Supporter New To This And Don't Know Where To Turn To Address Trust Issues

[exhausted 81]

My boyfriend suffers from PTSD, we have been together just a little over a year, and things have taken a toll on me. He is currently in treatment for the PTSD and I couldn't be more proud of him.

For about 5 months he was addicted to the "legal marijuana" and it was like he wasn't there anymore. I dealt with a lot of emotional and verbal abuse. He got help and is now clean.

The one constant problem is he has no trust. Is this common with PTSD sufferers? What can I do to help him feel at ease? I tried talking to him and he says its not true and tells me its my problem. I have been dealing with so much stress it is now affecting my health.

How can I help him? Any advice would be great. Thank you

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi, and welcome to the forum!

I'm a bit confused but I'm guessing that while he says he trusts you, his actions say otherwise? I don't know if there is anything you can do to make him trust you. Perhaps consistency with your words and actions will show him over time?

I don't really trust anyone. My guy friend of sorts finally got so frustrated with me that he said "can you just PRETEND for five seconds that you trust me?!?" That sort of hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought about it and realized that he's never given me a reason to mistrust him. He may not be forthcoming with every detail of his life, but I've never caught him in a lie, which to me says a lot, in that if he says something, he means it!

I don't advocate necessarily going that route. However, you can show him you're trustworthy. If he doesn't start to trust you at some point, you may want to rethink things.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Exhausted81,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

There is an entire section for supporters that you may find helpful. There is a lot of information and posts by members who have dealt with similar issues. The best part is the support you will receive as dealing with PTSD within a relationship is difficult and stressful.

I have PTSD and in regard to trust issues, it takes me a while to trust. The prior abuse shades the present, but I have worked very hard to overcome this. Be patient and he will have to work on his own trust issues. It takes time but it can be overcome.

Wishing you the best.

Debbie

 

[exhausted 81]

Scaredoflonley yes his actions and tone of voice scream he doesnt trust. I have done nothing to make him not trust me. I'm open and honest with him and even told him he can look at my phone, emails and Facebook. I would think after a year he would at least somewhat trust me. He on the ither hand was caught sending dirty texts to an ex. He pleaded with me to have some faith in him but he has no faith in me. Ive stuck by him through everything. I just dont know what else to do. I'm physically and mentally exhausted and now my health is failing. I love him so much but I dont know what else to do.

Intothelight thank you but where do I go for supporters? I'm a noib and looked around a bit on the site but wasn't successful.

 

[amethist]

Hi exhausted 81.

You can find the supporters section by clicking on the link below. You will be made very welcome and will find loads of support there.

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/#supporters.37[/DLMURL]

Amethist

 

[MoeX]

Ive been with my guy for 3 years. Feeling like there is not trust if very hard. He trusts that I will not mess around on him but he has a hard time trusting that Im not gonna leave him. I feel like when someone suffers from PTSD they know they are not the only one suffering. The gf/bf also suffers. Sometimes they wonder why we stay, hence it being harder for them to let us in all the way. We could hurt them by walking away.

The only way you can help him is by supporting him in his treatment and having faith in him without becomming a door mat. You also really need to take care of yourself. How much help can you be to him if you yourself are ill. Find someone you trust to talk to. Or just come here as I know that people in your 3d world dont always understand. Take a time out ever now and againg to do the things you enjoy. You can not let yourself get lost in him.

 

[exhausted 81]

I would love to go out and do things. Problem is if I dont go with him he gets extremely upset and it starts a fight.


Also did someone change my title for the post?

 

[MoeX]

I would be really worried about the fact you can't go out. Like anywhere?? I would be worried about myself being isolated. Nothing good comes of that.

Not sure about the post name change

 

[ClairBear226]

The one constant problem is he has no trust. Is this common with PTSD sufferers?

Ummm... Yea. Big issue. I've had the diagnosis of PTSD for the same length of time as I've known my husband - 20 years. Until recently, I never had any reason to not trust him. On the contrary, he really helped me to be able to begin to trust again. But he made one really big goof in the last year, and I find myself fixated on the issue of trusting him again. It's hard. REALLY hard. I've examined this issue at length lately, and have come to the conclusion that part of me half expects that I will be lied to or betrayed. I work on the assumption that it's a WHEN, not an IF. Which is really lousy, I'll admit. I'm trying to recognize when I'm jumping to an incorrect conclusion, and trying to learn to give the benefit of the doubt. I hurt a friend recently because I jumped to an incorrect assumption, and am struggling to rebuild trust between my husband and I. It's not an easy thing. But recognizing that it's an issue may be half the battle. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend has reached that point yet.

I agree with the problem of not being able to go out. Can you describe that problem further? Was that a norm that he grew up with? I know that isolating a loved one is a very common thing for an abuser to do. I dealt with this myself with my ex. I would take that as a big red flag, and be very, very careful.

 

[exhausted 81]

Sure. If I want to go hang out with a female friend, go to a work function etc he gets extremely upset. He says hes fine with it but his tone of voice and actions tell me otherwise. If I dont answer the phone when he calls me at work or home he has a suspicious tone asking me why didnt I answers those phones, no hi are you ok, just straight to the attitude. I feel like he calls my work or home to see if im where im supposed tobe. If he has to call my cell he seems to think im doing something. He claims he doesnt do any of that and gets defensive when I say something. He is currently at the VA to help with the PTSD. It seems if hes not around his mind starts to play with him. Recently I added an old good male friend and I got the same tone, he asked me if wedated or had sex. It wawasn't like that with my friend so to put him at ease I deleted all men on my page except for family.

 

[exhausted 81]

He had a horrible childhood and extremely unhealthy romantic relationships. Hes also a recovering alcoholic/addict . Just some background on him

 

[ClairBear226]

Exhausted.... without jumping to conclusions about a man I obviously don't know, I'm going to tell you that my ex did very much the same thing. I was a Navy wife, so he was gone for long stretches at a time, but when he was home, it wasn't even a possibility to go out with a group of friends without him giving me the third degree. If we were out together, I was frequently accused of looking at other men. When I made friends, he would make comments about not liking them for one reason or another. If I was close to a family member, he would find something wrong with them too. It was just easier to not try to go out anywhere after awhile. Then he began to call from the ship (when it was in port) during breaks and lunch time. If I didn't answer, I better have a good reason why. Eventually, even the time I spent grocery shopping was questioned.

I eventually learned how smart this really was. If he isolated me from friends who might see him for what he really was, there was no one to help me see that this relationship was very unhealthy. It was one of many tactics he used to gain control. A form of manipulation. The jealousy and possesiveness was over the top near the end, but it began so gradually and insidiously that I accepted it. It became normal. It was even flattering at first.

I really can't say that this is what he's doing. As I've said, I'm trying to learn not to jump to such negative conclusions. But I would consider it a warning signal that something is wrong. I don't think I can put a link on here, but I can send you a link to a health website that includes warning signs, etc, and you can decide for yourself how much of a problem this might be. If he's in therapy, I would also suggest an appointment with his therapist to discuss these issues. If that's a thought that alarms you, or you think that he would not allow, I would consider that a second red flag.