husband was out of work in the past, it drives him bonkers. He says he is a man and needs to work. If he doesn't, the anxiety levels rise, he goes into the pits of depression and his personality changes. I have learned to just encourage whatever he has going on in life, whatever is important to him, no matter how much he sulks. And I compliment him all of the time. I also pray for him a lot.

He does the same for me. He is a great, loving and patient man with me as well.

And I do my best to try and have my own life, fill up my schedule, etc. I come on these boards a lot for support.

Are you in your own counseling?

Have you tried having a voice conversation with him and just asking him? When he is doing it, it's best when he is right in the midst of doing it....have you tried lovingly and gently letting him know that you understand him? Like, say to him, "It seems like what I'm hearing from you is that you don't feel heard or understood?"

Let him respond.....and then maybe say, "Well, I want you to know that I completely understand your point. It sounds like you are saying (enter what you heard), is that right?"

And then find some way to relate to what he is saying. You know. A lot of the time, and we all do this....when someone is ranting, I know I put on my Mrs. Fix It hat and think that I'm supposed to solve something for those I love. I am very nurturing. Nowadays, when my husband comes ranting about something, I say, "Hey babe, is this one of those things where you need my input or advice or do you just need someone to listen so that you feel heard and understood?"

Also, there is a way to listen and empathize without fixing or enabling. Saying things like, "Oh I'm sorry. That must be so hard for you" or "I understand how you feel and your feelings are valid. What do you think the solution is?" You know, just letting someone know you care without trying to solve their problem for them.

Anyway, I hope some of that helps. Reflective listening works so well in my world these days so I thought I'd just share about it. Like I said, there are many books on this stuff. If you're an avid reader already, it might interest you.

 

[LGW]

Some excellent advice stronger now! Ty! I too am a fixer and it was already an issue and he did ask me to not do that for him tho, he appreciated my wanting to do so.

Yes Im in counseling, tho Im at a point where I dont really need to see my therapist unless a major issue comes up I need to work out with her.

He & I have know each other for over a year. We met in an online support group for alienated Parents. We've been friends for a little while & just recently admitted a mutual attraction to each other.

He keeps saying he never has these issues in real life, only in the online world surrounding the parental alienation issue. But from conversations we've had and things he's shared, plus what im learning about ptsd Im thinking maybe its that he feels more vulnerable online. So his guard goes up quicker & he then goes into attack mode immediately.

He is very aware of how he behaves in these moments. I think he still just needs to do a lot more work to not let the triggers get to him.

We have had phone conversations also. And he had planned a visit to me next month. We only live about an hour apart. Its not going to happen now tho because I ended things with him on sunday.

He completely misunderstood&over-reacted to something i said as we were chatting on fb. And went into attack mode on ME again. I tried to be kind and patient and loving in responding, not sure how well i did. But i couldnt get though to He completely misunderstood&over-reacted to something i said as we were chatting on fb. And went into attack mode on ME again. I tried to be kind and patient and loving in responding, not sure how well i did. But i couldnt get though to He completely misunderstood&over-reacted to something i said as we were chatting on fb. And went into attack mode on ME again. I tried to be kind and patient and loving in responding, not sure how well i did. But i couldnt get though to He completely misunderstood&over-reacted to something i said as we were chatting on fb. And went into attack mode on ME again. I tried to be kind and patient and loving in responding, not sure how well i did. But i couldnt get though to him.

So i ended up blocking him. He contacted me through another account angry over a meme I posted and the message was just, WOW! Not just childish but mean and cruel, throwing everything he knows about me and my situation w.my child in my face.

And that was it for me. I told him I was done. I told him he may not be in a place where he can let someone be close&intimate w.him. That he needs to own what he does instead of saying yes i was wrong, but you did this, this and that.

I told him he is a loving man, he has a great heart but he still has a lot of work to do on his issues. And i

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

(((@LGW))) Geesh. So sorry that happened. That must've hurt!

It sounds like you got a good head on your shoulders and have some good boundaries in place.

 

[LGW]

Ty! It did. And I miss him very much . . . . :`(

 

[Chris516]

LGW, He sounds like an online friend of mine that has PTSD. I have known her since 2003. Like him, she has been critical of me for a long time. There were periods of time, that we didn't talk to each other. But it has never been because of something the other person did. Several times she thought I blocked, her. I wasn't offended, but I could see how she thought I might have. I have thought several times, she had blocked me. But that has never been the case, either. I have blocked many people, but never her.

I am just glad, you stood your ground against him.