Supporter New To Ptsd Relationship Confused

[JessMar0126]

So, It's been 2 weeks and 2 days with no communication. I texted him last week Saturday to let him know that I am thinking of him and that I hope he well. No response. Would it be bad if I texted him again just letting him know that even though I am upset that he dropped me like a bad habit, that I am still thinking of him. That I hope he is well and I miss him.

Part of me has given up hope, but there is another part that is still hanging on.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You've admitted that he often doesn't receive your texts, yet you refuse to pick up the phone and call him. Instead of taking a chance you just blame his PTSD when the truth is that you have no idea what's going on because you refuse to do the obvious which is to simply CALL him. Really, I don't get it.

Maybe it's the PTSD, maybe it isn't. Nobody here can tell you what's going on because we don't know. Maybe his phone died. Maybe he is caught up in a family emergency. Maybe he was abducted by aliens. There could be a million reasons why he isn't responding. It's sort of maddening that PTSD is blamed when you've given us so little to go on.

I've had more than one relationship go down because of texting. People get to the point of not wanting to simply pick up the phone anymore, coupled with the assumption that texts have been sent/received. Do you really want to look back at some point in the future and wonder what could have happened if you simply tried to call him?

 

[JessMar0126]

I didn't need to feel to tell you, but I did try calling him when this all began and he did not pickup the phone. Based on his 2 short texts after that, I chose to give him space.

Nor did I blame his PTSD on this situation. Based on everything I know about him, PTSD seems to be the case. If you refer back to my original post you will see that there was no blame and I was looking for guidance.

I can deal with tough love, honest advice, and the truth however your response simply seems disrespectful to me.
Perhaps this was the wrong place for to come.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

No disrespect intended. I just don't think it's fair of you to call me disrespectful for saying to simply call him when you withhold an important detail, especially when you flat out say that you can't call him.

I think you wanting something to definitely hang your hat on so to speak and I still can't say "yes, it's PTSD" for the simple fact that I'm not a mind reader.

I hope you don't lose relationships over text like I have. But in the end, it's your decision.

 

[JessMar0126]

If you reread my original message. I did call. My apologies if I failed to mention that I did try calling again. Sorry for not giving everybody his entire life story.

As an FYI, our relationship isn't just texting. The phone works both ways.

 

[JessMar0126]

Update--
After about 6 weeks of no communication we finally had some. I am truly convinced that his recent behavior is directly caused by his PTSD and depression.

On Sunday night I texted him (thanks to me having a large glass of wine) and said that I was still missing him. He immediately responded saying the feeling is very mutual and he picked up and moved half way across the country (I won't mention which state) and he is not happy at all. He said he has been struggling to be happy the last 2 years (which I already know this- he has been home from Iraq for 2 years) He further said that I make him very happy but he can't live in the Midwest and the move didn't help him. He said he is jobless, depressed and just not happy.

I told him we can work through this together if that's what he wanted. I also tried calling him because I preferred not to have such an intense conversation via text. He told me that he wasn't ready to talk on the phone right now, but we continued texting. He asked me why I cared . He said that I a established and have a life and he doesn't have that right now. My response to him was that I care for him because he was the first man in a long time that liked and accepted me for who I am, and that I never met anybody like him. That I enjoyed all of the time I spent with him and I felt complete again when I was with him. Than he wanted to know if I meant it or if I was drunk.

I won't go into the all of the unnecessary texts of us catching up. The point was, I told him I would love for him to come home and if he was willing we can go through this together. He said he needs to save money, and is worried about where he was going to stay because he doesn't want to go back to where he was living. Which is about an hour from my home. I told him he can stay here if wants to or at the very least he can store his stuff here. Whichever he is most comfortable with.

This turned into him asking me if I want kids. Again, I know he wants kids. I told him I would, but it wouldn't be the end of the World either if I didn't. I am already 32 and I am aware of the risks when having children at an older age. He said, he for sure wants kids, and that I am an amazing woman. Every moment he has spent with me has been amazing and he feels like life will be okay when he is with me. He said he wants to try to make it work.

So there you have it. We have texted briefly yesterday. I think he is breaking in to everything again. I also made sure to tell him that if he thinks that he can find happiness where he is now then that's where he needs to be. The selfish side of me wants him to come home to me though. I said that no matter what he chooses, I am supportive of him and will always be here if he needs anything, even if just as a friend.

 

[strongandsmart25]

Hi Jess-

My guy moved in FAST too - told me everything, fell in love, lots of texting, calling, promises made, trips planned, etc. etc. but when things started getting really REAL in our relationship to the point of him seriously considering selling his house and moving in with me, etc etc (after 6 months), surprise surprise, he broke up with me (the 1st time - unfortunately, not the last).

Sorry - I shouldn't say it so sarcastically but seriously, in hindsight, if I had paid more attention, I would have seen the signs.

Basically, a guy (or girl) who moves FAST, falls FAST, everything FAST FAST FAST and NOW NOW NOW and whirlwind...well, FAST does not LAST. It is just how intimacy works (or doesn't work, rather). You have to get to know each other first and that can only be done over TIME and no, I don't mean 3 days of 24 hours straight together. (That's how I always tried to "work around" my own intuition - I'd use all kinds of excuses).

So, who knows what is going on with your guy. Maybe he moved in too fast and is having "buyer's remorse" so to speak. Or maybe he is doing this same thing to 2 or 3 other gals at the same time as you. Or maybe he's just the run of the mill "messed up puppy" who doesn't know his head from his ___.

You can't control anything else but yourself and what YOU decide is acceptable for you. Set your own boundaries and communicate them clearly. If you are not okay with no communication for a certain amount of time (whatever that amount of time is - it's your call), tell him. Example, "I need to hear from you once a day (once a week/once a month - whatever you feel you need) or I really cannot maintain contact with you for my own mental wellness." (Or something like that)

If you are in a serious, committed relationship, the once a day rule should really not be that big a stretch. After all, a text takes like 5 seconds to send and ta da, he's done with his "quota" for the day, right?

If, however, he's struggling with does he really even want a relationship, etc. etc., then maybe once a week or even once a month might be more appropriate. Just a thought.