Childhood Not so bad after all

[Sandstone]

Today I remembered an event, when I was about nine.
I bought an ice cream from a van, but as I crossed the road it fell off the cone. I returned the van, with my empty cone, explained the mishap, and was shocked that the ice cream man did not give me another.
I had confidently expected that the adult world would come to my rescue, and treat me more than fairly.

Looking at that expectation suggests to me that, far from being the deprived and mistreated child I like to portray, I was actually spoiled and pampered. Perhaps all my "problems" stem from excessive expectations of what the world should offer me. As the only child in a household of four adults, I was given my own way rather too much. It may be that my "illness" now is a way to continue to get my way, which seems mainly to consist of doing nothing while others wait on me.

 

[Muttly]

Ummm... no, all that memory proves is you were a child and had child thought patterns. Generalizing that one interaction/memory to all experiences you had as a child is faulty thinking. Even if you were given your way too often, that doesn't mean their was no abuse. Abusers can be "generous" in some ways and abusers in others.

It's one of the things that bothers me about how child abuse is commonly portrayed. It's portrayed as the abuser is this out of control person who does horrible things and is always cruel and angry. Many, many, many children who experience abuse, also experience positive interactions with their abuser. That's what makes it such a powerfully painful and confusing thing.

 

[grit]

Maybe you know your life better than me but I will tell you a little story I read one time.
A man went to therapy for narcissistic personality disorder. He was in his 20s, educated, no worries except of course relationships and other issues like depression etc.
His history noted that both of parents were psychoanalytic professional who took extra steps to ensure their little great boy did not turn out like their clients (I am paraphrasing their view with a snide here). The man was shown a lot of empathy and cared for and all his needs were met so the question was how did he end up narcissistic personality and in the therapy room in his 20s (assuming he left home not so long ago so in essence, life has not got hold of him to teach him a valuable lesson).

Well his treatment was successful and some of the issues that came up was this: he never learned how to be empathetic because every single time something happened, mom and dad took care of it. So he was never given enough frustration to learn anything.

Now, I really do not have enough to comment but if you are feeling too spoiled and that is your disease, you could be right. But still it means, your parents over protect you and now life is teaching you a valuable lesson. and I truly hope you can find what your authentic self is that was thwarted by your parents and brought you to the PTSD site.

 

[Friday]

Looking at that expectation suggests to me that, far from being the deprived and mistreated child I like to portray, I was actually spoiled and pampered.

One of the reasons my son’s abuse by his father so completely devastated him was that he came from a background of all of the other adults in his life being fair and reasonable people, with his best interests at heart.

It’s not like he wasn’t abused, because only 1 person in his life abused him. Or that he wasn’t abused, because the abuse didn’t start until he was 9. Or that is was his fault he was abused, or so devastated by it, because he dared have normal expectations.

It’s also not spoiled & pampered to expect fair treatment. It’s NORMAL. It’s baseline. It actually suggests an abuse history in your life far more strongly that you see a normal expectation AS obscene than the reverse.

You’ve known me on the boards a long time, now. You know if I see something as relatively normal, rather than abusive? I’ll say so. Or if there is a question about whether something was normal or abusive? I’ll ask. I don’t jump on the bandwagon with everything unhappy equals evil. There are hard parts of life that are simply that, and part of living.

There are a lot of waving red flags in what you write. Oftentimes, especially, in what you think -like the above- is proof there is no abuse. You’re not conning me, here, presenting the poor little match girl that I’m buying hook line and sinker. :p I’m concerned, because I’m concerned, not because you’re making me concerned.

I see you fighting, and fighting hard, to be okay. That’s a GOOD thing. Better, IMO, to fight in the present (I’m fine because I am working hard to be fine, or I may not be fine right now, but I will be) rather than trying to change the past (I’m fine because it never happened)... but, TBH, either way is still showing a fighting spirit that hasn’t given up.

 

[Sandstone]

I took this to therapy today. I'd been in two minds about raising it, but it came in quite naturally, when she thanked me for making the effort to get there every week when things are so rocky, and that made me feel I must be a fraud.

It seemed to surprise and confuse my therapist somewhat. She agreed that based on what I'd told her she had formed an impression of my parents as cold and harsh, and she agreed that this event didn't seem to fit with that idea.

She reminded me that my sibling chose not to have children out of the fear of repeating our upbringing. But that just raises the opposite point - that I did have children and they tell me I was OK as a parent. Where did I learn that?

I'm left puzzled by my motivation. Am I saying "it's all my fault" as a way to maintain control? Or is my mind unable to assent to the overly negative view of my parents that my T is pushing? Am I simply recognising that things are grey, not black and white? or is some sort of double manipulation to persuade people to pander to me?

 

[grit]

She reminded me that my sibling chose not to have children out of the fear of repeating our upbringing. But that just raises the opposite point - that I did have children and they tell me I was OK as a parent. Where did I learn that?

Personally, I was also abused and should ended up having reactive attachment but thank goodness I ended up somewhere along avoidance spectrum...how did I learn to have a great marriage better than my parents because parents cannot destroy a human spirit. They can try or do it inadvertently but they cannot destroy you. so you can be good and come from bad family. It is not a sum zero game. You are somewhat your background but not 100%. Life gave other choices to learn how to be a better parent than you parents.

Am I simply recognising that things are grey, not black and white?

To me and I could be wrong, what you are doing is not going to grey bot swing to the far end - opposite of what brought you the therapy in The first place.
I think maybe you are having empahty and understanding for your parents based on processing your childhood and being a parent yourself and you are like wow! it was hard no wonder I was so unhappy and neglected and wow my parents were trying their best but still failed just like I try my best but still my kids are their own people with their own personal journey. so you can go the compassionate way or you can go the denial and extreme over intellectualize and that will only last until next hit of reality of life.

I think this is my first successful quote in this website!

I am a slow learner.


IMHO, I think you are waking up maybe too fast or maybe this therapist is not slowing you down to digest your insights to more meaningful and lasting way but I feel be gentle to the kid in you. That kid survived what she thought was insurmountable and now you, the adult, built a good life and should have a lot of love for your inner child or your childhood memories. It is OK to love your parents and also know they really hurt you and set you back a bit in their job. You can have both feeling and that would be grey area and more plausible than NO! nothing happened but yet be confused about it.

that made me feel I must be a fraud

Feeling fraud is classic childhood abuse feeling but it is also sort of feelings one feels when waking up or very close to waking up from trauma - it is like no way this could have happened? What? NO Way! but guess what before you went to therapy there was something and now the only thing that changed is your perception of you today and now. Now you are seeing this as an adult not as a child. Like that ice-cream story, it is not big deal if this happens to an adult but a child, it was big deal because you were disappointed and that incident got stuck in your mind! why is that? it was not good feeling but now you process it or passed certain threshold, you see it as not big deal - this minimizing of that kid's feelings is also another classic not so good childhood experience.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Sandstone,

I also have big gaps in my memory post a fair amount of ones I do have for the pre 6 period. All that comes to mind is not to get too caught up on one memory. You know nothing of context or many other things. Innocently expecting good from others can even come with a certain mindset. Childs mind whatever the real age.

The thing that often helps the most with my parental stuff is to take one present day incident and look at it objectively. Could never do that without someone elses help unfortunately. People don't change hugely. For now its maybe just good something came forward? Many people parent well without having experienced good parenting. There is also often some good at least and sometimes people can take that and leave the rest behind.

Totally relate to how my brain uses all ammunition to attack me for my fakeness etc etc.

 

[scout86]

I had confidently expected that the adult world would come to my rescue, and treat me more than fairly.

At least you expected a certain kind of fairness in that situation. My mother was a fairly difficult person, at least where I was concerned. But she had a very precise concept of "fair". It wasn't always the same as MY concept of "fair" mind you, but it existed and I knew what it was.

I find it totally believable that parents who were usually distant and cold might also think a 9 YO who dropped her ice cream should get a replacement. (Not what my mom would have done, BTW, but my dad would have.)

I'm with @Abstract don't make too much of this one incident.

 

[Neverthesame]

that I did have children and they tell me I was OK as a parent. Where did I learn that?

I would guess from thinking back on how bad the abuse made you feel, combined with the acquired knowledge as an adult of what a child needs and what they don't.
You already know what not to do. Anything done different is probably going to be an improvement from how you were raised.
Every parent learns from trial and error how to raise their kids, abused or not. Nobody is just automatically a perfect parent. Each child is different. A good parent has to learn what their specific needs are, and try to fulfil them as best they can.
Is it easier for someone who comes from a healthy home to be a good parent? I'd say that's entirely possible. But it's definitely not a requirement.

I had confidently expected that the adult world would come to my rescue, and treat me more than fairly.

Sure. That's how alot of people are with kids, especially kids that aren't theirs.
Maybe you expected that adult to treat you fairly. If it was one of your parents in the ice cream truck, would you still have been surprised when they said no to replacing the cone?

 

[shimmerz]

As the only child in a household of four adults, I was given my own way rather too much. It may be that my "illness" now is a way to continue to get my way, which seems mainly to consist of doing nothing while others wait on me.

I know a 4 year old child right now that is given everything they want. Like everything. Except what they need. Which is security in the fact that they are loved. Which really is what a parent's job is. She is also accused of not being grateful for all the things she has when she reacts to being told to behave properly.

Being a child in a house of adults can be a very lonely thing. And the expectations are so high.

I think that abuse in a family is a dynamic and not an event. I think you may be trying to take the blame here though. I wonder if you are trying to protect someone here? Just curious. It's not the responsibility of a child (especially at 9 years old) when they have expectations that exceed societal norms. Our job as parents are to help them recognize the structure in which they live. Lovingly. Which isn't easy. I think allowing yourself off the hook with this one with the help of your therapist will do you a world of good in the end. Best of luck navigating there @Sandstone!