No desire to meet therapist tomorrow.

[Anana]

No feelings left no emotions. She had left me when i needed it a lot. Twice in a row. What is the use to see her now? I know I can't expect anybody will be available any time i need but she promised. And she left and that was a disaster. But now I function without her. And dont feel trust to her as well. Why the hell did she tell me about openness and reassure the life is not scary and I'm not alone. I took away all my defensive mechanisms that helped me more or less these years and then i was left with nothing like naked and that again made me feel that painful pain when you are naive and kind. So I dont see reasons to go to therapy tomorrow. It makes me even more vulnerable. I won't be happy child ever but I could and and will be strong to protect myself from others.

 

[Skywatcher]

Are you saying that she went out of town or canceled some appointments?

 

[Anana]

She didn t respond. She saw my messages and like ignored it. And only much later she typed when we can meet (we dont have the same schedule every week) but it is too late. I asked to meet that Thursday and now it's Tuesday evening and I had terrible days and states. I survived. What for is she now

 

[Skywatcher]

This sounds like a communication problem involving your expectations in the situation? This is something that I highly suggest you discuss with her in person. Tell (or write down) how it makes you feel. I have been through a similar issue with my T and we have worked it out. I have abandonment and attachment issues and see a relational style therapist. She does a lot of reminding to me that people care imperfectly. It helps to know that. Also, I schedule way in advanced. Now I have a regular spot set up.

 

[grit]

I am really sorry you feel this way and I am really glad you wrote it down here and have others reflect with you.

I hope my post is not too forward but I want to say few things:
You are strong. Cause you can function without your therapist and she probably feels that way too. You are strong.
It is unfortunate your therapist did not fill this strength for you while you still needed her but at the same time, you are still strong enough to keep going without her. This is really good and I can see you recognize this strength and I hope you are so proud of yourself that you felt the need for help and took things into your hands and you are fine!

Now you are angry. And this is also good. You got strength enough to feel you are angry because you believe you were ignored by your therapist. Do you see the difference?

You did not need her for soothing you. You did that all yourself but you are angry by the ignoring of the text. This is at minimum misunderstanding to rude and at maximum ignoring or again misunderstanding. You will never know unless you find out by asking her.

I hope you can separate:
you needed her for soothing/dependence - you are fine. you did it alone and you are OK just like any other healthy person.
she ignored your text (or did not respond) - the reasons can be many including ignoring or maybe to million other reasons including having her own issues in life with kids, family, work etc - you feel angry rightfully but you do not have the full story yet.

To and not to go therapist: I will leave it up to you but if I were you, I would go and say I want to respectfully know why you did not respond to my text. I would also share with her that you needed her and you manage without here - THIS IS REALLY AN ACCOMPLISHMENT for you!

But I also understand you do not want to go. If I am super overwhelmed with feelings arising from the therapist and I am feeling hot headed, I also rather not go so I get you.

 

[blackemerald1]

I survived. What for is she now

Because you have other things to discuss. Because you need not go through such bad states in order to just survive. Because you can do more than survive - you can thrive.

Go and describe to her how your week went. See if you can avoid this happening again. :hug:

 

[Anana]

Thank you for your replies! I had a session and it was the weirdest of all before.

@Skywatcher, i managed to tell her i was very frustrated and compared it with small death explaining that after which i dont feel neither safe not oriented how to live at all. but it was just "sorry i couldnt answer". so, me ,being a lot detached (thankfully she noticed it because i never was so detached witn her before) i coulnt explain my feelings. because now they are really like dead. And it is the Nth day when im in this "light dissociation".I dont know how to live, i dont want any of my previous plans. all my desires is just sleep.(we discussed it here Infant parts and how to care for them?

@grit , thank you for a good reply i appreciate your concern but sorry to disppoint you but such support doesnt much hepful(IDK why it is always trigerring me so much) but i really get even more frustated when people tell me "oh look you seem so strong and confident you do a good job" yes, i know i can make such a look BUT i dont want to have it by this heavy cost! i can do smth very good(trying to be perfect and at the same tme forbidding myself to try to be perfect) but then i need some days to recover. and that is really sad that even my T says " oh you have succed in this or in that" while the actual problem is not external achivments but those awful painful efforts and pain and fear that i m having while doing it.

@blackemerald1 , i understand your point, tought about it but now i just want nothing. she asks me "what would you like at this momemnt" and my answer is "to disappear". Because i know what i have to do to recover and i f...work 24 hours with all these patterns, ideas, reactions, and then when i feel a bit better i try to live like normal people dealing with routine problems plus being in new city alone with a child. that is why i think to stop therapy because i dont have so much strenght as do all this simutaneously. I see that in order to to start mindfull, peacfull life i have to get rid of many issues paying huge attention to my inner child. but it appeared to be so needy that it takes all my time and then i appear to be a bad mother. so at least i will try to be normal mother because to make happy everyonedy is utopic. I know that my post now doesnt have much logic. i apologise.but im tired to be a "right person". i lived the whole my life in cirumstances when being kind and relaxed was punished. i wanted and tried to be ok but i cant.

 

[grit]

my dear anana,
I am sorry about my comments you are right 100% I have become one of those people! Yikes!

What I meant was yes you needed her but even when she was not available, for some reason, you are still here and still going to therapy and still hopeful. So your pain is real and alive and strong but your hope is just as much. You are here! this is the most important thing!

I really do not know the pain associated with the need to depend on the therapist (which is basically a real failure of the first class when you were a baby)...it sounds really awful and just excruciating and I do not have words to support you but I hear you.

That need for the therapist is real but the person noticing it is also real and that is you. I know you are probably sick and tired of hearing all of this but I still hope for you to take care of yourself and your inner children needs.

All the best.

 

[Anana]

Thank you @grit, you made me cry,you are very caring and wise.