Sufferer New to these forums, struggling with negative self talk / self judgements

[Joeythething]

I have a hard time receiving empathy too. I find it scary. Have a good cry

Thank you so much. I feel inexplicably guilty about being here, like I will get in trouble with someone for reaching out or I am doing the wrong thing by sharing.

I don't know why it is so hard for me to accept empathy... do you have any insight you can share? I react negatively to people being kind to me and it pushes them away. I have a partner and I want to be close to him, but I keep being stupid.

I have a favourite hockey player, and I went to his team's YouTube channel and watched a video where they wish all of their fans a merry Christmas and its very sweet and beautiful. The kindness they displayed made me feel sad and undeserving, the cuteness of the mascot made me bawl, and I even felt like I did not deserve to look at the beautiful special effects someone worked so hard on. Intellectually I know this is insane, but the pain in my stomach and chest when people are loving toward me, even in a completely impersonal way like that is too much sometimes.

 

[AnD]

I just posted something similar in my diary.

I had written something that was hurting in my life and I got such nice responses. I felt shame, guilt and wanted to hide.

I dont really know why. I felt bad taking up space, affecting other people, being seen.

I might start a new thread about it. Despite being afraid doing so.

I guess we are trying to stay safe. And bad things is what we "deserve". Fear of being fooled. Fear of having to pay back something that can't be payed back. Fear of having the sweet compassion taken away from us ?

Maybe

 

[Joeythething]

I would definitely participate as best as I could in that discussion... taking up too much space and wanting to hide is a good way to describe how kindness typically makes me feel.

It's a bit like I have to say no, please, I don't deserve this, and I will drive you so crazy with my stupidity that you won't be able to maintain it and then we'll both get hurt.

 

[AnD]

Yes. I feel like that too.
Being seen as a child could possibly mean that I would get hurt. And I want to stay emotionally safe

 

[Joeythething]

I guess we are trying to stay safe. And bad things is what we "deserve". Fear of being fooled. Fear of havi...

Oh God yes, exactly! I can't do anything for people who are kind to me, I can't even buy them things, so it seems almost dangerous to accept any form of kindness. I can't believe someone else feels like this, thank you so much for sharing with me.

 

[Justmehere]

It’s common for some survivors to struggle with self contempt and negative self talk after trauma.

Sometimes it is due to internalization of the abuser’s opinions - it is a maladaptive way to cope/survive the psychological effect of trauma.

Think about it this way:

Horrible things happened to me, therefore I am bad. I am bad, and thus it makes sense trauma happened. It’s a way to deny the truth that one did not deserve the trauma and to deny that one was helpless to stop it.

But, when we cling to the truth: I am not a bad person, I did not deserve this, I am a smart and capable and wonderful person —this means we are also confronted with the reality (and perhaps grief and fear) that we were helpless to stop trauma, and we didn’t deserve it.

I struggle with accepting compliments too. I’m better at it than I used to be.

Keep learning to tolerate it as much as you can, and it will get easier. Something that helps me is to start off with this reminder to myself: I don’t agree with abusive people. My abuser is wrong. I can accept this kindness for a moment.

 

[Joeythething]

It’s common for some survivors to struggle with self contempt and negative self talk after trauma....

This is a very good and simple way of explaining it, and it makes a lot of sense. And the fact that it makes sense is scary, even if it is emotionally and intellectually positive. Trauma is such a strange awful thing to happen to a brain.

It is encouraging to know you've had success learning to tolerate kindness... I am not always awful and I have not always been awful. Why am I kind to my child? Partly because my mother was not kind to me with any consistency. But I know in my heart my child deserves to feel love, so I give him love. I must have deserved to feel love, too, and there is no shame in accepting it now when it comes. <---- I will come back and read this today when I need to. I can't believe I was able to write that out.

Thank you so, so much.

 

[AnD]

It’s common for some survivors to struggle with self contempt and negative self talk after trauma....

Yes, your words are so true.
If I accept kindness and it feels good then when it felt bad it was true too. Then people really did hurt me.

I still don't believe that my traumas were traumas but I still feel the pain. It is easier to accept that I am flawed than others hurt me.

Thanks @Justmehere

 

[Justmehere]

But I know in my heart my child deserves to feel love, so I give him love. I must have deserved to feel love, too, and there is no shame in accepting it now when it comes. <---- I will come back and read this today when I need to. I can't believe I was able to write that out.

Yes, exactly! Well said.

And you are not alone in the battle at all.

Check out this forum poll: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/do-you-struggle-with-compliments.63157/

:hug:s to you if you accept them, and because I forgot to write it before, welcome to the forums!

 

[Joeythething]

Yes, exactly! Well said.

And you are not alone in the battle at all.

Check out this forum poll:...

Hugs graciously accepted... that poll is a bit of an eye-opener...

It makes me feel a bit less alone to know that on a super-basic level, our brains all work the same... we're all human and those of us who have been badly hurt are, in some way, in it together.

I have not felt this positive for weeks, I am so glad this place exists. This is so hard but it is wonderful. I can't thank you enough. (I say thank you and sorry too much, so I am sorry for that too!)

 

[mumstheword]

Hugs graciously accepted... that poll is a bit of an eye-opener...

It makes me feel a bit less a...

I say thank you and sorry too much too!
You are definitely not alone here. I get it, lots of us do, I'm sure.
I'm kind to my children too but I struggle to communicate that I deserve kindness from them. I kind of grovel (I'm working on it but it's been a bad habit) and act in an underconfident way and I struggle to ask for help, respect and integrity from them due to my abusive/neglectful upbringing and relationship with their Dad, a much older man who got me pregnant many times from my teens on.

We aren't together now, which I was blamed for and I can't even comfortably walk through the town we live in, due to the shame and unresolved trauma and I avoid it as much as I can, so believe me, I understand!
I'm glad you made it here :-)

 

[Joeythething]

I say thank you and sorry too much too!
You are definitely not alone here. I get it, lots of us do,...

I am the same way, in that I am much less than confident in pretty much every situation... I don't stand up for myself and I am awful at being assertive or asking for anything.

This is kind of funny, ha... I once got evicted from a place because my disability cheque didn't go through and I was literally too scared to call either my landlord or the government, so I just stayed home until my eviction notice came. My worker was so confused as to why I didn't call for help, but I was just... frozen. I am better than that now... but I still have my moments...

I'm scared I'm setting a bad example, because I don't want my kid to grow up thinking he should be a doormat, or that he should treat me like one... it's hard to find a balance. Are your kids younger or older? If you can't share that info it's ok. Mine is still practically a baby... I have a bit of time to try to right the ship a bit on how I interact with people but it is daunting!

Thank you so much for sharing part of your story with me... it really means a lot to know that someone else who has been mistreated in some of the same ways I have been is a successful parent, especially while getting the exact opposite of support. You are so strong & I need to know people like us are strong.