Sufferer Newly diagnosed with cPTSD, repressed childhood trauma

[madipurple]

I am a cis woman in my late 20s. I came here from Pete Walker’s book on cPTSD, as I have found it very difficult to find others that struggle with similar experiences/diagnoses. I have been through the wringer this year, and I am exhausted but determined to work through this and become the person I want and deserve to be.

In April I experienced resurfacing of repressed memories of severe abuse in my early childhood. Sexual, violent, psychological - I’d always had a suspicion that I had sexual trauma but no memory of it, and never expected that I would be able to recall what happened.

One day I sat down and told myself I wanted to face the things I was too afraid to ask myself, and after finally letting myself trust my body and mind I experienced several somatic memories over the course of about two weeks.

Unfortunately, that sent me into a pretty severe panic and flashback state, and I experienced some delusions out of fear and wanting to feel safe again because I had no real support. Even my therapist at the time really had no idea what was happening with me, because up until then I was always a fairly calm and collected individual.

I know now that many of the things I was thinking and feeling then were not true, and I have felt such deep shame for my actions and thoughts during that time, despite making a tremendous effort to heal and understand what was happening to me.

On top of that, I am working through the “textbook” developmental trauma I experienced after I was eventually removed from the severely abusive situation (it’s very complicated, but essentially nobody was aware or just didn’t want to see that severe abuse was happening)

I also recently got out of an abusive relationship after a few years, so my whole world has been flipped upside down. Thankfully, I have a new therapist who is wonderful and helping me work through this, and I am looking for a new psychiatrist as the current one I’ve been dealing with has been unreliable in scheduling/consistency (they noted in my chart that I was married, when I’ve never been, and that was kind of the last straw for me)

Anyway, sorry about the small novel - just wanted to share and see if anyone else has dealt with similar experiences and see what has helped others. Feel free to ask any clarifying questions, I know my situation is a lot to take in and I tried to keep things as simple as possible. Thank you in advance!

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum:)

You’re in an especially difficult part of your healing right now. Self compassion, and creating habits that can be worked into the daily routine, together with looking for spontaneous opportunities to be kind to yourself, are potentially going to be both very difficult, but also very important.

 

[madipurple]

Welcome to the forum:)

You’re in an especially difficult part of your healing right now. Self compassion, and creating habits that can be worked into the daily routine, together with looking for spontaneous opportunities to be kind to yourself, are potentially going to be both very difficult, but also very important.

Thank you :)

It has been difficult, but I am taking it day by day and trying to be as kind to myself as I can. I have noticed a big difference in the last 6 months from my initial state, when I believed I’d never get back to feeling like me again. I am able to socialize in small doses, enjoy some of my old hobbies, and I’ve started going for walks, that has helped a lot

 

[chocolatemoose]

I also came to this forum from Pete Walker's book on cPTSD :-) Taking it day by day is a really good idea, especially in these early stages of healing. And good on you for getting out of an abusive relationship!

 

[OpenHeart]

Thank you for your share. One thing that strikes me is your clarity about where you are, and your determination to do what you can to recover from abuse. Welcome.

I am also new to this forum, but not new in my journey through CPTSD. I find it helpful to hear about others' experiences because most people don't share this level of trauma, and there are many who don't recognize the "everyday" traumas that are part of the culture at large.

A talk I came across recently has been very helpful: "Trauma Masterclass: Understanding and Repairing Our Hidden Wounds" on the Being Well channel on YouTube. In it Forrest Hanson interviews several prominent trauma authors/therapists. I got a lot out of it, and was deeply touched by the sharing of their own traumatic backgrounds. Here's the link:

Being in present time, in my body, monitoring thoughts and beliefs, and reducing overstimulation are tools I use. I've started breathwork accompanied by my own visualizations to help me relax, and am using the Welltory app to monitor some of my biometrics and state of coherence. This is helping my motivation to keep at healthy practices.

One thing that I've experienced is the healing power of empathy. I hope this is true for you as well, and I celebrate that you have good professionals who can guide you. Wish you the very best, and look forward to hearing more from you.

 

[arfie]

hello madi. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

I know my situation is a lot to take in

not so much to take in here. you have, indeed, discovered a place where people can relate. still, those novellas are encouraged for a goodly number of reasons, from venting to sorting. share freely. share often.

welcome aboard. hope healing happens here.