Nope, I Can't Handle My Life

[Chava]

First, I'm sick, so I'm exhausted (saw doctor and went home). I'm behind on everything. I'm mostly unnoticed by the world unless I'm disappointing people. I'm articulate and don't usually worry too much about my own ass so have been put in the position of speaking up for my department at work several times. Lately I've noticed they aren't even necessarily grateful or willing to have my back...but just load me with guilt trips if I don't continue to do their dirty work. If I need any sort of help or support, forget it. But naturally I'm supposed to defend everyone else.

I've canceled a couple plans in past week because I've been fighting to get rid of this bug. Did too much a couple days ago and woke up feeling worse yesterday. Nobody asks how I'm doing or if they can help. Over years, I've set myself up for this by not making good close friendships, so this isn't quite a pity party. That alone is probably bearable. But not on top of feeling like I'm also just making others angry or disappointing them by not feeling great all the time, not doing my job plus part of theirs, not sticking my neck out on their behalf. I can't handle my job plus guilt for other people's shit. I know I don't have to take it on. But it's that feeling of having zero support plus being shoved around by people at the same time....like being sick and then also being pushed over the edge. So I'm sick and exhausted but also panicky and my head is going to explode and it's hard to breathe. I don't know how I can even get better. I'm melting down probably but I don't want to bug my therapist because we're trying to sort out if insurance can even keep paying for my sessions. She's busy doing extra paperwork for me and I don't need to add to my guilt by feeling like an extra burden.

Anyway, having no support is nothing new. But a good friend moved away a couple years ago and I didn't realize how poorly I'd cope in times like this when I am suffering and totally alone and also feel like I just disappoint people by not living up to their sickening expectations. I also set this up by offering to do too much in years past, but those are the relationships I'm caught in and it hurts to realize they really are worth nothing more. I feel really used. Anyway, there has rarely been anyone to cheer me up, tell me I'm doing fine, not to worry, that I'm doing good, I'll be okay, bla bla bla. None of those voices have ever really existed but I somehow get surrounded by the ones that, if they say anything, point out what I'm not doing or that I'm not doing enough. I was asked to speak to my boss about a department issue that doesn't even effect me (NO, I'm not department chair). I stood up for myself by saying I wouldn't do this alone. But that tends to piss off the wimps in my department. So again, I've only been used. Changing boundaries is very challenging and I feel worse for it in many ways, not stronger. I've failed at fitting into the human world in a way that feels tolerable or personally sustainable.

I want to die because I don't know how to get strong enough alone anymore just to get back to the point of not disappointing people. There is no love in my life and I hate to sound pathetic but I will die from this (it's also a really old pattern). I don't know how to fix this. I'm extremely tired.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Chava))):hug:
I am SO SORRY THAT PEOPLE WHO YOU HELP, don't return the favor, and are caught up in their own stuff, ignoring you, or even noticing that you are o overload. They may see it, but are too lazy or self-centered to take responsibility for their work.

I HAVE been there, and only after I left, did people speak up about how much they needed me. I told them they should have backed me up when I needed it.

Being sick intensifies all those feelings. and I wish words could help. You really need rest and relaxation, and to get fresh air and sunshine if available.

You are not alone! There are many of us here who have felt the way you feel, and it can and will pass. Hopefully, your sickness will pass, and lift some of the darkness.

Blessings and good thoughts being sent your way.

Come here and reach out to others....we are here!

AKJ:hug:

 

[asldjfasldjf]

My heart goes out to you :hug::hug::hug:

I know what it's like to feel you're only noticed when you disappoint. It's terrible to be struggling so greatly and for no one to notice or offer some assistance.

As you know, I've dealt with chronic illness for most of my life so far, and I know how hard it is to try and work at the same time. Honestly, I've had jobs where I missed so much work I'm amazed I didn't get fired. You're working so hard to do what others still see as inadequate. Your best isn't enough to them. That sucks :depressed:

The isolation also sucks. I'm not in touch with any friends right now and I haven't had many friendships over the years. Being sick makes it all but impossible. It's not your fault. The psychiatric community often makes it seem like a lack of support is the fault of the patient, but if you're coming from a traumatized family and you're mentally and/or physically ill, you can't rely on your family and it's all but impossible to form new relationships.

I know what it's like to feel like you're not doing enough, like you're not enough, to always wonder whether you're really "doing your best." I guarantee that you are.

Best wishes.

 

[cindymolly]

Hey Chava, I'm thinking of you, so sorry you're having a bad time. There are people out there who you can make equal friendships with, it's just not usually easy to find them especially when we're really down, but they are there. Sending hugs if you want them. It's rubbish being ill physically on top of this, I hope you get well soon.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I'm really sorry you're in this much pain and that people are treating you so poorly. There is no easy fix for this situation, but I promise you that there still some good people out there. And once they get to know you, they will love you for the beautiful person you really are.

Sending you love and hugs if that's okay. Don't ever forget that you matter. :hug:

 

[garden]

I'm sorry Chava. When I read something like this I just wish I could reach out and take it away. It's the worst feeling, when you know that no one has your back, even though a lot of us are so familiar with that feeling, it's a familiar dread that I could not wish upon anyone.

Sending calm, peace, and loving vibrations out to you.

 

[mzander]

If people do not know how much you have done, if they do not notice the extra mile that you go. If you always feel like you have to point it out, because your efforts go unnoticed and people only notice when something is not done by you. If they never acknowledge what you do get done. This little ignorance can make you question your value and feel unappreciated.
But all of this can be changed - you have to point out your accomplishments or actions

and ... sometimes, you have to accept that you will never be appreciated by a person and move forward in your life, in your case maybe looking for a new job where you will fit and feel more comfortable and appreciated from the beginning without the need of accomplishing something.

Live everyday like a new beginning ... find the day you perfectly fit in and live like that....

 

[Chava]

Thanks for all the kind words!!! My body is less rattled. Hoping muscle relaxants help take off the rest of the edge and let me rest. Lots of pain too. Horrible meltdown drowning feelings of never being able to get my head above water long enough to work on positive connections or work on creating and storing up "good" feelings. I'm very conscious of this but it feels like my body is stuck in a downward spiral. It's more bad feelings than I can handle and always alone. I want to knock myself out. Why the f*ck am I still here, just feeling horrible and disappointing people?

But all of this can be changed - you have to point out your accomplishments or actions

I guess it's not so much about my accomplishments but the role I've taken on many times, or how I end up doing other people's dirty work. Example: we all agree on some concern or action but NOBODY wants to talk to the boss for fear it will damage their own standing, so I do it, because I'm speaking for everyone or some work situation, not personal stuff. I don't see it as a big deal and don't feel threatened because my boss knows I'm good at what I do. But I'm tired of all of this. I ask for any help or back up and everyone totally lacks backbone. And I'm feeling like I'm meaningless beyond this because if I don't "fix" their shit for them, a couple of them are actually making me feel guilty. I have no special position or authority. I've just said "yes" too many times and have realized in recent years that doing anything alone is almost useless. Even if I'm speaking for a majority, that majority needs to show up. A former boss really did hate me, even though I was advocating for others, like not hacking entire positions based on wrong information...he felt threatened and looked for meaningless ways to knock me down.

Being sick intensifies all those feelings

So true. My meltdowns are horrid. I'm managing on some delicate balance of meds, knowing I can go to ER, and knowing I have tomorrow off and can crawl into a dark cave and hide. Thanks for the support.

The isolation also sucks. I'm not in touch with any friends right now and I haven't had many friendships over the years. Being sick makes it all but impossible. It's not your fault. The psychiatric community often makes it seem like a lack of support is the fault of the patient, but if you're coming from a traumatized family and you're mentally and/or physically ill, you can't rely on your family and it's all but impossible to form new relationships.

Thank you very much for that validation. I don't need a cop out because I WANT to figure out how to create better relationships. I feel like I'm missing important parts and when under stress like this (too often) it all becomes nearly impossible. i'm not likable at all.

There are people out there who you can make equal friendships with, it's just not usually easy to find them especially when we're really down

Thank you. Yes, I just need to get my head above water so I feel like I can work on relationships. It just isn't happening this year.

I promise you that there still some good people out there.

Thank you. I know that. I just don't believe I work with them. I work with people who have some good qualities, some talent, but are inherently selfish and looking to cover their own asses at all costs.

I don't have close friends. I've totally f*cked up in that department. Overworking, distracting myself, moving into the middle of nowhere....every way I can sabotage relationships...

It's the worst feeling, when you know that no one has your back

Exactly. I want to just die. What's the f*cking point. It's so exhausting.

 

[Chava]

p.s. I did e-mail my therapist and now I think OMG why would she even do the paperwork to keep working with me. I'm like a virus.

I feel like all the good has leaked out slowly over the years and I'm empty. I used to be so inspired. I didn't need people to feel okay. I had my own sort of bubble and interacted better through it, though superficially. Now I feel empty everywhere. Just too much pain, not enough of the right muscles to pull out of my f*cking hole or whatever.

Thanks for even reading my vomit today. You guys are amazing.

 

[garden]

Sounds familiar Chava. I think you may be entering a new phase, and the old tricks are not going to work in this phase...

It's like we gotta strengthen new muscles for the next phase of battle. I feel like with ptsd there are stages.

 

[Chava]

@Lewa I don't have any new muscles. I feel like my body is actually eating itself alive, like I'm in some exhausted survival mode and running out of steam. I want to just move and start over where people don't have any expectations of me. I feel like it's the only way I can start over, but since I can't afford it right now I'm trying to imagine "starting over" where I am at. A couple people feel like they are still friends through my added pain and pulling back from things....like they don't care about what sort of work I can do for them. But I'm really not close with anyone. I simultaneously feel very alone and also like I can't stand people when I'm under stress. I think this is something I can work on in therapy but also keep thinking my therapist will give up on me. I feel f*cking impossible today.

Good if I can have boundaries and shed some over-achieving external version of myself, but it feels like there is nothing left and nobody likes this version of myself. That's the big issue I guess.

 

[falling_wave]

Feel better @Chava! Thinking of you!