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Deleted member 34561
But I see I've had no less than a hundred and one views. So let me get this straight. Over a hundred people read my personal truth and nobody bothered to reply? Do you not think what I'm saying is real then? Yes I know it reads like something out of an Irving Welsh novel but a million times worse. Well welcome to my wonderful f*cking world peeps. Yes I'm pissed off. I suppose you think I've lied about stuff exaggerated it been over dramatic or some such shit just to gain attention or sympathy or maybe you think I'm psychotic and I'm just making things up to suit my bandy feelings. Well I hate to break it to you folks but this is as real frightening scarey and painful as it gets. I'm absolutely not bullshitting any of you about any of it. I can imagine you thinking that this is worse than any film you've seen or any book you have read. That it can't be that bad. But I'm telling you no I'm PROMISING it really REALLY is that bad and I have absolutely nobody I can share this with that won't get me jailed put in a mental ward hurt or even killed for what I know about all this shit. This is real this is SERIOUS. I thought I was in the right place to discuss these horrors with people who had been through similar if not as extreme as this and that maybe in that case someone ANYONE could relate and maybe give me some sound advice as to how to proceed and how to deal with it or maybe just HEAR me and VALIDATE me and BELIEVE me. And offer some comfort maybe or a shot in the arm so to speak to give me the courage and strength to carry on. Perhaps I was wrong. Oh well looks like I'll just have to continue holding this crushing burden on my own then. Let's face it I've been doing that already for 48 f*cking years and nobody ever supported me with this in a REAL way all that time so why should I hope or expect it would be any different now? I'm just the same as all of you I have C-PTSD too you know. And I have it for a bloody good reason. Nearly half a century of abuse from more people than I can even count. I feel abused again now because nobody here is listening to me or even acknowledging me. Or at least it seems that way. Perhaps you're all shocked to the core that such evil sickness and depravity even exists in the world despite your own experiences. Or that I should be singled out or my kids as well for such a large dose of it. Why do I even feel the need to understand any of you when it seems to me I'm not getting the same understanding in return from any of you? I poured my very heart and soul into my post Depression... Malignant Sadness yesterday but who of any of you took notice enough of it to be bothered to even reply? I feel like I just wasted my time and emotions all over again on the wrong people and I was hoping for better. Are my expectations unrealistic? Am I too needy desperate insecure? Are these the wants and needs of a lost child crying in the night into the wind? Or those of a hurting scared adult with nobody in her corner whatsoever? You bloody well tell me because I'm not sure I know any more. I'm so upset. It seems wherever I go with the truth about my life I get turned away because that truth is so bloody horrible I'm horrible as a person just by association. Like it's my own fault these terrible things befell me and my poor kids. Well I know that's bloody crap but do you lot know it's crap too? Or are you lot cowardly and so wrapped up in your own stuff you don't believe anyone else could ever be worse off than you? Well you have just met someone who is. I'm leaving it there and I will wait to see if anyone on here is kind enough or compassionate enough or wise enough or brave enough or even honest enough to bloody well prove me wrong. I like being proved wrong because it adjusts my map of reality in my head to realistic proportions. I don't want to live in fear or paranoia anymore you see. But if none of you can be my rock or light house or port in a storm then I'll just go back to doing what I've always done. Carry this on my Jack Jones. And I won't hate any of you for it. We all have our own burdens to carry and our own limitations and our own doubts. I find though that when people doubt my truth it's because they are doubting their own truth. Why should that be MY problem? Just saying. My last word is this. Cooperation not competition. That is the only way human beings are going to survive thrive and heal. Which side are you on?