Newly diagnosed and in a pickle

[InsertCoinsHere]

Hello all,

I've recently been diagnosed with Developmental Trauma by a psychologist, I have a fair few of issues going on and most likely fall in the CPTSD category due to PTSD symptoms.

I'm currently on a working holiday visa in Australia, I'm 26 and I live with my girlfriend and work full time.

I feel totally overwhelmed everyday.. I'm just about keeping my head above water and ignoring the almost daily suicidal thoughts. I've been in therapy for the past 6 months and I've seen improvements yet I know I have a long way to go.

My girlfriend really wants to travel South East Asia for the next 4 months (leaving mid Oct) yet I have concerns over my wellness, I'd love to travel but the stress of everything (work, financing the trip, living abroad in a shared apartment, working casual low grade jobs, being in a intense relationship, therapy, social obligations..) it all feels like I'm walking a tight rope which I almost every other day get triggered badly and spiral down.

I know being in a safe secure place is vital for recovery and here doesn't feel like that place. I've discussed these concerns with my Girlfriend yet I don't think she quite understands where I am at in recovery and what I can handle.

I'm so near booking a flight home and staying at my parents place while I heal and get therapy however I know how much my girlfriend wants to travel as would I but I know sometimes I need to be realistic as I've been fighting mental health issues for over a decade and I've never quite lost the beast, I feel it's time to rest and heal, no more pushing on.

I'm looking for advice on whether people here have travelled lengthy periods of time in relatively uncomfortable situations while suffering? What was your outcome?

Any other advice is also helpful to tackle this issue I keep ruminating on. I'm on Zoloft 100mg and employ skills daily to help control the symptoms.

Thank you.

 

[Akhos]

Firstly, welcome.

This is going to sound selfish, but the most important person must be you. I learned this the hard way resulting in numerous breakdowns and the development of worsening anxiety and depression as I didnt listen to what my brain and body were telling me. My wife didnt understand how much I was struggling despite me breaking down on tears every time she touched me. I took me to write a completely and utterly honest letter which I left for her to read when I went out to work for her to actually start to realise. It took me telling her that I am on the edge and that I dont want to live anymore, but I dont want to die either. It took me telling her that I want to tell her everything, but I am scared to tell her everything in case she leaves.
Only you know if you are strong enough to keep travelling, if you are not, then dont do it. You have to come first when you are struggling because your body will eventually force you to take action like mine did, when I ignored it, I just suffered more and more mentally (and physically come to think about it).
I went away to uni in a foreign country years ago whilst suffering, for me, that was the best thing ever for me. It was just me, I didnt have to think about anyone else, I wasnt a particularly nice person at that time and over the course of a few years, everything I did was about me and me alone. Selfish - oh yes, did it work, definetely, those issues are no longer a problem. Unfortunately since then, I have suffered further traumas, unrelated, which have thrown me back again.

 

[EveHarrington]

You have to put on your own oxygen mask first!

Meaning, take care of yourself first!

Asia will ALWAYS be there. If you're fighting suicidal thoughts, now is NOT the time to go to a foreign country that likely has crap in terms of mental health care.

If your girlfriend can't understand, try sitting it down and explaining it to her. If she has no ability to comprehend or empathize, dare I say this is not a relationship you want to be in?

 

[Akhos]

Look after yourself because if you dont, noone else ever will. Thats not selfish. Its realistic and truthful

 

[Neverthesame]

What Eve said.
But also, if you do decide to go. Check out the local laws and exemptions regarding your medications.
Can you get a refill of your Rx? If not, can you bring enough with you? Is it legal to cross the border with it, and how much can you bring? How much will it cost in the country you are going to be living in? Can you afford it on whatever meagre wage you are going to be surviving on?

If you need to stop taking it, be aware that you might find yourself working your way across a foreign country while in the throws of the discontinuation syndrome of a mood drug. Zoloft is an SSRI. That class of drug can have a nasty discontinuation syndrome, especially when it's done cold turkey.
I've done it twice now. First was Paxil (SSRI), second was Effexor (SNRI). Both were miserable experiences.

If you still want to go, great. Just remember that the point of doing something like that is for the adventure. Adventures are supposed to be enjoyable experiences.
Desperately trying to make enough to survive in a foreign country while battling a mental disorder and juggling a relationship, may not be the kind of adventure you are seeking.

Like Eve said very well. Asia will still be there later, no need to rush.

 

[Sideways]

My guess is that on a working visa, your access to proper medical support even here is limited and expensive, yeah?

The vast majority of psychologists here are not certified to offer much more than skills (like cbt and mindfulness) and a bit of support. Very few have adequate training to assist a person with cptsd without the backup of a team, which would include a pdoc, preferably one specialising in complex trauma. Unfortunately, that's just how the system here works. Something to keep in mind while you consider your options.

The other issue with adding further travel to SE Asia (where you'll effectively have no mental health support), is that the body doesn't differentiate between good stress and bad stress (cue checking the Stress Cup analogy). So while it could be that an exciting holiday would be great, and serve as an awesome and effective distraction, it could very easily make your symptoms worse.

You're in the best position to assess what's in your best interests. For what it's worth, I don't think going home to the support of mum and dad would be a cop out. Deciding to deal with the very unfair, but very real trauma that you have, which sounds like it's becoming a bit unmanageable, would be an incredibly brave thing to do. Maybe that's your journey?

Asia will always be there. Be nice to be able to enjoy it when you go:)

 

[MrMoonlight]

Sounds like you have a lot of good things happening in your life. I worry that you may be adding one too many balls to the juggling act..if you know what I mean. When I attempted more than I could handle all the balls came tumbling down and I lost absolutely everything. You say you fight suicidal thoughts every day and you already feel as if you are walking a tightrope.

Slow things down and take care of yourself first.

I’m so glad you are aware enough to analyze your position and recognize the possible risk. Wish you the best on your decision.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

Take care of yourself first and foremost.

I did. I still do when I'm my PTSD goes wacko due to a trigger.

Twenty-five years ago my husband had a T at the same time I started therapy. The T told my husband that if I didn't focus on my healing first, there wouldn't be a marriage. My husband and I just celebrated our 32nd anniversary this month.

 

[InsertCoinsHere]

Thank you all for the supportive messages, one of my main stressors comes from work as I'm constantly meeting new people and talking with 4 guys in a small environment for 10 hours a day so I'm always having to listen and chat.. This in itself feels exhausting and my mental cognition such as recall and retrieval is zapped, I'm having to constantly navigate and fake enjoying conversations as I don't want others to know what's up. I feel drained after work and there's no energy left to dedicate to healing. This in itself is an issue.

I'm praying travelling will allow me space to heal however there will be periods of lots of travelling and different locations in short periods of time (e.g. 2 days here..3 days there..) I'm hoping this won't over tax me as I will no longer be working. A sort of trade off. There will be a period where I will stop at a location for 2-3 weeks and this may be a good time to rest.

I'll keep you all updated, therapy tonight so that will help me blow off steam. Thank you.

 

[Neverthesame]

I truly hope it goes well for you. I can definitely understand why you want to do this. Travelling to a totally different place, with a different culture.
Being able to actually immerse yourself in the culture, instead of sitting in the bubble of superficial glossed over tourism you find in resorts.

The job I work at now is Canada's version of that sort of employment. I've had the opportunity to be on the other side of what you're planning to do.
I've met many people from all over the world, who have come here for temporary work as they make enough to travel on to their next country of interest.

We also get many immigrants new to North America. It's an unexpected perk of the job, being able to talk to these people and learn about them, their country and culture.

Please do keep us updated. This is a good place to talk about what can't often be spoken of elsewhere.
Again, I hope this adventure turns out to be as good or better than you are hoping. It certainly sounds like fun.

 

[InsertCoinsHere]

Yesterday was a bad day, I felt exhausted and just about keeping it all together while heading into work. Anyway later in the day one of the work guys started telling a story on how someone tried to push him over and it backfired he demonstrated by barging his shoulder into mine and I froze up, it was unexpected and I didn't feel like a voluntary participant. I knew I didn't like it yet froze as I always do when other males are being aggressors (I have multiple bullying and CSA traumas), he's been sizing me up since day 1.. He comes across friendly but is extremely narcassistic.

This triggered my mood to decline rapidly and trust vanish which is the worst because I struggle to trust as people keep abusing it. My mood is now so low and I'm exhausted, I saw my T yesterday evening when I was really low and my T commented I was extremely low. We didn't do any therapy work as a result.

I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Everything is my fault and I'm making everyone miserable. I just want solitude.

 

[EveHarrington]

I understand wanting to get out of a stressful work environment, but running away on holiday to Asia isn't really a way to heal PTSD. The "run away" factor is HUGE here.

Everywhere you go, there you are. You take "you" with you. There is no outrunning PTSD.