New Therapist... Again

[Pauline]

Hey guys I am sorry to go on about this but i am really depressed and in not doing good, I don't know how to break free from my father's abuse or from my same old cycle of family dynamics I am really vulnerable at the moment and feel I will not get what I deserve because he has all the power. I confronted him he denied, I confronted my mother she denied it, I have expressed to my psychatrist he said people normally disclose this what am I doing right now to you! I have no money of my own I don't feel I am strong enough to let go of my siblings, I am trying to express myself but my family is denying and my help is little... again he has all the power I am a 26 year old woman doing a film course, I want to break my silence of my fear and so does the little girl inside.

I feel like the harder I try the more everything back fires on me I am hoping this new therapist is on my pathway and she gets it I don't know my body just wants to be set free and I feel really vulnerable I shouldn't do I am 26 I don't know I feel like I am just going around in circles I brought the book courage to heal and read some of it but it makes it sound so easy about confronting and getting help I really don't think it is especially if your body is still not safe, luckily he is not in my life all the time but it still does not help....

Does anyone have a simliar journey on this or any insight or been through something similar I am fed up of despair feeling like he can destroy me X

 

[EveHarrington]

He is not living with you? Nor is your mother? Nor are your siblings?

 

[Pauline]

I am living by myself but he is financing me still X

 

[EveHarrington]

Let him pay your expenses but stop looking to your family for any kind of emotional support, admission, or explanation.

 

[hithere]

I hate that book and wish I had burned it after I read it. My advice is try to get that book out of your head. Try to get a clean and clear thinking about you and not other people's stories. Family dynamics can be awful, just sucking the very life out of you, and yet feeling trapped with them. I agree with Eve. If you need the money and help, take that, but not expect anything from your family right now. Try not to talk to them too much. Best advice I ever got from a psychiatrist was when I was in deep distress and he said, "whatever you do, stay away from your family" I know it was probably a "no-no" on the psychiatrist's part to say such a thing, but he was so, so right and it helped get me stabalized within a few days.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I hate that book and wish I had burned it after I read it.

I haven't read that book, but I've actually avoided it specifically because it has a reputation for being so awful and for guiding people in the wrong directions. As a bit of a reference point, its main author is a poet, not a mental health professional. Just because a book has sold a million copies doesn't mean it is good or helpful.

Can you focus right now and getting your daily life set up so that you can be independent? Figuring out jobs, money, etc? It sounds like that might be more pressing than "speaking your truth."

 

[Pauline]

Hey guys thanks for replying to my post I agree with you on the book, so I still have a relationship with my dad unsure of abuse or not but he is financing me, so my goals are
1 take there money they are offering for my accommodation
2 get a job stability is crucial for me living on my own etc
3 go to therapy every week
4 the worst part and the hardest stop self harming
5. Make friends

These are my goals, my self harm helped reduce my dissociation my disssociation helped reduce my self harm. I am unsure about about my father he asked me to stop self harming he had a long chat with me saying he doesn't want to see me die with this self harm the point is I'm not an idiot I know I was sexually abused but it's frustrating not knowing by whom I have a new therapist on Monday I want to say to him listen I know what my body is telling me but I just need to be heard I need to be listened to on the other hand I'm terrified of healing and feeling happy because this is state I am so used to dissociative identity disorder whatever form it comes into your body gets used to it when I keep talking to my family hospital memories keep coming back so that's a plus side I really just want stability, memories and healing to come back from abuse, less fear in my body, clarity over my abuse and my self harm to ease, I have lots of goals so I'm proud about that part it's just doing them why does the healing have to be so hard on top of old trauma you fear and get new trauma ugh and on top of all this I'm living with a hole in my heart no pulmonary artery so that's just scary enough for me as it is X

 

[susannahsays]

Memories may or may not come. If they do, you'll probably wish they hadn't, and there will be a lot to work through before any clarity is achieved. Regardless, I wouldn't hinge your future on waiting for memories to come or on knowing for sure who sexually abused you, because you may never know.

I am confused why you are contemplating letting go of your entire family due to your "father's abuse," when you later said you don't actually know who sexually abused you. Unless he was abusive in some other way, I guess. Still, I would advise caution in following some blueprint you found in a book that tells you to alienate your natural supports. If they are abusing you, ok, but it sounds like you might be setting yourself up for future unnecessary isolation which you may regret.