No compassion for me even in tragedy.

[Fadeaway]

Being raped = not deserving of compassion
Losing a parent to suicide = not deserving of compassion
Being the victim of D.V. = not deserving of compassion
Death of a child =not deserving of compassion
Death of the only person who somewhat cared about me as a child = not deserving of compassion

I get it, I am worthless. I would be better off dead that's what everyone wants right? Then I would be out of their hair. It has been proven time and time again no one would miss me. My Dr. has ignored my repeated cries for help. He wants me out of his hair. I am sure he dreads every time he sees I have scheduled an appointment.

My husband I don't know why I can't even get him to hug me.

I am a horrible person for hurting over such trivial things. I deserved to be punished for having these things happen to me. I must pay for for causing inconvenience to other people for spoiling their existence with the knowledge of what has happened to me.

Hard day at work? 100X worse than being molested and having to deal with it on your own and being rejected when you reach out to the adults who you thought were supposed to help only to be punished and despised by the for the rest of their lives. Losing a child and being such an inconvenience to the nurses and because for some reason you sicken them so badly they put you in a recovery room with happy celebrating family when no one, not a single person cared called or came by to see how you were coping

Fatigue from work X100 worse than 7 days in a row of not sleeping and when you finally succeed being plagued by nightmares of your mothers

Stop stop stoop stop, how can a hug be asking the rediculus? I can't can't can't why won't anyone help do they want a f*cking corpse on their nice shiny entrence way? is that whay they want, because that is what they are driving me to proving I am alone and and incapable of hinding one caring com[passionate person I just need a shoulder to lean on to for a tiny moment, but the lack is going to kill me




HELLLLLLLLLLLLLP ME someone pleaseplease someone tell me I am worth saving.

 

[EveHarrington]

YOU ARE WORTH SAVING!

(Yes, all caps is necessary to get my point across and emphasize what I'm saying!)

:hug:

 

[honeypie058]

Wish I could help you in person. You are worth saving and deserve peace and compassion.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

((((((((((Fadeaway))))))))))

:hug:. You are a good person. You are loved.

 

[Freida]

HELLLLLLLLLLLLLP ME someone pleaseplease someone tell me I am worth saving.

Of course you are worth saving!. You deserve a chance to get help and to discover a world where people care about you the way you want them to! It's out there. You know this because I've seen posts from you offering hope to others. You may think your horrible but your thousands of posts helping others prove over and over that's not true

 

[ladee]

Yes hon, you are worth so much more than you know. You shared words I have spoken to myself so many times... understand that kind of hopelessness and pure feelings , and they are pure, of simply taking up space on this earth.... I could have written this myself years ago and absolutely believed it..... but it is pain talking, it's being lost talking, it is being so alone you wonder why you are still here talking....

I have been there... not for awhile, but i have been where you are.... and I can tell you, from my heart and experience, those feelings change... you deserve compassion... from people who understand and have it to give to you unconditionally....

My heart is breaking for you because I am feeling your words in the pit of my stomach, and how much I believed it to be the only truth when I was where you are..... it is not true, you DO DESERVE COMPASSION.... you are going to take one tiny baby step, unknowingly , and find yourself on a different path.... a path of knowing you are about to let go of something, don't know what, as i do not know your story... and that tiny baby step is going to change everything... not in a flash of light, not magical, but it is going to change.....

I have deep compassion for you, and empathy, because i have most of those things on my own list..... what will it take for you to believe us... or believe me... as i have walked where you are .... I have felt as you feel.... and something changed... I started to fight those feelings... and never having compassion shown to me, had no idea how to start.... but i wrote long letters to all those who did not have the time to tell me i was worth saving, worth loving, and that my purpose on earth was NOT to suffer every day of my life..... and I cried, and I was so hurt and angry I tore thru the paper, but I kept writing.... and i let my pain out... and called them all of LIARS..... they could not give me what I needed, but others were put in my life to prove them all wrong, time and time again.... maybe your baby step was reaching out tonight... and asking for what you NEED.... and you are being given that, freely.... I did not have the forum full of people who cared about me... but i started fighting... taking all that hurt and anger and making it work for me.... wasn't a pretty sight for awhile... i didn't give a damn.... I was fighting for my life.... and so are you.....

Start by saying over and over and over, that all of that is LIES..... all of it.... you are getting compassion by the bucket full here right now... pour it over your head, feel the warmth of compassion for your pain....It's yours , your gift !!!! And start by believing in yourself, even if it feels wrong and stupid and hopeless..... show yourself some compassion... in what ever form that takes... reaching out for help is self compassion.... you DO DESERVE to be loved and honored in your struggle to live..... we are here for you.... always, loving you until you can love yourself.... very proud of you for asking for what you need.... that is powerful, that is taking back the power that others have taken from you...... you are love and respected.... and you will understand that baby step and move into places you never imagined were there for you... sending you buckets of love and compassion... buckets and buckets of what you need.... and lots of hugs and experience to say, it does change.... it does.... lots of love for a fellow traveler.... we are on this dark ride together.... neither of us are alone.... try to believe it... it's true.

 

[Fadeaway]

Wow
@ladee It hurts to know know other people know what it is like ot hurt this badly, but it helps and your words are so precious to me right now, I can't even begin to explain.

Thank you all of you. I hate that is has gotten this bad, I did everything to to try and stop myself from getting to this place, but I couldn't do it on my own. I need medical intervention, I know that. but compassion. the words from all of you, I think that helps me more than some cold hearted Dr. any day. I think maybe my next step is finding a Dr who doesn't make me feel guilty for stressing him out.

I know they say that no one can make you feel like shit unless you let them, but how do I stop. how do I not let them?

 

[ladee]

In the case of he Dr, you change dr's.... and sometimes others do make us feel a certain way, it's just up to us to figure out who we still want in our life, if it's costing me too much, a few hurt feelings simply don't matter.... fight. Make up your mind to fight. And PTSD has no damned rules, and sometimes it takes over, no matter how hard we try.... we rest, and we start again..... you matter and you are heard... gentle hugs.

 

[mumstheword]

You are worth so much more than any of those people have shown you. You must believe it, you are beautiful and good and kind and you deserve all the compassion.

I like to stroke myself and i hug myself when I am here all alone feeling so haunted by all the horrors and the callousness and the cruelty and disregard. I remind myself that the crappy treatment I have received is not a reflection of my worth, it is simply their inability to treat me with the love I need and deserve and so I must give it to myself.

I am feeling for you, and wish I was there to give you a big heartfelt hug, even though I don't know you, i relate to your pain and to that sense of aloneness and need for love and kindness and acknowledgement.

I have gone on a journey out of that very uncared for place and found lots of kindness and support, but I needed to honour myself and my desire to survive, in order to start to look around and find it.

Good luck! You deserve all the kindness, compassion love and acknowledgement that you could possibly ask for, and more!

 

[Friday]

I get it, I am worthless. I would be better off dead that's what everyone wants right?

Never kill yourself to make someone else happy. Make them do their own dirty work.

If they want you dead? f*ck making them happy.

 

[hodge]

Dear Fade, I really can't improve on ladee's words. Just know how much I love and value you and how much so many here value you and love you.

 

[Fadeaway]

So I guess there were some serious f*cked accusation about me. Not knowing any of this I couldn't understand or make sense of what was happening or why. I found out about the nature of the accusations after I posted this. I am horrified and sickened but I now I am out for blood and justice. Nope, can't die until this person pays... this isn't some little "she had an affair" lie. Honestly, I would have been devastated and hurt, but this is like serious... answers so many question about why I was treated the way I was by people who apparently believed this story and why nothing was done to my abuser. I am guessing either him of his new wife are the ones spreading the story around online. This persons proof is the sex acts with others he forced me into as punishment for refusing anal. I was a full on rape victim and was obviously in no way a willing participant.

I don't have to tell you guys I am innocent. I don't know who or even how to begin to deal with this. I mean the working as a stripper part of it, yeah that part doesn't bother me. I never did, I never thought I had the body for it, nor the guts, but I respect the talent that is involved.

It is one thing to be an unwilling victim, but to be accused of being a willing participant.... My heart is crying out for justice right now. I am actually afraid to let my anger die because if it does, I can't say that I won't with it.

On the bright side I have never been this good at holding in vomit. I have a week stomach and it comes all to easy for me. but I refuse to one this keyboard.