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Not sure about what just happened

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I was not aware that I was becoming increasingly insecure with my therapist until things really blew up. I've been stuck in this place where I feel everything I do and say is wrong. Any little criticism sends me spiraling and suicidal. Before I started therapy I had a decent relationship with my daughter, had my hubby, two friends online. My support system had whittled down to that. Since therapy I was able to count my therapist among those so when one of my online friends and I just drifted apart it wasn't a huge deal. Then therapist he moved. I get it, life changes, but I was barely seeing him. Maybe a month or two at every other week which makes it feel like less time than it really is. Had to skip a meeting because he moved. Next meeting told I had to move the day and time, time zone. I get it. Done, no problem. Now we're online only and it seems he rarely looks at the screen, he always seems to be looking around or at other stuff. He's almost always late and I've been feeling rushed towards the end. EVERY session he's insisting I get more support (Now I'm wondering if he wants me gone). My daughter and I got in an argument and she made an extremely unclear boundary and I'm not allowed to ask for clarification because she won't "engage" me on that subject. We don't talk anymore, haven't seen my grandkids in months. It's a long story really. I have less support than ever and I've just been so insecure. A few years ago I met a psychiatrist that finally saw me, I have cPTSD he says, after 30 (not 20 like I posted on my own diary on accident) years of misdiagnosis and confused looks and drugs that make me psychotic someone saw me. He retired 3 months later. So I get this therapist after too many bad ones and he's finally helping me. In our last session he once again "asked" me to change my appointment because he had a new opportunity on Mondays and the new appt time would start with the next one so he was moving me regardless of what was good or worked for me. I messaged him after saying I felt he was more distracted and he wrote back and agreed, so many new things in his new life that were good but stressful and he anticipates it to last several more months. I just sat there wondering if he's telling me he's planning on be distracted for the next few months. Hubby and I talked and decided I needed weekly appointments, it will be tight financially but I need it because things are pretty desperate. So I wrote him again saying I would like weekly appointments but that I would like them to be on the same date and time and I'd like that time to remain consistent because I my insecurity about him leaving me seems to be increasing instead of decreasing as he originally promised. I explained that I'm happy his life is going well and that I believe I deserved his full attention. I admitted I didn't know if I could survive a search for a new therapist. I was just expressing my fear.

Therapist called. He said there was a problem with insurance and billing. I told him I'd have my hubby look into it and he was going to call and make sure things were in order to go weekly. He'd left a cc on file for payments since therapist moved and we wouldn't be going into the office anymore. We had been paying out of pocket at first, then insurance said ok for a bit and it was backdated so we had some money coming back and those would cover a few sessions and hubby wasn't sure how many so he was going to make sure everything was fine. He just hadn't yet. The day I messaged my therapist and asserted myself, like he keeps telling me to do, by saying I believe I deserve his full attention he calls me. Says there's an issue with insurance, they didn't cover it for very long and he didn't know why they sent him a letter with my name on it and his tone, his tone sounds suspicious. He said sometimes in this situation people find a new therapist and here is where I start to fog out. I had just told him I didn't think I could survive a search and we originally were paying out of pocket so I couldn't understand why he was saying any of this. I said I didn't know about any of that and he agreed it wasn't my fault (so I'm wondering why the tone still), I told him hubby was going to call in and make sure everything was going fine, he just has a busy week. So therapist keeps talking about it. He's saying he doesn't even understand what's going on as I asked questions for clarity because he seemed to want something more from me. He couldn't understand it and I can barely understand what is happening most of the time in the state I was in which he saw in our session the day before so I was really getting upset that he kept talking in circles. He was saying we hadn't paid for 3 or 4 months and I knew we had some that were prepaid basically because of the backdating on insurance but I honestly couldn't work it all out in my mind at the time, I couldn't communicate it, I was confused and scared so I just said hubby will take care of it. So finally I got impatient and I asked what are you trying to say? Honestly I'd rather people just SAY something than make me go in circles guessing that really triggers me and he knows this. He still wasn't being clear, hemming and hawing. It was awful. So I'm guessing here and I say ok, I understand we can't make a new appointment yet, but is the old appointment still on the books (it's two weeks out). He says in a very flat tone "I won't work for free." So to me he's saying that appointment isn't on the books. I'd told him hubby would take care of it over and over. How long does he think it'll take? Well I lost it at that and couldn't breathe or speak and hung up and called up hubby. Gasping it all out in fits and bursts he gets the info and says he'll take care of it.

Not long after my therapist calls and I couldn't answer, couldn't even breathe until it stopped ringing. His message was um I was supposed to call? Maybe there's another number on file. He was supposed to call my husband, not me. I knew that. So he talks to my hubby, apologizes to my hubby and that's it. Nothing. I wrote a message I was so upset. I had been telling him since I started that the office kept messing things up. It was an office mess up, not us. We were missing one payment, even though we had a payment method on file, because of an office error. I wrote him and told him that I'd told him that the office messes things up over and over and he obviously didn't believe me. I explained that his inconsistancies of moving, moving my appointment two times after and constant distractedness has made me more insecure than ever and the one time I assert myself he calls and basically accuses me of trying to not pay, then apologizes to my husband. No message back. For days. Is he waiting for my appointment? Or am I going to get a letter firing me? Or can he not message me back because he doesn't get paid for it? Seriously I have no idea what to do. I've had 30 years of bad experiences and the search itself is agony and this guy was actually helping me before he moved. I'd been walking around for days before that point with a vision of how I am going to end it. Then that happens.

I feel like I broke in the last few days. I feel the helpless part of myself still breaking down in the background, if that makes sense. I can feel the insecurities but a sort of almost numb shell has decescended and I feel like I'm simmering. I'm grateul it's not rage because that frighten me more. But this is like a dreadful anticipation and the next appointment isn't for a week and a half. Sadly I know the decision is mine, unless he fires me. To reassure me he would always say if we had a problem we would work it out. I'm not believing him after that phone call and that tone. I'm humiliated and angry.

To top it all off I don't trust my own perceptions. Did I do something wrong? Am I to blame for all of this? Was he out of line? I'm so confused and without any sort of communication with him since it's made it all worse. I don't know what to do.
 
Sounds like a whole lot is going on.

Check my summary, for me, to make sure I’m wrapping my head around it correctly?

- You’ve had a difficult time transitioning to online therapy only; both the previous connection that was there has altered, and scheduling has become a problem; as right when you are wanting to increase your sessions, he’s less and less available.

- There was a mixup in the billing, which seemed to spiral into the above, rather than just being an easy fix (as you both have insurance and can self pay), it became a crisis.

- You & your daughter are on the outs, as well as you & one of your other friends, so the recent problems with scheduling, billing, and connecting with your therapist have wiped out 3/5ths of your support network / people you trust.

- You’re doing badly enough that you (rightly or wrongly) don’t trust your own perceptions / judgment in any of the above, but the very people you depend on to reality check are the people who are presently lost to you.

Is that a fair assessment, or have I missed something / gotten anything wrong?
 
Sounds like a whole lot is going on.

Check my summary, for me, to make sure I’m wrapping my head around it correctly?

- You’ve had a difficult time transitioning to online therapy only; both the previous connection that was there has altered, and scheduling has become a problem; as right when you are wanting to increase your sessions, he’s less and less available.

- There was a mixup in the billing, which seemed to spiral into the above, rather than just being an easy fix (as you both have insurance and can self pay), it became a crisis.

- You & your daughter are on the outs, as well as you & one of your other friends, so the recent problems with scheduling, billing, and connecting with your therapist have wiped out 3/5ths of your support network / people you trust.

- You’re doing badly enough that you (rightly or wrongly) don’t trust your own perceptions / judgment in any of the above, but the very people you depend on to reality check are the people who are presently lost to you.

Is that a fair assessment, or have I missed something / gotten anything wrong?
I'm sorry I don't know how to divide things up. Mostly that is correct.

I'm don't think he's less and less available, I think he found the billing error when he was looking into giving me weekly appoitments like I asked for. But yes, he keeps changing everything and is less engaged during our sessions and so my anxiety is ramping up due to lack of consistency.

Yes there was a small billing mix up he thought was large and his tone became very stern and he inferred I was wanting free services.

My daughter and I are on the outs and that is really messing with me. While I didn't lean on her for cPTSD support, just having our casual contacts about our daily lives was important to me and the fact that our matter remains unresolved has caused severe backsliding for me just when I was starting to get better. My other online friend, he wasn't that type of support either, just someone who drifted away. But the results are I have less overall contact with the outside world. I am down to just my husband and a 2D friend I trust.

And yes I am doing badly and doubt my ability to look at the situation clearly. I feel my therapist was out of line and even though finances are fixed and the appointment is on the books he has neither called or replied to my messages about how I feel. So the issue is completely unresolved until our next appointment if I even can go. Harder to go without resolution.

Thank you for your reply
 
I'm offended that he continued to say he wouldn't work for free when my husband talked to him. My husband even pointed out that we paid cash in the begining, he raised his prices and we continued to pay cash. We got an exception and got insurance to take it, apparently for a limited time. We're back to cash now and neither the office nor the insurance office let us know things changed but we had a cc on file to pay for anything that came up. We have never given the impression in any way, shape, or form that we weren't willing to pay. The office admitted it was their mistake and NO ONE, not the office people, not the therapist seem to be clear on any of it. I don't know what more there is to it because no one will say because no one seems to know. Yet we are accused of wanting free services over and over? Does this make sense to anyone else? I'm truly asking is this ok for a therapist to do? Does this sound ethical to you and how would you handle it? I messaged him after it happened and have received no response. He had early on promised to work through misunderstandings because I was afraid I'd be too much for him because no one seems to be able to help me. He's not trying to work through this, just silence. I'm so confused. I KNOW I didn't do anything wrong and yet I'm sitting here doubting it and I realize that it might be distorted thinking but the longer he doesn't respond makes my anxiety so much worse.
 
he has neither called or replied to my messages about how I feel.
Apologies beforehand. I was not able to read your entire post. But...I did want to reply to this. Sometimes they don't reply. Even when they say they will. Sometimes they prefer to deal with misunderstandings and upset in person. It's harder for me, too, when my T doesn't respond when I'm super upset, and we have to discuss in person. I often can't at that point. But if you can, that will likely help clear things up and make them easier to manage.
 
I'm offended that he continued to say he wouldn't work for free when my husband talked to him. My husband even pointed out that we paid cash in the begining, he raised his prices and we continued to pay cash. We got an exception and got insurance to take it, apparently for a limited time. We're back to cash now and neither the office nor the insurance office let us know things changed but we had a cc on file to pay for anything that came up. We have never given the impression in any way, shape, or form that we weren't willing to pay. The office admitted it was their mistake and NO ONE, not the office people, not the therapist seem to be clear on any of it. I don't know what more there is to it because no one will say because no one seems to know. Yet we are accused of wanting free services over and over? Does this make sense to anyone else? I'm truly asking is this ok for a therapist to do? Does this sound ethical to you and how would you handle it? I messaged him after it happened and have received no response. He had early on promised to work through misunderstandings because I was afraid I'd be too much for him because no one seems to be able to help me. He's not trying to work through this, just silence. I'm so confused. I KNOW I didn't do anything wrong and yet I'm sitting here doubting it and I realize that it might be distorted thinking but the longer he doesn't respond makes my anxiety so much worse.
How long ago did you send the message? It is the weekend…

Maybe call the office and tell them you’d like proof that you are paid up so that if there is a mistake you will have it in writing.
 
How long ago did you send the message? It is the weekend…

Maybe call the office and tell them you’d like proof that you are paid up so that if there is a mistake you will have it in writing.
Great suggestion! Hubby plans on calling the office on Monday so I'll add that to the list.

My appointment was Monday, he called Tuesday and I wrote him that night after he'd spoken with my husband and reiterated again that he didn't work for free, which neither of us understand why he thinks we're tying to cheat him. Getting proof will help my own peace of mind whether I stay with him or not. But if he doesn't trust me how can we build trust like he keeps talking about? Thank you for the suggestion!
 
Yet we are accused of wanting free services over and over? Does this make sense to anyone else?
There's a lot I don't know here, obviously. I have my own business though, so let me speak to the other side of this. Sometimes getting paid actually IS a problem. It's also the kind of problem that's not fun to deal with. I do what I do partly because it gives me a chance to feel like I'm making things better. The money is kind of secondary, but it's important because I need to to live. Having to go out of my way to get paid is one of my least favorite things. I'd guess a lot of therapists would feel the same way. So, even though YOU haven't done anything wrong and this is basically a screw up by others, HE might be reacting with some kind of a "Oh no, here we go again" feeling, and be trying to get ahead of a problem that doesn't really exist. Not the best way to go, to be sure, but therapists are people too.

Looking at what you've described from the outside, I'm not real impressed with the way he's handling the transition. Which doesn't necessarily make him a bad therapist and it doesn't necessarily mean you should fire him, but things aren't going very well at the moment. (Probably for either of you.) Your next session might be well spent talking about what's going on and the reasons for it and where do the two of you go from where you're at. If he actually wants to quit seeing you, he needs to say that. (If he does, it's going to be because of problems on HIS end, not because you're a "bad client".) If he thinks another therapist could do a better job for you, maybe he can help you find one.

Last, but not least, I had a similar situation a few years back. It turned out to be a complete misunderstanding. We sorted it and worked through it and the experience of doing that was one of the most valuable experiences I got out of therapy, I think. Good luck! (And, yeah, why isn't his office sending out bills & receipts? If I had an office staff, I'd definitely expect them to be doing that.)
 
I was not aware that I was becoming increasingly insecure with my therapist until things really blew up. I've been stuck in this place where I feel everything I do and say is wrong. Any little criticism sends me spiraling and suicidal. Before I started therapy I had a decent relationship with my daughter, had my hubby, two friends online. My support system had whittled down to that. Since therapy I was able to count my therapist among those so when one of my online friends and I just drifted apart it wasn't a huge deal. Then therapist he moved. I get it, life changes, but I was barely seeing him. Maybe a month or two at every other week which makes it feel like less time than it really is. Had to skip a meeting because he moved. Next meeting told I had to move the day and time, time zone. I get it. Done, no problem. Now we're online only and it seems he rarely looks at the screen, he always seems to be looking around or at other stuff. He's almost always late and I've been feeling rushed towards the end. EVERY session he's insisting I get more support (Now I'm wondering if he wants me gone). My daughter and I got in an argument and she made an extremely unclear boundary and I'm not allowed to ask for clarification because she won't "engage" me on that subject. We don't talk anymore, haven't seen my grandkids in months. It's a long story really. I have less support than ever and I've just been so insecure. A few years ago I met a psychiatrist that finally saw me, I have cPTSD he says, after 30 (not 20 like I posted on my own diary on accident) years of misdiagnosis and confused looks and drugs that make me psychotic someone saw me. He retired 3 months later. So I get this therapist after too many bad ones and he's finally helping me. In our last session he once again "asked" me to change my appointment because he had a new opportunity on Mondays and the new appt time would start with the next one so he was moving me regardless of what was good or worked for me. I messaged him after saying I felt he was more distracted and he wrote back and agreed, so many new things in his new life that were good but stressful and he anticipates it to last several more months. I just sat there wondering if he's telling me he's planning on be distracted for the next few months. Hubby and I talked and decided I needed weekly appointments, it will be tight financially but I need it because things are pretty desperate. So I wrote him again saying I would like weekly appointments but that I would like them to be on the same date and time and I'd like that time to remain consistent because I my insecurity about him leaving me seems to be increasing instead of decreasing as he originally promised. I explained that I'm happy his life is going well and that I believe I deserved his full attention. I admitted I didn't know if I could survive a search for a new therapist. I was just expressing my fear.

Therapist called. He said there was a problem with insurance and billing. I told him I'd have my hubby look into it and he was going to call and make sure things were in order to go weekly. He'd left a cc on file for payments since therapist moved and we wouldn't be going into the office anymore. We had been paying out of pocket at first, then insurance said ok for a bit and it was backdated so we had some money coming back and those would cover a few sessions and hubby wasn't sure how many so he was going to make sure everything was fine. He just hadn't yet. The day I messaged my therapist and asserted myself, like he keeps telling me to do, by saying I believe I deserve his full attention he calls me. Says there's an issue with insurance, they didn't cover it for very long and he didn't know why they sent him a letter with my name on it and his tone, his tone sounds suspicious. He said sometimes in this situation people find a new therapist and here is where I start to fog out. I had just told him I didn't think I could survive a search and we originally were paying out of pocket so I couldn't understand why he was saying any of this. I said I didn't know about any of that and he agreed it wasn't my fault (so I'm wondering why the tone still), I told him hubby was going to call in and make sure everything was going fine, he just has a busy week. So therapist keeps talking about it. He's saying he doesn't even understand what's going on as I asked questions for clarity because he seemed to want something more from me. He couldn't understand it and I can barely understand what is happening most of the time in the state I was in which he saw in our session the day before so I was really getting upset that he kept talking in circles. He was saying we hadn't paid for 3 or 4 months and I knew we had some that were prepaid basically because of the backdating on insurance but I honestly couldn't work it all out in my mind at the time, I couldn't communicate it, I was confused and scared so I just said hubby will take care of it. So finally I got impatient and I asked what are you trying to say? Honestly I'd rather people just SAY something than make me go in circles guessing that really triggers me and he knows this. He still wasn't being clear, hemming and hawing. It was awful. So I'm guessing here and I say ok, I understand we can't make a new appointment yet, but is the old appointment still on the books (it's two weeks out). He says in a very flat tone "I won't work for free." So to me he's saying that appointment isn't on the books. I'd told him hubby would take care of it over and over. How long does he think it'll take? Well I lost it at that and couldn't breathe or speak and hung up and called up hubby. Gasping it all out in fits and bursts he gets the info and says he'll take care of it.

Not long after my therapist calls and I couldn't answer, couldn't even breathe until it stopped ringing. His message was um I was supposed to call? Maybe there's another number on file. He was supposed to call my husband, not me. I knew that. So he talks to my hubby, apologizes to my hubby and that's it. Nothing. I wrote a message I was so upset. I had been telling him since I started that the office kept messing things up. It was an office mess up, not us. We were missing one payment, even though we had a payment method on file, because of an office error. I wrote him and told him that I'd told him that the office messes things up over and over and he obviously didn't believe me. I explained that his inconsistancies of moving, moving my appointment two times after and constant distractedness has made me more insecure than ever and the one time I assert myself he calls and basically accuses me of trying to not pay, then apologizes to my husband. No message back. For days. Is he waiting for my appointment? Or am I going to get a letter firing me? Or can he not message me back because he doesn't get paid for it? Seriously I have no idea what to do. I've had 30 years of bad experiences and the search itself is agony and this guy was actually helping me before he moved. I'd been walking around for days before that point with a vision of how I am going to end it. Then that happens.

I feel like I broke in the last few days. I feel the helpless part of myself still breaking down in the background, if that makes sense. I can feel the insecurities but a sort of almost numb shell has decescended and I feel like I'm simmering. I'm grateul it's not rage because that frighten me more. But this is like a dreadful anticipation and the next appointment isn't for a week and a half. Sadly I know the decision is mine, unless he fires me. To reassure me he would always say if we had a problem we would work it out. I'm not believing him after that phone call and that tone. I'm humiliated and angry.

To top it all off I don't trust my own perceptions. Did I do something wrong? Am I to blame for all of this? Was he out of line? I'm so confused and without any sort of communication with him since it's made it all worse. I don't know what to do.
Hope you are having a good Monday so far.
 
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