New To Therapy...when To Share Trauma

[Lola345]

I just started therapy about a month ago and I really like the person I am seeing. I started seeing him as I have been having anxiety issues for the past several months, accompanied with depression on and off for as long as I can remember. While I know there is no rule book to therapy, I'd love some advice on when and how to share information about past trauma. I experienced date rape in college and I know, deep down, that some of my anxiety (fear of disappointment, fear of failure) is ultimately related to that. I've also never told anyone about it but I want to be honest, as I know that is the only way this process will work. Any helpful advice would be appreciated!

 

[GWhizz]

I think you will know it yourself when you are ready. I know you want to be honest but you are not being dishonest so don't pressure yourself. A month is very short imo. For now, I would be focusing on establishing and building that trusting relationship. My first T I was anxious to share my big traumas, almost eager to get it out of the way. But that was not helpful. My second T it took a good 18 months before I knew I was ready. If you really want to feel he is understanding you a bit more and what you've come through, you could just bring part of this up with him. You could tell him you had a significant trauma in the past which you feel is pivotal in everything you experience now. But also make it clear that you want to be sure you're ready to share it when you do. Usually a good T will not put any pressure on you and will encourage patience to protect you also. Sharing too much too soon can invoke the fear response. Your T will likely want to armour you with as much resources and coping skills so that when the right time comes, you are best equipped to truly process the fallout disclosing can bring.

Wishing you all the best on this journey.

 

[erigby]

I just started therapy about a month ago and I really like the person I am seeing. I started seeing him...

A month is a fairly short time. Seeing that you are already feeling comfortable and thinking of opening up sounds like you have found a good match with your therapist. I am grateful for that.
For me...I don't know when I knew I could begin to talk about some of the more challenging hard to talk about stuff.
Truthfully, now 4 1/2 months in on weekly visits...I still haven't been able to broach some of the most difficult things.
I know I need to though.
I also know he is not going to make me, or push me, or even ask leading questions.
Its all up to me when it comes to disclosure.
That being said I agree with what @GWhizz said about approaching the subject in broad terms.
"There is something I feel I need to talk about but I am finding it difficult to bring up."
Be gentle with yourself though if you find you still aren't ready.
My last session I went in and I was ready to tell all...and then when I sat down...completely froze up.
I was really frustrated with myself.
So...I drew a diagram for myself about how I got to the point of this particular traumatic event and how it has projected itself out in other areas of my life since then. It was really helpful and also made me see where if I can't address the trauma head on...there are many other areas that still need some attention that are less scary and hard. I can work on those until I am ready to let the big one out...and in doing so...am sort of working on the hard ones too.
Does that make any sense?
I am proud of the work you are doing!
It sounds like you are connecting some important things in your life. That is a huge first step!

 

[James McGregor]

just whenever you want to, as you say there are no rules. sometimes its best to just take a deep breath and say it - its nothing they havent heard before, and they have no interest in judging you - sometimes the longer you leave it, the harder it becomes. Sometimes best to right at the start of the appointment get it out, that way they have the whole session to talk about it

 

[erigby]

also what @James McGregor said...you don't want to leave what they call a door bomb.
In other words if you can't get it out early in the session don't...because the goal would be to have time to work through it with your therapist so you can leave somewhat put back together.

 

[Lola345]

Thank you so much for the advice, I really appreciate it. We have spent the last couple of sessions talking about college and that is when this occurred. To me, it feels uncomfortable to keep talking about this time of my life without at least acknowledging that something so impactful happened. I've been practicing over and over in my head what I am going to say and am grateful for the advice about not leaving it until the end of the session. Only a couple of people know about this and I feel like when I say it to my therapist it is going to make it even more real, even though it happened a while ago. Anyway, thanks again for the advice.

 

[Naoru]

To me, it feels uncomfortable to keep talking about this time of my life without at least acknowledging that something so impactful happened. I've been practicing over and over in my head what I am going to say and am grateful for the advice about not leaving it until the end of the session.

Can understand your feeling. Difficult to address the time period without addressing this major trauma.

Perhaps write it down, with as little or many details as you wish, and allow her to read it next session?

Informing T does not mean an obligation to talk about it right away. You can even preface it with: "I do not feel ready to discuss this yet, but I think it is important for you to know."

 

[Bristol]

I second @Naoru my T knows loosely everything that has happened to me but there are things she knows that we dont talk about, yet anyway and she never brings them up unless i lead. It helps me to know that she knows it is there sitting next to us but also that she respects i am not ready to engage with it yet. I sent my T an email with that stuff in it, could you try that?

 

[NightSky]

I second @Naoru my T knows loosely everything that has happened to me but there...

That's what I did. Over time, through emails, I have communicated everything. And it's the same for me- I am grateful she has the information. And if she ever brings any of it up she always prefaces it by asking if I'm ok to talk about it and if I'm not, we talk about why I'm not, instead. Thank god for email because I'm useless at saying things out loud.

 

[Lola345]

Thanks for all the great advice. I'm not sure what my therapist thinks about communicating via email. The ily conversations I have had with him over that have been about scheduling. Regardless, I really feel like I need to say it out loud. I never have to anyone before and part of me feels like I just need it to be acknowledged. I've been practicing it over and over in my head and I'm so nervous. How will he react? What will the rest of the session feel like? Will I feel better? Will I feel worse? It's overwhelming, for sure.

 

[Sideways]

Hey there:)

Reading your posts, you sound like you've already got a lot of insight (so so valuable) and that you're ready to talk about "it". The reasons that you want to talk about it, saying it out loud, having it acknowledged, are rock solid reasons, so my thoughts are go for it. If email feels awkward, and you've been practicing saying it in your head, then try saying it out loud. There's no right or wrong, so be guided by your feelings.

As to the reaction, Ts vary. A lot. Many Ts won't react much at all, others will. If you find that you're looking for a reaction, it's absolutely okay to ask your T straight up to what they think. Ultimately it's how you feel that counts, but when you haven't told anyone before, it's nice to get some validation and reassurance.

One of the things I do when I've got a bombshell to drop on my T is to dot point what I want to cover in that session, so that I can basically run the show. I like to tell my T first thing "This is what I want to cover today", so that we don't get sidetracked by things that aren't so urgent for me to deal with. There's nothing more frustrating than to psych yourself up to say something only to find yourself walking out of the session without having had a chance to say it!

I think it's really awesome that you know that you're ready for this, and even though it may be emotional and painful, I also hope that it's cathartic for you and allows you to heal.

 

[Lola345]

Wow, this site is amazing. I've been reading so many of the threads and everyone's advice has been so helpful. I'm glad to know I am not alone in my experience or feeling the way I do. I've thought a lot about this and I am going to share with my therapist what happened to me at my session tomorrow. I'm going to tell him that I want to acknowledge it but may not be ready to deep dive into it; hopefully he understands. I know he has experience with trauma and I trust him. I'm so nervous, trying to figure out how to say "it." As silly as it sounds, I hate saying the word, but I have also read some great things about actually saying it and owning it. Maybe baby steps? Let's hope I keep the emotions in check.