No Emotions?

[Deleted member 34328]

I recently experienced a traumatic experience - already was diagnosed with PTSD 4 years ago.

As soon as my therapist read between the lines, he wanted a session asap, which I did. It was a sexual assault situation. I didn't understand what had happened at the time. He was very helpful and I appreciate his imediate response. He helped me to understand what happens in the mind of a perpretrator and what I can expect the following weeks to look like. He addressed the whole "assigning blame". I was still in shock and frozen when I saw him as it was still only a few days after the fact. He got that right away. So no complaints there.

I had a session this evening and I really couldn't say much. I'm really not feeling anything at all. I filed a police report this past Saturday, and ever since then my mind seems to have shut down. It wasn"t intentional. Just happened. It's been a week and a half since the event itself, and I guess I wonder if this is normal. My therapist asked about lost time, am I experiencing any trance episoldes, I just said that since I'm alone all day, I don't really know.

I sleep a lot, have pretty much no motivation to do anything. No appetite... that type of thing, but what bothers me most is the length of time that I'm really feeling nothing. Not angry, no anxiety, grief, violation - nothing at all. My therapist seemed to respond that I'm still numb from the experience. Is that possible at this point?

Can anyone help with this? Relate?

 

[Muttly]

I am really sorry that happened to you. Yes, I can relate, unfortunately. It is definitely possible, to my knowledge, to still be numb at this point. Your psyche is doing it's best to protect you. I know, I've worried before about getting stuck that way but the feelings do come. It really hasn't been that long and you had to go through the process of filing the police report which was probably hard.

I wish I had good advice, but I really don't except to keep talking to your therapist and here and reaching out for support.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I recently experienced a traumatic experience - already was diagnosed with PTSD 4 years ago.

As soon...

Yes, I can relate. There are things that some dangerous predators did to me that date back over 5 years. At that time I had no clue what was happening or what they did out of calculation. They would station themselves where they knew I would be located at any given time in order to hurt me. They would follow me and then attempt to harass me. These predators acted on the moment of surprise. At that time I was going through a difficult divorce, finally freeing myself from a monster. They used that time, literally when I was on my way to take care of financial matters with my ex to stand right in my way. I did not know that someone would actally stake out a part of the space that I had to use in order to communicate with my ex. When I was approaching the point of the financial meeting I noticed that there were people whom I knew briefly. I was unsure why these people literally stationed themselves in this location. As I attempted to make sense of the situation they acted as if I was unwanted in the location they were standing in, even though the reason of me being there had nothing to do with them. They created a scenario that confused and scared me, acting as if I had done something to make them mad or as if I had done something wrong. My being in that location only had to do with a meeting with my ex to clear financial matters. So they actually encroached on my space and attempted to somehow be located where they they knew I would be. I was flustered, not understanding why someone would show up unexpectantly and be cross at me like that. To top it off they then created an entire fictional scenario around the situation while I had no clue why they were there. They used this surprise mental attack to humiliate and hurt an innocent victim, someone they were in charge of protecting. Iam assuming it was easier for them to attempt to libel and slander the victim than to admit that they were unable to do their job correctly. They proceeded to make up an entirely different scenario which attempted to link me as someone who was looking for money and attention. But my being there only had to do with meeting my ex. I had no idea these predators staked out my location beforehand. Since then they have used the past five years to have their friends do the exact same thing to me. They are stalking me, find out my location beforehand. Upon my arrival they suddenly appear, harass me, and later on make sure to attach these harassments of me to completely made up situations that are concocted to make me look as a desperate person.
I have accomplished more with my PTSD than they have accomplished in their life time. They have all chosen the wrong path, got mixed with prostitution and drugs. To this day they get in my way to prove one ridicolous lie after another. And they force themselves into my physical path to make up false scenarios that would show me to be a person that lies and is needy.

When my anger at them spills out they launch cruel mental attacks at me.
So you will be numb first, but expect your anger to show when you realize that someone intentionally violated you just to feel good about themselves.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

@Muttly thanks. It was difficult to file the report as well. That sort of put down on paper that it officially happened.

So being in a dissociative state as far as my mind goes makes sense then. I wondered if this was something I consciously need to try to break out of.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think it's quite normal. Numbness can last an extended period of time. Some people are numb for years!

 

[Friday]

I think your therapist probably knows you best.

Generally, is it still possible to be numb weeks later? Yes. And much longer, to be honest.

Personally:
- Is that always a bad thing? Nope. There have been times where the system just worked. All nice an protective when I needed it, I took care of myself during it, and then later? It has never really haunted. Feelings returned, but I wasn't gutted over it, didn't need to lock shit away in order to cope, and moved past it fairly quickly without side effects.

- There are also some things which just didn't reach my personal level of big-f*cking-deal. Were they f*cked up? Yes. Did I care? No. Not really. Was I numb/disassociating/denial/etc.? Also, no. Were they completely without effect in my life? Depended.

- Does that mean that it was always a good thing, or that I wasn't numb, but actually didn't care? Ha. Not hardly. I've been numb for XYZ time, and completely fallen apart at the end, or completely f*cked up my life, during. I've also been numb but cared -or bee affected- deeply... I just couldn't tell because I was seriously distanced-numb-disassociating-busy. So I didn't do any of the things I should have been doing to help myself through it, and everything was made far worse at the end of it. Shrug. ;) That's part of why I've learned some tricks to take care of myself -as if- it's a big deal, even when I'm not really sure it is / that's warranted. Worst case scenario, I've overreacted and am babying myself. Oh darn. What a horrible worst case! LOL. Meanwhile the Best case scenario, one more thing that doesn't tend to haunt. Totally. Worth. It.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

@Friday So you really think that being numb or dissociated from your emotions during a really hard time is a good thing then. Can I ask what type of things do you do to just take care of yourself when you're aware of it? What happens when it either wears off or breaks? Does the emotion run you off the road or it just dissipates? That's sort of what I'm afraid of. I think there's a ton in there and my mind is just in protective mode.

I'm not sorry at all that I'm not feeling anything. I don't want to feel anything. I just wondered if it's normal to feel this way. @EveHarrington you really think that staying like this for any period of time is fine? or just happens?

My therapist does know me well and isn't really doing anything to break through. At least not right now. I'm by nature a very creative person, so he's just saying to go back to art/painting whatever. He says that dissociating for a time is fine but it will only last for so long. Eventually I'm going to have deal with things. It's a coping tool that just happens sometimes for some people.

 

[IamFree]

What I think is good for you that you already have the awareness of this and your already in a position to deal with it. I was numb for most of my life I had no idea what ptsd was I just thought I was mad . its true some people will spend there whole life this way and not even know it.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

What I think is good for you that you already have the awareness of this and your already in a position to deal with it

I guess so. It probably is a temporary thing - I do like the break though - but God help me when it lets go!

 

[IamFree]

yes I am going through emotional healing right now..there all coming up..I think of it as being like vomiting it feels rotten at the time but it feels so much better afterwards.

 

[Muttly]

Being numb can be a good thing. It can allow you to function, get distance from the event, and process parts of it without that overwhelming jumble of emotions. It can allow you to create a framework so when the emotions do come, you'll have supports to better cope with them.

I guess so. It probably is a temporary thing - I do like the break though - but God help me when it lets go!

Yeah, :( You have us here though. And you can be talking to your T about how to deal when the emotions do come. I've found that really helpful. I have gone through what if scenarios with her. What if it's in the middle of the night and the dam breaks lose and it's so bad I'm suicidal, what will I do? What if I never feel anything again? Going through those what ifs gave me more tools to cope.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Being numb can be a good thing. It can allow you to function, get distance from the event

Yes, you're right. I guess when I'm numb, I can be a little more functional.

And you can be talking to your T about how to deal when the emotions do come

True. He'll remind me of past explosions - or vomiting attacks (lol). I'm not new to high anxiety and emotional hell, just this unintentional numbness. This is new.