Not coping and triggered

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm scared.
Few awful things made my already shaky situation worse. Also had few small triggers on top.
And now it's like I'm free falling and I can't stop.

I'm in freeze response I think. I keep being in autopilot and knowing whatever I do won't be enough. But then being so triggered I can't move. I'm seeing myself plan to do more and then being unable to function on basic level. Until a week ago I was pushing forward even knowing improvement of my situation will take a long time

Now I can't sleep, I get nauseous, I'm shaking, I spiral in overdoing 1 activity in order to not think of anything else needed...

I know what is right but I still can't allow myself to think of certain things like if will obliterate me.
Today I got stress hives and I'm now hiding under a blanket in my couch/bed. I need to work as much as possible but I feel so weak and neauseous I'm overthinking canceling teaching tomorrow. Also overthinking other stupid solutions I haven't in a while.

I'm scared.
I know all this seems sill and ridiculous but this is how it starts when I spiral into dark thoughts.

 

[Midnightmoon]

Ah lovely, this is what my old T would call the 'oh shit dip'. (Not a technical term....) You've been doing incredibly well and every so often life likes to chuck things at us and it feels like you're back at square one.

I promise you're not, look at your updates over the last few weeks, look at all that progress. Today is a rubbish day, it's not all gone wrong forever. Back to basics, basic self care, good, movement, rest, etc etc. One step at a time

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Ah lovely, this is what my old T would call the 'oh shit dip'. (Not a technical term....) You've been doing incredibly well and every so often life likes to chuck things at us and it feels like you're back at square one.

I promise you're not, look at your updates over the last few weeks, look at all that progress. Today is a rubbish day, it's not all gone wrong forever. Back to basics, basic self care, good, movement, rest, etc etc. One step at a time

Actually this feeling had been growing for few days, it's why I'm scared.
But you're right about basic and self care, I'll try.

I don't think I can really do anything else anyway, haven't been able to get up for like an hour.
Please, I really need you to be right about this, I'm so low.

 

[Midnightmoon]

Actually this feeling had been growing for few days, it's why I'm scared.
But you're right about basic and self care, I'll try.

I don't think I can really do anything else anyway, haven't been able to get up for like an hour.
Please, I really need you to be right about this, I'm so low.

Do you think it's linked to the growth, like a panic about going forwards, cause thats damn scary, or maybe about that you have burnt out a bit? Either way, I'm 100% sure that no feeling, emotion or situation is permanent even if it feels absolutely horrendous whilst you are going through it .

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Do you think it's linked to the growth, like a panic about going forwards, cause thats damn scary, or maybe about that you have burnt out a bit? Either way, I'm 100% sure that no feeling, emotion or situation is permanent even if it feels absolutely horrendous whilst you are going through it .

I think I'm too exhausted to even think about it.
Mostly burnout with a bunch of sudden circumstances on top.

But some of it makes me scared if my improvement thus far wasn't just wishful thinking with the reality of the gravity of things hitting now.
I hope that's just the fear twisting things. I just don't know how to keep moving forward.
But I want to.

Thank you for the lovely comments, I'm seriously praying you're right.

 

[Defaultxlove]

Hi I love what @Midnightmoon shared

im just here to show support.

did you stretch yet? idk how many times I started crying during stretches or exrcise

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Hi I love what @Midnightmoon shared

im just here to show support.

did you stretch yet? idk how many times I started crying during stretches or exrcise

I'm scared if I cry I won't stop. I've been trying to relax but it's giving me a migraine.
I've been trying to get back on track and plan for a future and it's giving me terrible flashbacks to trying to work and failing this summer.

Also part of improving my finances is being honest about any delays if there are such and angry people, which should be fair, is triggering me into freeze mode, like I can't breathe.

I know I'm all disregulated but I have no idea what to do.

For now I'm just trying to be ok with teaching tomorrow. But I'm running out of time too. I need to be back in productive state by the time I finish teaching. The only way to get out if this is somehow getting enough side work, which means being productive and strong, not... this.

 

[arfie]

I know all this seems sill and ridiculous but this is how it starts when I spiral into dark thoughts.

in my own recovery, giving myself the freedom to investigate takes the "seems" right out of that fear. "fear does not exist to make you afraid. it exists to warn you of danger." ~zen proverb. taking the effort to investigate heads off the dark thoughts more than trembling in fear of the unknown.

But some of it makes me scared if my improvement thus far wasn't just wishful thinking with the reality of the gravity of things hitting now.
I hope that's just the fear twisting things. I just don't know how to keep moving forward.

that fear is the very fear which keeps me maintaining my therapy network. usually sharing the fear withing that therapy network, much as you did with this very post, helps me to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I'm scared if I cry I won't stop. I've been trying to relax but

once i got past my fear of vulnerability, crying came to be the best sedative this beaten crazy bitch wolf has found yet. i have come to think of crying as a shower for the soul. just the dirt and grime of daily life is enough to make me feel like i need a shower. shower often. shower freely. this kind of shower is even more cleansing when shared with a friend. may i never stop.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@arfie much appreciated response.

To be clear I have cried a lot in the last years and it has been transformative outlet. But at my current space my parents take it as "what do you have to cry about, if you knew how we have suffered" type of thing. Basically I end up have to fight about, or feel guilty about, crying. So I only do so in shower, so I limit myself. And currently it feels like one of those deep crying moments that hurt your chest and I can't- Don't have the space to do so.

Writing here makes me feel like I didn't make up my progress, possibly.

But also I feel a bit stuck. I tried to rationalise and organize that chaos the last few days and... it didn't really work. Truth is I think something triggered me badly Tuesday and my coping since then was not... Just, it didn't really stop me from spiraling. And then several things of course added flame to fire, like the terrible pull out couch I'm sleeping on literally breaking and currently having to sleep on it as a couch. And know I have caused that, it's not my couch, but really I can't do anything about it for now. Nothing helped and it reached it's peak today to a point where I can't be nice and act the way it pleases my parents right now because I'm not OK. And to teach in thd morning I think I'll have to put all that aside and relax and go to bed super early. And after I teach my class tomorrow it's action time.

I Don't know what to do but I know, I can't do the same.

When I get stress rash it's usually pretty clear sign from my body, and I haven't had one since October.

I just need things to just be normal bad again, normal bad I can handle, I have been handling for months. And since that trigger it's like having 0 capacity again. I need to sleep. And reorient. I need hope. I need to feel like I can take control of my life again.

 

[arfie]

quiet corners in green spaces are my go-to spots for crying under prohibitive circumstances. even my roughest urban spaces have green spots available. so what if a passing stranger sees me? only angels stop to investigate a crying stranger. bath/restrooms are my second choice.

I just need things to just be normal bad again, normal bad I can handle.

it's not mine to sort, but? ? ? dare i hope you might set your goals a bit higher? normal bad sound nasty to me. hope healing happens here. just hoping.