No memories of trauma -how normal?

[Bluerainbow]

So I know people can have memory gaps and this is typical especially in childhood trauma but I have absolutely no evidence or indication as to why I feel like I have experienced CSA but I just do. I get triggered by hearing details of this from others, can't say or read certain words, struggle with physical intimacy and I disociate a lot. I don't remember anything from my childhood before maybe 12 years old and memory even after that is blurry.

I am in therapy to work on the dissociation and trauma but wanted to know if anyone else also has this experience of no information or evidence at all of their trauma but somehow still feel it happened.

 

[beaneeboo]

Hi @bluerainbow, I don't think you're alone with this, but perhaps it's less common...

I don't have exactly this experience but maybe something similar. I was diagnosed with DDNOS a few years back and really struggled with dissociation in different ways, including experiencing wildly different thoughts/ feelings/ perspectives about myself and others around me... I've always questioned my diagnosis because I've never thought any of my traumas that I do remember are bad enough... I do have COCSA and I was brought up in 2 different households because of divorced parents - 1 where I felt safe and 1 where I didn't... The memories I have of my dad openly include covert SA but memories of anything else overt just aren't there or accessible if they are there ...

I've been learning about dissociation on the ctad clinic (YouTube- just Google it). Even though it's aimed at people with DID and other dissociative disordes, - I highly recommend this even if you aren't diagnosed. It's highly highly educational in an emphatic and relatable way and explains about.

One video I really appreciated watching was called 'Why am I dissociating now?' And in it he talks about people like me who don't have tangible memories they can access which explains their disorder... but that this does happen... and more importantly that therapy can still help even when you can't access the memories...

I think don't try to force remembering anything... stick with therapy you feel safe with and work on the current issues you're experiencing right now... I'm time if there's more to surface and work through once you feel stable enough, your body may start processing stuff... and it may not, but either way you can get on top of the dissociation...

I know what it's like to feel like you do now and it's horrible.. take good care of yourself and go gently

 

[arfie]

i dissociated all the way to "trauma induced amnesia." i'm a childhood prostitution survivor and i blocked memory of my entire childhood. during those years, the memories kept surfacing as epic, sleep deprivation levels of nightmares. when i finally started letting myself remember, the memories surfaced with an intensity approximately equal to the intensity of remembering a movie i watched as a child, heavily mixed with the nightmares, paranoia, etc., i experienced while repressing. decades later, i still don't fully trust my childhood memories, but am still following the lead of the therapist who told me, "we can't do any more than our honest best with the information available.

I think don't try to force remembering anything... stick with therapy you feel safe with and work on the current issues you're experiencing right now... I'm time if there's more to surface and work through once you feel stable enough, your body may start processing stuff... and it may not, but either way you can get on top of the dissociation...

i'll second this notion. when i try to force the remembering, the memories distort wildly. i figure accuracy doesn't count for anywhere near as much as getting on top of the dissociation.

 

[Sideways]

I have absolutely no evidence or indication as to why I feel like I have experienced CSA but I just do.

An inner ‘feeling’ that something incredibly awful has happened, without any memory of it, can be typical of extreme trauma.

But it can be an indication of other mental health issues as well (anxiety and mood disorders, but also some psychotic disorders). “I really feel like something terrible must have happened” is a very common symptom across a range of disorders. And even people without clinical levels of mental illness.

The important thing is always to treat the thing that is making your experience of life (here and now) distressing and dysfunctional. Focusing on that, rather than unknowns, can be a helpful way to approach healing, from whatever it is going on for you.

 

[Friday]

An inner ‘feeling’ that something incredibly awful has happened, without any memory of it, can be typical of extreme trauma.

But it can be an indication of other mental health issues as well (anxiety and mood disorders, but also some psychotic disorders). “I really feel like something terrible must have happened” is a very common symptom across a range of disorders. And even people without clinical levels of mental illness.

The important thing is always to treat the thing that is making your experience of life (here and now) distressing and dysfunctional. Focusing on that, rather than unknowns, can be a helpful way to approach healing, from whatever it is going on for you.

What they said. All of it.

 

[Savana]

So I know people can have memory gaps and this is typical especially in childhood trauma but I have absolutely no evidence or indication as to why I feel like I have experienced CSA but I just do. I get triggered by hearing details of this from others, can't say or read certain words, struggle with physical intimacy and I disociate a lot. I don't remember anything from my childhood before maybe 12 years old and memory even after that is blurry.

I am in therapy to work on the dissociation and trauma but wanted to know if anyone else also has this experience of no information or evidence at all of their trauma but somehow still feel it happened.

I have no memory of my childhood trauma incident, except I do know that a person in that trauma was wearing. That is the only thing I remember. dissociation is a natural way for the mind to protect oneself. My memory after this works in strange ways, so that I don't remember a lot of things. I am working on this.

 

[Being Restored]

I had no memory of a traumatic event when I was 21 for 25 years when the memories came back like a train rampaging through my life. Looking back I had PTSD symptoms and my dissociation increased massively from that age (already had it from childhood stuff), but at the time I didn't understand what was happening to me as I had no memory of what happened. Something triggered me at 25, and I started to recognise an urgent need in me to go through a similar trauma, apart from at the time I had no idea what was happening except I was going mad! My subconscious needed to process the trauma from 21, I just didn't know at the time. At 26 I re enacted the trauma I couldn't remember at 21, with life changing consequences. Finally had trauma therapy 3 years later for the re enactment but still no memory of the first trauma. Spent the next 2 decades dissociated and at times PTSD and anxiety...i now remember what happened when I was 21, my whole life since makes sense and I can finally process it with the right support.

The mind can do amazing things to protect itself!

 

[alphagoat]

Took me 48 years to get illumated. At first when it came out of me it was a amazing. Connections were made between memories that caused the hidden memories to surface. It was like a great weight had been lifted off me. However the realizations and implications of the ones who broke me put the weight back on. I now have memories that that go back to when I was a baby. My childhood was unlocked through fighting against my lifetime of trauma. Turns out the scapegoat was more lion.. Am at the point now that I've given up on any kind of redemption or apologies. That whole situation left me wanting to forget my childhood again. It was not easy... I hope your able to clear up your problem and move on to your next battle. Take care

 

[Peloponnese]

I felt the same way for much of my life. Did you have UTIs? Look into VCUG trauma, survivors of this procedure identify with this

 

[E.G.T]

So I know people can have memory gaps and this is typical especially in childhood trauma but I have absolutely no evidence or indication as to why I feel like I have experienced CSA but I just do. I get triggered by hearing details of this from others, can't say or read certain words, struggle with physical intimacy and I disociate a lot. I don't remember anything from my childhood before maybe 12 years old and memory even after that is blurry.

I am in therapy to work on the dissociation and trauma but wanted to know if anyone else also has this experience of no information or evidence at all of their trauma but somehow still feel it happened.

Each person has different levels of memory gaps or suppression of memories, but burying trauma is a normal survival response. The brain tries to protect you from experiencing the pain of remembering what happened. While I have many memories, they are not complete. I, too, get very triggered by certain details from other people's stories, and I don't know if it relates to my own, or if it just disturbs me.