Not supposed to tell

[Placebo]

I do take.responsibility for being a juvenile delinquent and doing what I did. I can't help anything now about the past. I wasn't raised to be like that by my parents or siblings. My siblings told me all.guys want is sex and don't put out. My parents kept it quiet no sex talk and just said wait til your married. I don't think my response was that unusual as I've looked it up and women have killed themselves over stuff like that. It's to late to do anything now about the past. I have been so conflicted because deep down inside I felt like it was all my fault and that I should have just went and had sex with guys instead of go celibate for the next 5 years. Maybe I wouldn't have been so damaged today had I just gotten plastic surgery when I had the money for it and used some guy for money? It's not in me to do that. Honestly I can't even have just sex without having g some type of emotions. I just can't, and I guess I'm bad for everything I am inside. I know they enjoy hurting me and weirdos have walked up to me in stores saying "what's the big deal" about which part of it I have no idea. Control freaks is what I gather. It has calmed down. I don't care about sex much anymore honestly now that I'm older. I'm celibate now for spiritual reasons and I enjoy being celibate, but I have always gone long periods of time from 13-15 and then I fell in love after that from 17-21 and so on and so forth. It's personal and I am happy with my decisions. Personal sacredness and having a deeper life is something I need to have. I think I'm going to be ok. The ptsd isn't killing me, so I'll figure it out. I sometimes think they gave me over to some sadist to watch over me, and make sure I never complain. But, what does it matter what I do? I never understood how much of control freaks they are. Why did they need to continually f*ck with me except I didn't do what they want,and these people always get what they want. Their huge ego tells them anyone who doesn't do what they want deserves to be unhappy. I can't ever be a part of the masses. I know to much like how really ugly something's can get. I wish I could go back in time and stay a book nerd at 15 instead of thinking this cool guy loved me. I don't feel bad about not knowing anyone. They never introduced themselves and never treated me like my feelings counted. No one ever said hay what's wrong I don't underatand. It was just ducking loud in my face that I was a show for people. I know I'm not necessarily the first, and I won't be the last. I just didn't do what they wanted. I couldn't I wasn't capable of that. I had already changed to much in the 5 months after I broke up with that guy. I had hope for a fresh start in my adult life where I wouldn't be such a f*ck up. I'm sober now and that's good. I'm trying to get better, and do things like work. Even though I'll never for in with society,but I hide out in my personal life with people who are not normal. Jesus hung out with the rifraff and poor uneducated fishermen so I'm not to good for anyone either. All the disciples were societies lower class rejects. I guess hanging out with reformed murderers and societies rejects is good if you look at it from that stand point. The ones that were good and normal in ancient Greece were old men having sex with young boys at one point. I'm glad to say I wouldn't go with the flow in that one either. Being a individual human is very difficult and at times painful, but it isn't always bad if you look at historically what has happened in mass consciousness of society. I would not have gone along with the natzies either. I didn't think it was good to do that to a girl regardless of it being me or not, and I didn't think bullying someone was good honestly I didn't know why they just didnt leave me alone if they hated me so much. There is a lot I don't agree with, but that's mine, and I'm not pushing it on other people. I have just been trying to live my life even though I don't seem to know how to do that very well so far with everything that's happened, and how ostracized I've been. I was ostracized at 10, so I tried to find another way. Now I'm a piece of shit, and I'm going to get bullied on some level of my life forever it seems like. I'm sorry I don't follow the masses and seem to be ahead of things that happen years later and everyone is like oh now we have a bunch of people reacting similarly I guess this does hurt and isn't funny when it happens. I don't know honestly what others think that did it in the past. I know people are cruel. Especially people who can justify their actions because I deserved it either because they think I'm mentally ill with bipolar or because I did drugs in the past or just because I am not good enough. I wasn't born into their good fortune to have emotional happiness and freedom growing up. I wasn't born with a good body, and I wasn't born with a small nose. I'm just not good enough. I'm ok with that. I elected not to get plastic surgery when I had the money. I always think about that twilight zone where the girl has to pick a body and get it but she doesn't want to because she is afraid she will have to give herself up. She won't be who she is and she will just be like all the other number 12s. That's how I felt after my dad said I needed a nose job but he didn't have 5k for it. And how I felt after my ex boyfriend trashed my books because they were small and honestly the left one was bigger than the right one. Not a big deal they evened out in puberty and I spent all of my summer around tree with no bra on. I wanted someone to live me for me like I would have no problem loving a guy with a small penis. Who cares about that when you can work with what you've got. And a lot of guys have totally insulted me who have tiny penises. I don't care, or say anything like your pants are showing a girl camel toe with no buldge. I don't f*cking care about that. It's what a person is on the inside and that's what matters in old age so why not think like that when your young. ANyway I'm rambling again. Exhausted. I read a lot that people have to get it out and not to repress themselves as it is bad. I'm my case I did/do blow up when I held to much in for too long. So I'm expressing myself and not depressing myself no matter how messy and hidden in other off the wall shit it is. Eventually I'll be able to be eloquent in my wording, or not need wording at all which is even better. It's funny I have no shame about sex anymore, or my body and all of its functions, but I want to be celibate because I love myself and want that for myself. I am no virgin but depending on who I am compared to I am no wild one. It's taken me a long time to get this healthy sexually and free from my own confused morals because I didn't know myself when I was young. Hell I was to young to know myself at 17. But, over the years I've evolved. I know people that have three ways and are very open even swingers, bdsm people,and what is considered prudes. I'm happy for all of them, and I love them because they don't push it on me. Why people had to push sex on me at 17 in that town the way they did I don't know except people love to shame and hurt others. It's really popular to biblically shame people right now. I'm lucky nothing else has really happened in my life like that. I guess some of the stalking I'm grateful for as I hid out more than some, and wasn't so proud to just openly live my life, and I don't like pictures or video of myself so I'm not in album of them that I know of. I did send a few risky pictures to a few people when I tried to fit in with what all my normal friends were doing. Fitting in isn't right for me, and the cognitive dissonance I feel really affects me. I've done things that cause cognitive dissonance to the point of breaking down trying to fit in. But, there are so many different my lifestyles now days maybe I just can't fit into most. Sleep now. Nap time

 

[Kubash16]

You are good enough. Always have been. Always will be. :hug:

 

[Placebo]

Thanks. I'm so much better right now. This move has been tough on me, and my apartment doesn't feel like home yet. But, I'll be ok. I can make it through this. I could give you a huge hug right now Kubash. Thanks again. I'm going to read your diary for a while.

 

[Placebo]

I want to cry almost all the time even when I'm happy. I'm wondering if it's a little left over from DID, being split in two. When I was 31 maybe 32 I jumped back into my body, and kept flipping out inside because I went from 17 to 30 something, but I did the work to make it better and integrate. Maybe something in the world is coming up? Honestly I get like this when bad things are going to haopen. Its like ptsd on crack and I get stuff before it even happens. My sixth sense became very heightened before the graduation present.

 

[Placebo]

This song came out around the time I was trying to get over my trauma "I alone love you" it's stuck in my head. I don't like it. I did yoga today and started meditating with it. I will get back into shape. Being this size bothers me. I may not be a size 0 ever again, but a 4 will do. This is tough. Being sober is so hard. All this shi t I never felt before and didn't want to feel. At 35 something happened to me and it brought everything back fragmented and f*cked up. I couldn't state what was really going on, and I quit smoking pot abruptly while exhausted and pulled to my limit by people around me. I had been drinking a lot too though at bars. Alcohol is my gateway drug to harder things as when I'm drunk coke sounds like a good idea when it's offered, and in the circles I hung out in it was always offered, but sometimes if say no. I went into a psychosis and some stuff from 17 came back, but normal I of it, and my parents well my dad went ducking crazy on me and wouldn't let me walk out to the end of the drive way even. I got worse and worse the longer he held me captive as he lives up in the mountains and I live 45 minutes away. Within being back at home I was better and out of a psychosis in a week, but I did do a lot of drugs for a few months as I was dating a coke head, and I was just feeling that f*ck you dad thing going on. If I said f*ck you to my dad he would call the cops on me. He's to old now to physically force me to do things, and he has tried. At around 38 all the early childhood stuff came back that I never told anyone and honestly didn't want to remeber. My mom peeing on me when I was a kid, and my Dad screaming at her in the middle of the night. My dad putting me in army lock positions so I couldn't move when he was mad at shit like me not being able to find my shoes before school because the house or my room was a mess when I was like kindergarten to third grade. My brother f*cking tormenting me and getting off on me crying and doing shi t like hitting me with a pone book to see it it really didnt leave bruses, and just mentally tormenting me when he babysat me at 4-6. My mom telling me I needed to work on my personality because I wasn't pretty when she was drunk and constantly putting me on a diet and fat shaming me to get me to lose weight. I just had a rough one growing up. My sister made sure I knew she hated babysitting me in the summers (and still to this day talks about how she had to give her summers up) and she made my life unhappy and ignored me for the most part. I don't know why it still hurts, but I am a little jealous of my siblings as they had way better childhoods and it shows as adults in their success and hapiness, but me being like this a looser on disability and on government hous I g assistance is my fault I guess. I've had 24 years to get over it. I didn't get counseling until I was 30 something because my dad have me such a hard time and I honestly thought my whole life I was the problem. When I had tried to get help at 17 everyone said I was crazy and the guys in high school wouldn't do that. No one would help me they just said I was bipolar and after the drugs they put me on and being f*cked up over it I just lost it back then. I still feel embarrassed about myself though like I deserved it all somehow. Being 17 and having so many people celebrate my nonconsentual porn, and celebrating the bullies stalking me, all while no one would believe me or help really ducked me up. No one said it was wrong or understood they just acted like it was good that the guys who had spit on me did that, it was funny, and I was just a red neck actress that deserved it. People knocked on my back window after I had gotten kicked out of college by the bullies. The guys used to talk shi t to me there about what I did the night before, so I kept the blinds closed and stopped going on my back yard, and tried to just keep some sort of privacy in my life. I still don't know who knocked on my back window, but I told them to f*ck off. Honestly I was afraid by that time physically of the guys who just wouldn't stop no matter how bad it hurt me. There were a lot more people back there then just the bullies though. Why does this still hurt and why can't I wrap my brain around how unfair and cruel the hole thing was? It's a mystery to me why I can't just get over it. Why it still hurts. And why I feel so bad about myself for all of my life. Like my life reflects what a piece of shot I am over and over. I feel bad for this, but honestly it helped when revenge por n came out and other women said it destroyed them, and their safety, and they felt raped like I did. I finally had someone else that felt like me to compare myself to. The whole time after 17 I thought I was such a piece of shit for not laughing and for not being able to sexually sleep with men after that, or be like Madonna and just say f*ck you this is my life and my body, but she had a lot of support and privacy in her home and was older and even in interviews said she rocked back and forth sometimes just holding her self together as she pushed sexual boundaries in the world. I felt bad for not being able to defend myself with that f*ck you attitude and be a slut, or sexually free as the saying seems to be now days, but I did love that guy who did that, and just wanted to be in love and not sleep with people like that. Love ment sex to me is I was ducking then there was love somewhere. I'm still kinda like that as I've tried the just f*ck buddies thing and it always backfires on me. When life goes like this how can you not feel totally bad about yourself? I read an interview that Paris Hilton felt raped when her video got out. I'm so lucky I was 15 and 16 when that happened or it would be out there for anyone too see. I got to go to an aa meeting now. At least those people are kind about past mistakes and won't push me into suicide for getting hurt because I did drugs and loved a man.

 

[Placebo]

Yoga day 2, and it's helping a lot. Getting my day started with a 45 min moving meditation is amazing. I realized today I have to work to be ok. Yes, just to be ok while I'm going through all of this healing stuff. I realized part of why I've been upset about this thing in my past is I wished I could have been a sociopath. Had I just been cold, selfish, and only money oriented I would have been ok. I just couldn't get happy and laugh over so many people watching me have sex, and give blow jobs to my first love. I just couldn't be cold and think f*ck em. I had no safe place to go. I finally met with a lady who's dad was a narcotics detective, and she said the hardest was when he had to arrest his own and other cops in a bust, so she knows that in every profession there is good and bad (for lack of a better word) people. I can word what happened to me better and not fall to mush when I talk about it now, but still have a hard time, and am trying to find the appropriate words and things to say about it. I'm supposed to do this thing in aa we do called an inventory with her, and my trauma will be a part of it. There are something's I will not be able to say as some.if it is pretty unbelievable and I didn't believe it until it had been proven beyond true to me. I guess that part of it doesn't matter though when things get to that ridicules high level it's so beyond me I can't even care at that point. It's just ridicules and pointless and not a part of my ptsd honestly just a WTF type thing. I honestly do be live this is my karma for past lives and this life as I wasn't very good to my parents for 2-3 years. I have read things in here and know there is worse than me. I get bad in pts d and return to a state of when I was a teenager, so I need to find a therapist who can help with that. I have a friend who did most of her life in prison and is the sweetest woman alive who makes me get into such gratitude for my life. I have another friend who did 10 years in prison for nothing except a judge decided she needed 10 years for almost nothing as well. My other friend said "I'm gonna ducking kill you" to his girlfriend at the time and she called the cops, but they made up even before the cops got there, and it didn't matter she retracted her statement, and he still got 10 years. I was doing and hanging out with people doing illegal things the first 2 months of being 17, so I could have gotten in more trouble. I haven't gotten in hardly any trouble with the law, but after what happened to me at 17 I've been very straight except for smoking pot (and a few relapses on harder drugs). If I want to get better I have to work for it. It's going to take practice to build up the needed habits to be better. The antipsychotic just made me totally lazy mentally and weak I didn't work i was just numb. Now I have to practice mindfulness, take care of my body, and things like that in order to deal with this. Some people get injured physically and have to take care of themselves, so why should I get into self pity? I can't be a sociopath even though I wish I could have been as a kid. Honestly that life style for to me and it was why I changed a lot even before that trauma. I was changing rapidly back then. I'm not a completely selfish piece of shit after all. I just don't fit in with everyone. I don't look down on people and never have. I'm not better than anyone either. Anyway, lose the quit smoking weight, go to school, and work for my happiness. I guess that's the plan.

 

[Placebo]

If I had known the things I know now as a kid my life would have been different. My mom didn't tell me about her side of the family till I was in my 30's, but my brother knew about it. I just thought we were low class oakies and I didn't know my dad had an education really. My family had problems and I did help them a lot until I was 16 and got that boyfriend. Maybe I would have felt good enough to have done somethi g with my life? Maybe I wouldn't have took in what every one outside if me told me about myself. My sister when she was in college and I was 18 told me I reminded her of Lenny in of mice and men. I wasn't supposed to be born. I am paying down past life negative karma here. I have some good karma though. I k ow I hurt someone bad in my past life most likely a group of people as I've always had large groups against me and never a one on one type of thing. I fight suffering every day and try not to let it win. I forgive my parents for raising me so differently than my siblings. I was a birth control baby, so it's not like I was planned. I'm fighting being who I was told I am most of my life. I have some good people in my life, so I'm greatful. I wish I could forgive myself for what happened from late 15-18, but I do t think I ever can forgive myself. I'm just working in losing weight right now, or I have to. Being fat sucks and as a kid growing up was the worst thing I could be, so I feel a lot of pain when I'm this big. It's drilled in me that my weight is a reflection of who I am so if I'm heavy then I'm not good, and not loveable. I don't think it's ever going to be ok ever again. It's like a injury that will hurt daily that I have to live with. I can live in extreme emotional pain and smile now though. If your hurt and you don't smile then you deserve bad things too. I will always be alone with this stuff as well. I never thought I would end up injured beyond repair, bit it happens in life, and I'm not alone, or special. Sometimes injuries happen. Mine didn't leave me in a physical disabled position like I have to walk with a cane, but an emotional issue where I'm emotionally in pain all the time to diffrent degrees. Medication doesn't help. I can't smoke pot anymore. I just have to live with it. Like a bad back I have a bad mental twist I was left with. A bad emotional injury. It's just the way I live now. Sometimes it's better than others. I didn't bow down and suck dick, or like that opme watched me, so I have to live with it. It'll never be ok that I was sexually exploited like that and hurt, but it has been over for a long time too. It's just a permanent injury I live with now. Chest pain is normal. Heart ach is normal. Feeling like dog shit and feeling greatful I'm not in another country where I would be stoned to death for being alive is just the way it is. It was too many years living like that to ever make up for it now. I just have to live with being a second class citizen. Old injuries hurt a lot of people. I'm not alone. And I can still breath. I'll be ok I guess. It has to be ok to live like this. I ave no choice. The gray screen has been put back over my eyes. The colors are dull, and life is passing me by. Nothing I can do about it now as is long gone beyond me. Old injury that's all. No ptsd today which is good. I'm just living with an old injury. Listening to the homeless people scream in mental illness and greatful I'm not there because I'm no better than them. I'm just a human, and that is all.

 

[Placebo]

I think my long term marijuana addiction made me.delusional. I look in the mirror now seeing a totally different person, and I don't feel.good about myself anymore. I am 30lbs heavier and a few years older than when I smoked pot. I don't even know if it has to do with marijuana. I feel bad about myself, being on disability, and being poor. I know why influx out with ptsd when I do feel good about myself and when I have hope for a better future. When the bad stuff happened I felt like I was finally pulling my head out of my as s and that I would have a better adulthood than childhood. I had hope, and was just waiting to get away from the bullies of the past and get away from all the kid shit (any problem I had growing up was kid shit in his words) I just had so much hope I could move and life would get better. They f*cked me up so bad that I broke and all my hope was broken. I thought I could move to a city and be free of something. I never thought that people were watching me stalking me until they blew me out. Why does it make me want to die so much? I meditate and get to a good place where I feel like I don't exist and I am just one with the universe and I don't want to live except for not existing as an individual any more. I want to be free of existence and everything that I am free from in my meditations. I just am when I meditate. I don't exist, or not exist because I just am, and that freedom from being a thing alive in earth is so amazing. I've been meditating for 30 years and it is the only beautiful thing in life I have had from 10 years old on. It took a lot of years to get this good and deep when I meditate, but when I come out and try to just love in the world I don't want to. I want to not exist and be free like I am in deep meditation. I have had amazing things happen in meditation but a lot of science would say it's just DMT, but I don't do meditation for magic tricks anymore. I meditate to be free from suffering and the human condition that is suffering. If death is not existing then it is a beautiful reality where we are all equal in the end.

 

[Placebo]

Can't sleep. Had a thought about being stalked by my bullies growing up. No ptsd came up. It's weird knowing you were watched and stalked from 10- even now in some ways. I know now so it's not as bad that I'm monitored, but finding out I was being watched from 10-17 caused me so much pain. I was thinking about it a little tossing and turning tonight. I wouldn't wish that type of pain in anyone. I felt so ashamed for everything I had done. I was on prozac and got a bad reaction at 15 and used to burn myself with cigarettes then I'd bite the scabs some times. I find it funny that all the psych meds I was put on growing up showed up to cause me and side effects after a genetics test was done. I would tell my parents and they didn't care they just wanted me on medication when they wanted me on medication. It's odd to know the people who stalked me and continued to stalk me had good lives. I am glad they had good lives as wishing people bad is a spiritually bankrupt thing to do, but never the less I find it odd. To me it's just more proof of my bad karma in this life. I looked up extreme poverty and wondered if they would trade lives with me, and some of them I think would, but some of them despite poverty seem to have happy lives (so long as they have food clothing and shelter). I wouldn't trade lives with some one who had way more money if they were living a life in more pain than me. Money isn't everything. In fact I never cared to much about it, and only became insecure after my sister moved close by and talked about losers, and system users the way she does. I was ok trading money for happiness so long as I was happy. But, money seems so important to everyone. I understand retirement as getting older does suck when you are stuck at home barely eating and not able to afford medication. I've seen that too. I thought I would smoke myself to death with cigarettes before I got old, but you never know with that one if your alive at 80, or not. I still don't care about money. I understand I'll never travel (most likely not), and I know I'll never have anything, but honestly I could give a shit about that if I'm happy. I have had some time during the day as happy again. The bad bad moving pts d is over. I worked for my happiness today in meditation and I got it. Happiness is something everyone has to work for I think. No one I know is happy with out working for it. Some people I know are just prone to happiness like they say they have had a good life and are happy naturally,but some people I know say they have to work for it. I have to work for it. I can again though and that is such a gift. When the ptsd is bad nothing I can do to work for happy. With bad ptsd it's just pain and no way out. I understand why I think about taking my life when it's really bad. I hope it is gone until something big happens like.moving again. I will continue to work on my emotional stuff though and hopefully get better so the ptsd is less or has less triggers. I know I was stupid as a kid growing up now, but honestly was told I was so disgusting by so many that I thought they wouldn't go out of there way to watch me live. It was out of their way to watch me. Nothing convenient or right there. They had to walk up or down hill a ways to do it. Not like I was in the area of trails or anything. I couldn't save myself. I don't know why I'm so f*cked up over it still. It's been like 2 years sense anyone has given me shit that I know of. And they only have me shit at 17-23 then every few months from 23-26 after I moved then from 30-35 nothing that I can remeber. At 35 I got shit, but I looked at porn for a few months as I was going through an experimental phase I guess you could say, and wanted to see what people do, or we what stuff people do that I didnt. I hadn't slept with many people honestly in my life, and honestly compared to everyone I knew I was a prude. I think I went through my sexual peak at that time. I shouldn't have and I thought I was just paranoid and no one was still.stalking me. Whatever I don't really care about that. I started feeling watched again around that time, and thought it was ptsd or just me being hyper sensitive and a paranoid stoner, but I was still being stalked. There is one incidence in my life where I don't know if I was paranoid or not, but I don't care I'm not trying to do what everyone else is doing, so no relationships for me. I did try to have two non emotional sexual relationships in my life at 38, and both ended up disasters because I am not like all my friends I found out. I just can't do it. I am pretty sure I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I think I might want to be alone for the rest of my life. I think what happened to me made me f*cked up in the head and I can't get close to men now. I'm scared of them in a relationship, or I don't like the few I've dated. I'm good with being alone. I've only had two relationships and only dated a small handful of people. Being single is just a lifestyle at this point. I missed my chance to find my best friend in my 20's but I was to f*cked up after my first boyfriend got a hold of me. I tried being gay with everything I am, but I'm not gay, and that's just that. I love one of my new friends. She is similar and has no idea about anything in pop culture and doesn't care. It's so nice to meet people like that. I stopped being a part of the mass culture at 17 (I had no choice; I was just to f*cked up) and so I feel out of place a lot, but it's better now that I'm older except I couldn't have kids, so I don't relate on that level of mass culture now. The not being able to get pregnant thing hurt for so long. It just f*cking crushed me, but I am finally over it, and see the universe's wisdom creating me barren. More bad karma but again I'm lucky this life I get to live down so much pain I have caused others in past lives. I wonder if it's an agent Orange thing as I read a lot of vets kids have this problem due to agent Orange exposure through the parents genes. My sister had a thyroid problem that can be from agent orange and had to have hers removed. People are sociopaths for the most part and the government is no different as it has people in it. I meditated last night on the sweatshop employees who made my walmart pajamas. I tried to take on any pain they have and to give them my happiness. I wonder if I can do something for sweatshop workers. Like start a charity of some kind thanking them for my luxurious American life style. I have pajamas that are not even a year old. I have three pair, and wanted to buy another one that was on sale at sears, but decided against it as that would make me a selfish pig. I did blow money this month in stupid shit, but haven't in a long time. A pedicure and manicure and massage all for $100. Selfish but it helped get me out of the ptsd. I want to save way more money because I can living frugally. I need to give something to some charity. I live a good life and so many people don't have anything. I know our society is sociopathic thinking only of our own happiness, but I think that may be human nature when left unchecked. I guess it is human nature to only care about yourself, but I don't like it when I do that, and it doesn't make me happy. Maybe I can sleep now.

 

[Placebo]

No more Starbucks tea late in the afternoon. I guess it should have been obvious back in high school that I wasn't crazy. But, I think I found it so hurtful and insane that famous people had seen me have sex at 16 that I went crazy. They were celebrating my revenge porn (non consensual porn). The guys in school said I wasn't cool until that guy f*cked me and let other people watch. I was only cool because I had sex. It drove me crazy. My friend wouldn't go out in public with me because people were acting weird. So, basically they also heard me cry that I hated myself too. They called me a cry baby because I couldn't handle it. And still no one ever said "cut." And talked to me like a human being saying " are you ok, can I talk to you? What that guy did sucks. " It was awesome to them he tried to pimp me out so I could get a boyfriend with more money for him to use as he tried really hard to be my "friend." I didn't even know what he did for months. They drove me crazy. I felt raped. And they were celebrating me rape. Calling me a red neck, and saying I was jealous and envious of the bullies who were rich compared to me. I never had bad feelings like that I just went my own way and tried to avoid them after jr high. They were the ones to say I was disgusting so I thought they would ignore me. The "I'll f*ck you" thing went public. My head was screwed up after he broke up with me and stole my best friend. It took a couple of months to get over me. I guess it was my fault I was stalked according to them still to this day. I did say the n word in fact I screamed it at Todd, and Chris, and everyone, but the red neck thing is derogatory and a racial insult. I feel bad about using that word, but I didn't watch them have sex and celebrate them feeling violated. I know it's wrong, but other people getting revenge porned and killing themselves for less did help me realize that maybe I was not a complete cry baby piece of shit. I've never been able to even verbalize this before because I was too ashamed, confused, and felt bad like I deserved all the stuff because I did drugs in high school. No one would believe me that Scott let that happen, and didn't tell me, or love me enough to have my back. I was a stupid 16 year old. I couldn't get help except people telling me I was crazy and it didnt/wasn't happening. To this day my mom says I was hallucinating about almost all of it. When I told my parents the guy s who bullied me were watching me in the back yard they said "so what" and wouldn't shut the blinds in the kitchen or pull the curtain so they could watch me eat dinner. I was completely alone. No one would help me. No one would acknowledge me as a human that had feelings. I was so sexually damaged after that, and still am when it comes to living a man. Players were so awesome. Men who played women for idiots, and I was shi t because it killed me he played me. I guess it's just a wound that will never heal. People high up in the government knew about it, and no one ever helped me, but I suspect our government has a lot of hidden sociopaths in it. The casting couch at 16 was supposed to happen, and did happen I guess. This me too movement is a f*cking joke honestly. Because I used the n word I was completely and totally attacked and shot at, but publicly celebrating revenge porn of a 16 year old was totally cool. We're all bitches and hoes. The first time I've been able to state this without goons on me telling me to shut up. I've had nothing bad happen in this site, but Facebook is ran by a guy who is friends with them, so again pushing me into suicide is to be expected. That Italian lady killed herself Tiazana or something like that. Thank God I was under age because they would have put it on the internet too. Back then was VHS though. It is so awesome to be able to write this down. I couldn't even think about it for 21 years without getting totally ducked up and it coming out so broken and confused. Because my tv was taken over at 17 when my parents were around I thought I was hallucinating I spent 20 years thinking I was crazy and that it was the lsd I took in high school that just made me have one of those long bad trips. I thought I was crazy and it was a coincidence as a kid that some stuff seemed to personal. And honestly I just put together this year that a mustang is a horse. I blocked it out because it was to much for me. The guys in school in Jr high called me white trash. I was so low in my mind that no one would even pay attention to me. I was also totally scared of people and attention back then. I got caught for being a dirty whore. Most of the town knew about it. It was a very small town. The only guy who came up to talk to me in a sit down asked me if I was ready for the real drugs. I thought he was a local and still think he was. A few years later I was walking a lot and on my way home I found a certificate for giving the best blow job. I kept walking and after a few minutes walked back to get it. Finally proof, but it was gone. Yet another reason I thought I just did to many drugs. I listened to nwa when I was 10, and I was afraid of gangsters with reason. They didn't treat women to good. We were less than them in their songs. So I stayed away in high school. I had black friends, but they weren't gangsters. Monica Lewinsky happened a few years later. Blow jobs were still contraveral and made us dirty whores back then. I never saw anything wrong with doing that if you love someone. The worst part about the blow job thing is that guy brought speed to me on our year anniversary and I went to town like only drugs can make you do, and that night they watched. I should have known but I was twacked out and trusted him. I heard something and he said it was nothing. So when Hollywood showed up I felt even more stupid, and again thought I was hallucinating that part. I knew the guys who lived around me did that, and that was bad enough. They lived like a mile away, so again why bother with someone you hate right. No one has to believe me, but my tv was taken over again a few years ago, and my car radio. I can't tell you how small, helpless, poweless, and insane that makes a person feel. Yes the government knows about it, and I am forever a piece of shit for using the n word, and for everything I am. And, for being a useless eater I guess. When the Oklahoma city bombing happened because my Dads side of the family are oakies I remember just feeling numb when it happened. A bunch of babies died. My friend was killed in Santa barbra, and my hurt was celebrated. God I miss tree. He had a watch that he took the face out of and put the word "now" in. He made it ok to just be a human. I've never had that acceptance and love before or after in my life. Everyone wants more, and loves hollywood, but tree didn't own any ideology about entertainment. He lived life as entertainment. I'm trying to get back in the working society in the helping field. I don't want people to suffer. I want to help people have happiness, and suffer less. I have suffered mentally so bad that my body has been in bad bad pain. Like I have a hard time describing it. I've had anxiety so bad that I shit exposive diaharea for 3 years, blood for 1 year (filling up the toilet), and both times with lower GI test could not find what was wrong. I've Had anxiety so bad it felt like I was in a boat rocking for 6 months. I've felt like an electrical wire is going from my brain to my stomach and wrapping my stomach in metal mesh wasbeing lit up with electricity for hours on end. I had a form of DID where I heard voices insulting me 24 hours a day and the sound of being spit on for years. If I can help anyone not be in pain I would love to do that. I also projectile vomited a few years back when I couldn't help but know it was real. The government helped to torture me at 17 with the casting couch call. No one will believe me about that, so why even bother trying to get help. I don't write this for others I write this for myself. What would they do if it happened to their daughter? Being powerless is the only truth I have. People can do whatever they want to me. I'm looking forward to my next life because I have extinguished so much negative karma from my past lives. Maybe I will get to incarnate in a higher dimension where I can remember this life and be proud I didn't sell my soul to the devil. I'm guilty of loving a guy who didn't love me back as is what started this. Why even bother with me. If I was in the government of be looking into the paranormal stuff for fun, and not hurt some female who's already been hurt. I'm not into hurting people, but that's me. Anyway. Good to get this out. Maybe the next life will be better, or there will be non existence after this. I'm middle aged and it shows just a fact of life. I hope their hate or sadistic love is not just about the n word. It was cruel to celebrate my bullies stalking me, and sexually hurting/ harassing me to begin with, but then again women were (are) just bitches and hoes.

 

[Placebo]

I know no one thinks about me that was involved. They could go on and act like.it.never happened and be happy. They didn't get hurt, and they were sure as hell.never bullied as a kid. Their dad didn't have military rage from getting out of the military, and their mom wasn't a piss in the bed pass out drunk. They were mostly men. I tried over and over to get over it then that song one of many would come in and I would be reminded they enjoyed the show. I would be reminded I was a kid with no coping mechanisms for what happened. I would be reminded I was a troll turned cockroach. No one thinks about me. They felt bad for a moment and moved on from what I understand. They didn't have to live with it. They didn't get hurt. Do I want more people.hurt? No I guess not. Did I ever want to hurt anyone maybe for a moment but because hurting other people doesn't come naturally to me it never would it has worked out right. Me too movement is a joke honestly. ANd, this public shaming of anyone who maybe said something bad at one time and hurting them is not good either. We have an unforgiving society. I'm so dreadful the one time I used the n word never got out. I used it again in jail, but was so hurt I went insane again, so honestly maybe I was hoping someone would kill me for it. I will never have privacy or a safe space and never did. Growing up was painful. God's I miss Tree. He lived me, and made me feel good about being a loser like it was ok to not be successful like my siblings, or good and innocent like my parents. I be live Cathy O'Brian. Even though I am not sure why they just didn't kill her. They killed John Lang if you look it up its a fact. People get pulled out of the canal all the time and it's never reported. Why she didn't get killed I don't know. Mk ultra happend, so we know our government can be very sadistic, and the syphilis project happens to. At one time our government hurt people like Martin Luther king, and now they celebrate him. They can be their minds on right and wrong yet act as if they are justified in every turn they "know" and are not wrong. Honestly I think the CIA just likes torturing people because it's a statistical fact they didn't get much from the guys they tortured in Guantanamo from it. If people were gonna talk they did it and the ones who were tortured made shi t up to make it stop often. They just want to torture people. It's never going to be a society like star trek even if our technology is catching up because of who works to get into power. Smart sociopaths who are self righteous even when years later are proven wrong. I dont that have that kind of ego. I'm always open to admit I am wrong and to grow as a person. I just pray that science is true and Buddhism which goes with science is true, or that we end up like we never existed when we die. If the only way to heaven is Jesus and being bad then saying forgive me after a life of heathenism is the way to heaven then I'm f*cked. Because I do t think a shallow forgive me to a man who didn't know the world was round is the only way. I be live in Buddhism and the many realms and dimensions. And if I'm wrongand nothing exist then in the end I will never hurt again. It will be ok in the end no matter what. Death is inevitable and unlike the wealthy few who want to live forever I'm ok with death as a reward for trudging through life and trying to get better no matter what. God I miss tree. I miss feeling good about myself. I miss not being judged by myself trying to fit in a world that I will never be good enough for. In AA it's all about becoming a productive member of society and taking responsibility for yourself. I get it I grew up in aa while my Mom falling down pissing drunk was never the problem and never had a problem. I can take a drink or leave and have said no to hard drugs while drinking I even smoked pot hardly at the end and often just quit on my own, but I don't know where to go or what to do. And I need nice people around. I can't tell them I was tortured and that's what my psychosis was about. I can't tell them the truth of what happened to me. I did f*ck up and do hard drugs any time my dad kidnapped me and put his full control on me, but I always quit on my own. If people in AA knew I used to have a beer and decide I didn't want anymore they would say I'm not an alcoholic. ANd, that I just wanted to fit in and do what everyone else did they would say I don't belong. I blamed my psychosis the three I've had maybe 4 on drugs, but in the end it was always what happens to me in high school. It's good not to do substances so I'm ok off of them although sometimes it has to stay off pot because it does help the ptsd so much and th only thing that does sometimes. But, I will live sober. I can't have kids, and will probably never be in a relationship again. I don't fit in any church, and I'm afraid about growing old alone. I need those people and besides they are forgiving and good. They be live people can get better, and live a spiritual life. I won't tell them I used to give away 12 packs even at the end of my drinking. I won't tell them I would get off pot when I burnt out. I won't tell them I stopped coke and speed no problem. I won't tell them I just need people who are safe and won't hurt me because I'm the world's biggest piece of shit. I'm fact they understand. They tell us were piece of shot that we have responsibility for everything bad that happens to us and we are selfish for not understanding bad people are just spiritually sick. I grew up in that and it's just a way of life I have lived for most of it. I was 13 and got.drunk once but always had sold of my mom's wine growing up. This past year I wish I could say was the first time from my early childhood I have never had a dip of wine but I take communion at my Anglican church with my mom, so still never had a year with out a sip fro m the The time I was 5. People in AA would say I'm not sober and don't have a year, but if they knew Igace away 12 packs and didn't drink often and for long periods of time they would just say I have mental problems and I would be alone again. I hate that my trauma isolates me. I miss tree. I will always be alone with the truth. I guess it's ok to be an alcoholic even if I don't fit the bill completely. I do get stupid when I do to drugs or drink sometimes. Being substance free is the best I guess. I miss pot honestly. It made me feel good and happy and ok with myself, and did wonders for my ptsd. BUt, being a pot head isn't good, and it's been drilled into my head that marijuana is bad by my family. They are all heavy drinkers, but they are all good, and always have been. I was the fat one. I was the bad one. As my family out it growing up shit rolls down hill and I was the youngest so I was down hill. They were just joking, but everything was a joke, and I should just laugh with them. Jokes at my expense are funny and I am a bad person for not giggling and letting everyone be happy. It'll be ok when I die. I just need to continue to live down my bad karma of being a reject, and being hurt in secret. I did This in a past life to someone it is only right I live through it now. I guess maybe the government knows that and believes in Buddhism so it is there good life given to them by God, and my fate that this is my life. I guess we all get exactly what we deserve.

 

[Empty Shell]

Hey @Lizzymac , great start to your diary :)

Sometimes those types of relationships can be the most difficult.
That dynamic can lead to so much confusion and internal conflict. It's ok to feel those things too.

You're right -- no one needs to know you're here.
That's the beauty of this place. It's a refuge from when the outside world gets too crazy.

We all have different stories, but we also have a shared understanding of what we are all going through.
Virtual hugs, if you accept :hug:

This is a refuge. It's only here that I've been able to tell that I am feeling the way I am because what I've been through.

Non of the people who call themselves medical professionals could tell me if I should (feel this way) or not. You can't know what
this is like unless you're been through it. It's like a never ending bad acid trip. I think we pretty much all have the same story.