Not Suicidal So What Happened?

[kimba]

I am not suicidal, have no plans to commit suicide yet I went to our boardwalk along the river this morning which i never do, to look at the river and walk. I admit I did contemplate at this time about jumping but figured it wasn't worth it because it looked rather shallow and rocky. Not planned.

I was standing close to the rail when something deep down inside me pushed me back from the railing. I realised then i must have been going to do it and self-preservation kicked in. The problem is I am not feeling anything these days so how can I be suicidal and not know it? I am not even worried about this happening- just confused. Can anyone help explain?

 

[intothelight]

Hi Kimba,

I have had those random thoughts jump into my head too. It is an impulse that seems to come out of the blue, but many times after looking back, I could see something that precipitated them. Numbness can mask a lot.

Debbie

 

[Tinyflame]

I think it can come from denying how you feel, you try not to think of it and don't think you are and most of all don't know you are (in my case) and then all of a sudden it's there, because of the trigger/ ~'opportunity' presenting itself, I think.

 

[Ruth]

I am not suicidal, have no plans to commit suicide yet I went to our boardwalk along the river this morning which i never do, to look at the river and walk. I admit I did contemplate at this time about jumping but figured it wasn't worth it because it looked rather shallow and rocky. Not planned.

Dear Kimba, I relate. I have had fleeting thoughts like that as well and I honestly feel that I am not depressed or suicidal. I am detached from my emotions and don't experience much of anything good or bad. My guess is that I have random unplanned thoughts of suicide because I get tired of not feeling anything.

 

[kimba]

Thanks Debbie and Junebug. I called my T and told her not to worry I am fine and explained what happened. It is Saturday so I left a message. I will just have to stay away from places I don't normally go until I know I won't take advantage of an "opportunity".

 

[kimba]

Thanks Ruth, I was honestly confused because something like that has never happened to me before. I am glad I am not alone. It is tough not only dealing with what we know is wrong but then to have something new come out of the blue....

 

[freakofnurture]

Be careful.

I have these sudden impulses sometimes, too. I couldn't find out how to predict them yet*, but I know the situations in which they can occur: While a subway/tram rolls in and while waiting to cross a street. I practiced to turn my back to the rails/street when the impulse comes suddenly or wait behind a pillar/the pole of the traffic light when I've already had such an impulse that day. I also practiced to remain passive and feel the urge but not act on it.

It might be good to think about something like this for yourself, too.

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* Though I know of the emotional states which make me vulnerable. Numbness, inner emptiness, lifeless calm and the likes in particular raise a red flag in me. I cut most often when there's nearly nothing going on inside me. I don't know why. Maybe because the lack of emotion also means a lack of motion agains all the negative crap.

 

[kimba]

Hi freakofnature-
Thanks for sharing that. I'm in the "total no feelings" stage right now. I know I am going to stay away from the river and really try to pay more attention to these thoughts if and when they come. A new experience for me-just wish it were a more positive one!

 

[kimba]

Ooops- freakofnurture-freudian slip but not one I meant! Sorry...My T is going to see me a little sooner than planned tot alk about what happened so we'll see what she thinks. Thanks again.

 

[freakofnurture]

Ooops- freakofnurture-freudian slip but not one I meant! Sorry...

Don't worry, this typo/misread happens so often that I stopped caring.

My T is going to see me a little sooner than planned tot alk about what happened so we'll see what she thinks.

Good to know you have a professional to talk to :)

 

[Teller]

Ah, if I can find the article I will send it to you kimba.

It was interesting, and about this topic. This phenomena happens to most people regardless if the have been through trauma, have been depressed, suicidal, or are happy people holding cotton candy. The article was describing a man who was holding a baby bird and he noted how delicate it was and so was being very sweet and gentle to it. Then in the next moment he was imagining himself violently crushing the bird in his fist. This was the last thing he would ever want to do to such a helpless and cute bird! It horrified him that he had imagined such a disturbing thing.

Why did he imagine it? He imagined it because it reminds him of the fragility of what he holds. Without seeing the opposite concept of a thing or action it is difficult to evaluate something as it is. It is like imagining a huge mountain or building you are standing on/looking at just crumbling. Not because that is what you want to happen, but because it reminds you of how strong and sturdy it is. That such an immense thing is not as breakable as everything else around it. The same is with the bird but reversed. We would not appreciate the fragility and care for a helpless bird properly if we cannot gauge how delicate it actually is. Because the last thing we want is an accident because we were careless.

The author spoke about people's sudden urges to jump from high places in the same way. It can remind us of how careful we must be with ourselves lest we face our own mortality through carelessness around the ledge. Makes you aware of the surroundings and of yourself, and that you are, in fact, in reality and not a dream.

So maybe what you were experiencing was normal.