Not Being Sucked In Anymore

[IamFree]

Hey guys would appreciate some input got a lot of processing to do had to make a tough decision last night. This past few months I had been trying to rekindle a relationship with my sister but I have had to put the boundary back up again because I could see myself getting retraumatised again.

The problem is is that she has always lived her life going from one drama to the next she was only getting in touch to speak of something bad happening...and how she was doing it was messing with my mind rather than just phoning me and telling me what the issue was she would just call me or message me to say something terrible has happened I will call you later ..or something crazy has happened do you want to know about it...its never about solving problems its always about getting sucked into her world and being dragged down and its endless because there is always going to be the next time around so it seems.

Usually my role would be to engage with it and get drawn in and get concerned with the drama...and just get disturbed and crazy because there is nothing I can say or do...last night it happened again...I told her I am not interested anymore..its seems though when I make a hard decision I need so much reassurance that I have done the right thing.

 

[shimmerz]

What were your other options?

 

[gealach]

It's really hard to set boundaries, especially with family. Big truckload of reassurance coming your way, it sounds like you did the right thing. Drama isn't healthy for anyone, it's especially unhealthy for those with ptsd.

:)

 

[IamFree]

What were your other options?

Thank you for asking good point here is a list.

option one which is something I tried to do but she did not listen(my family are extremely boundary challenged), I said to her if you have problems to talk about just spit it out rather than making a game out it by telling me a bad thing has happened but withholding the details leaving me stewing in worry.

Option two I could have said dont ever talk to me about bad things lets only ever talk about nice pink fluffy stuff...we never would have talked again because there is no nice pink fluffy stuff in my family.

Option three just carried on playing the same role of rescuer , and risk my health and career...I actually nearly phone in work sick last week when i received a text last week saying...oh something crazy has happened it is going to do you head in. I felt like I was in hell.

 

[IamFree]

It's really hard to set boundaries, especially with family. Big truckload of reassurance coming your...

thank you I can honestly say it is the hardest thing i have ever had to do. I am feeling a terrible greif today I keep on bursting out crying. I feel like someone who has been trying to save someone from drowning but had to decide to let them go because i understood i was about to go under to. I am not ashamed to say anymore I just was not strong enough..I am the baby the youngest in the family..if anything i needed them to rescue me.
We live in different citys to I chose to make a new life somewere else...i can not physically live in one place and another mentally...I feel terrible pain for my sister i know she is in hell but its like she did not want me to help her out of it it felt like she wanted me to join her there.

 

[shimmerz]

it it felt like she wanted me to join her there.

Yeah, and this is a big red flag.

I think the idea of 'helping' is more like 'supporting'. For instance, if she needs to get to counseling (which would be her decision) and didn't have a drive then you could offer your support in that way. My thought on support is that the person needing the support makes the first move to get help for themselves and is asking (not demending) someone to provide positive enforcement or actions to aid in their getting help.

Then, of course, there could always be a night out where one could define that there is no talk about 'issues' but instead maybe going to a movie and perhaps stopping for coffee after the movie to discuss the movie (something like that) - but I think what I am suggesting is that whatever it is is completely focused on being outside of the dysfunction.

 

[IamFree]

helpful points..I have identified that one of the causes of these endless dramas is learned helplessness in the family..a mentality of just letting things happen and not learning from the mistakes and dwelling on how awful it is...I need to learn more about tough love..meaning I will let you put your arm round my shoulder but I will not let you drag me down by my arms.

 

[IamFree]

just to add my buzz word right now is..dealing with problems

 

[shimmerz]

tough love

I don't know why but I have always hated the term tough love. To me, it means engagement still. And that gets messy too. Because then you become the 'persecutor'. Who needs that?

I prefer detached love. It sits entirely outside of the drama triangle.

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

Not sure if that helps at all. Just a thought.

 

[IamFree]

I don't know why but I have always hated the term tough love. To me, it means engagement still. And...

yes indeed the worlds a better place when were using kinder language for are selfs and others

 

[IamFree]

Thank you for all your support i would have gone completly insane this past few days without it. Its been a painful decsion but i am feeling stronger in my resolve today. What makes me the saddest is that i never told my sister she could not phone me and talk about problems alls I asked for (twice) is that she does not play games and mess with my mind and she is a very intelligent person. My whole life in my family any efforts I have made to set boundaries and assert and empower my self have always been met with ridicule punishment and plain refusal. it always feels like some sort of power struggle. I am guessing this is something to do with the roles and the status quo some dysfunctional familys enforce. I have finally realised were there are repeated boundary violations there has to be consequences.