Hopeful Despair
Confident
I was not aware that I was becoming increasingly insecure with my therapist until things really blew up. I've been stuck in this place where I feel everything I do and say is wrong. Any little criticism sends me spiraling and suicidal. Before I started therapy I had a decent relationship with my daughter, had my hubby, two friends online. My support system had whittled down to that. Since therapy I was able to count my therapist among those so when one of my online friends and I just drifted apart it wasn't a huge deal. Then therapist he moved. I get it, life changes, but I was barely seeing him. Maybe a month or two at every other week which makes it feel like less time than it really is. Had to skip a meeting because he moved. Next meeting told I had to move the day and time, time zone. I get it. Done, no problem. Now we're online only and it seems he rarely looks at the screen, he always seems to be looking around or at other stuff. He's almost always late and I've been feeling rushed towards the end. EVERY session he's insisting I get more support (Now I'm wondering if he wants me gone). My daughter and I got in an argument and she made an extremely unclear boundary and I'm not allowed to ask for clarification because she won't "engage" me on that subject. We don't talk anymore, haven't seen my grandkids in months. It's a long story really. I have less support than ever and I've just been so insecure. A few years ago I met a psychiatrist that finally saw me, I have cPTSD he says, after 30 (not 20 like I posted on my own diary on accident) years of misdiagnosis and confused looks and drugs that make me psychotic someone saw me. He retired 3 months later. So I get this therapist after too many bad ones and he's finally helping me. In our last session he once again "asked" me to change my appointment because he had a new opportunity on Mondays and the new appt time would start with the next one so he was moving me regardless of what was good or worked for me. I messaged him after saying I felt he was more distracted and he wrote back and agreed, so many new things in his new life that were good but stressful and he anticipates it to last several more months. I just sat there wondering if he's telling me he's planning on be distracted for the next few months. Hubby and I talked and decided I needed weekly appointments, it will be tight financially but I need it because things are pretty desperate. So I wrote him again saying I would like weekly appointments but that I would like them to be on the same date and time and I'd like that time to remain consistent because I my insecurity about him leaving me seems to be increasing instead of decreasing as he originally promised. I explained that I'm happy his life is going well and that I believe I deserved his full attention. I admitted I didn't know if I could survive a search for a new therapist. I was just expressing my fear.
Therapist called. He said there was a problem with insurance and billing. I told him I'd have my hubby look into it and he was going to call and make sure things were in order to go weekly. He'd left a cc on file for payments since therapist moved and we wouldn't be going into the office anymore. We had been paying out of pocket at first, then insurance said ok for a bit and it was backdated so we had some money coming back and those would cover a few sessions and hubby wasn't sure how many so he was going to make sure everything was fine. He just hadn't yet. The day I messaged my therapist and asserted myself, like he keeps telling me to do, by saying I believe I deserve his full attention he calls me. Says there's an issue with insurance, they didn't cover it for very long and he didn't know why they sent him a letter with my name on it and his tone, his tone sounds suspicious. He said sometimes in this situation people find a new therapist and here is where I start to fog out. I had just told him I didn't think I could survive a search and we originally were paying out of pocket so I couldn't understand why he was saying any of this. I said I didn't know about any of that and he agreed it wasn't my fault (so I'm wondering why the tone still), I told him hubby was going to call in and make sure everything was going fine, he just has a busy week. So therapist keeps talking about it. He's saying he doesn't even understand what's going on as I asked questions for clarity because he seemed to want something more from me. He couldn't understand it and I can barely understand what is happening most of the time in the state I was in which he saw in our session the day before so I was really getting upset that he kept talking in circles. He was saying we hadn't paid for 3 or 4 months and I knew we had some that were prepaid basically because of the backdating on insurance but I honestly couldn't work it all out in my mind at the time, I couldn't communicate it, I was confused and scared so I just said hubby will take care of it. So finally I got impatient and I asked what are you trying to say? Honestly I'd rather people just SAY something than make me go in circles guessing that really triggers me and he knows this. He still wasn't being clear, hemming and hawing. It was awful. So I'm guessing here and I say ok, I understand we can't make a new appointment yet, but is the old appointment still on the books (it's two weeks out). He says in a very flat tone "I won't work for free." So to me he's saying that appointment isn't on the books. I'd told him hubby would take care of it over and over. How long does he think it'll take? Well I lost it at that and couldn't breathe or speak and hung up and called up hubby. Gasping it all out in fits and bursts he gets the info and says he'll take care of it.
Not long after my therapist calls and I couldn't answer, couldn't even breathe until it stopped ringing. His message was um I was supposed to call? Maybe there's another number on file. He was supposed to call my husband, not me. I knew that. So he talks to my hubby, apologizes to my hubby and that's it. Nothing. I wrote a message I was so upset. I had been telling him since I started that the office kept messing things up. It was an office mess up, not us. We were missing one payment, even though we had a payment method on file, because of an office error. I wrote him and told him that I'd told him that the office messes things up over and over and he obviously didn't believe me. I explained that his inconsistancies of moving, moving my appointment two times after and constant distractedness has made me more insecure than ever and the one time I assert myself he calls and basically accuses me of trying to not pay, then apologizes to my husband. No message back. For days. Is he waiting for my appointment? Or am I going to get a letter firing me? Or can he not message me back because he doesn't get paid for it? Seriously I have no idea what to do. I've had 30 years of bad experiences and the search itself is agony and this guy was actually helping me before he moved. I'd been walking around for days before that point with a vision of how I am going to end it. Then that happens.
I feel like I broke in the last few days. I feel the helpless part of myself still breaking down in the background, if that makes sense. I can feel the insecurities but a sort of almost numb shell has decescended and I feel like I'm simmering. I'm grateul it's not rage because that frighten me more. But this is like a dreadful anticipation and the next appointment isn't for a week and a half. Sadly I know the decision is mine, unless he fires me. To reassure me he would always say if we had a problem we would work it out. I'm not believing him after that phone call and that tone. I'm humiliated and angry.
To top it all off I don't trust my own perceptions. Did I do something wrong? Am I to blame for all of this? Was he out of line? I'm so confused and without any sort of communication with him since it's made it all worse. I don't know what to do.
Therapist called. He said there was a problem with insurance and billing. I told him I'd have my hubby look into it and he was going to call and make sure things were in order to go weekly. He'd left a cc on file for payments since therapist moved and we wouldn't be going into the office anymore. We had been paying out of pocket at first, then insurance said ok for a bit and it was backdated so we had some money coming back and those would cover a few sessions and hubby wasn't sure how many so he was going to make sure everything was fine. He just hadn't yet. The day I messaged my therapist and asserted myself, like he keeps telling me to do, by saying I believe I deserve his full attention he calls me. Says there's an issue with insurance, they didn't cover it for very long and he didn't know why they sent him a letter with my name on it and his tone, his tone sounds suspicious. He said sometimes in this situation people find a new therapist and here is where I start to fog out. I had just told him I didn't think I could survive a search and we originally were paying out of pocket so I couldn't understand why he was saying any of this. I said I didn't know about any of that and he agreed it wasn't my fault (so I'm wondering why the tone still), I told him hubby was going to call in and make sure everything was going fine, he just has a busy week. So therapist keeps talking about it. He's saying he doesn't even understand what's going on as I asked questions for clarity because he seemed to want something more from me. He couldn't understand it and I can barely understand what is happening most of the time in the state I was in which he saw in our session the day before so I was really getting upset that he kept talking in circles. He was saying we hadn't paid for 3 or 4 months and I knew we had some that were prepaid basically because of the backdating on insurance but I honestly couldn't work it all out in my mind at the time, I couldn't communicate it, I was confused and scared so I just said hubby will take care of it. So finally I got impatient and I asked what are you trying to say? Honestly I'd rather people just SAY something than make me go in circles guessing that really triggers me and he knows this. He still wasn't being clear, hemming and hawing. It was awful. So I'm guessing here and I say ok, I understand we can't make a new appointment yet, but is the old appointment still on the books (it's two weeks out). He says in a very flat tone "I won't work for free." So to me he's saying that appointment isn't on the books. I'd told him hubby would take care of it over and over. How long does he think it'll take? Well I lost it at that and couldn't breathe or speak and hung up and called up hubby. Gasping it all out in fits and bursts he gets the info and says he'll take care of it.
Not long after my therapist calls and I couldn't answer, couldn't even breathe until it stopped ringing. His message was um I was supposed to call? Maybe there's another number on file. He was supposed to call my husband, not me. I knew that. So he talks to my hubby, apologizes to my hubby and that's it. Nothing. I wrote a message I was so upset. I had been telling him since I started that the office kept messing things up. It was an office mess up, not us. We were missing one payment, even though we had a payment method on file, because of an office error. I wrote him and told him that I'd told him that the office messes things up over and over and he obviously didn't believe me. I explained that his inconsistancies of moving, moving my appointment two times after and constant distractedness has made me more insecure than ever and the one time I assert myself he calls and basically accuses me of trying to not pay, then apologizes to my husband. No message back. For days. Is he waiting for my appointment? Or am I going to get a letter firing me? Or can he not message me back because he doesn't get paid for it? Seriously I have no idea what to do. I've had 30 years of bad experiences and the search itself is agony and this guy was actually helping me before he moved. I'd been walking around for days before that point with a vision of how I am going to end it. Then that happens.
I feel like I broke in the last few days. I feel the helpless part of myself still breaking down in the background, if that makes sense. I can feel the insecurities but a sort of almost numb shell has decescended and I feel like I'm simmering. I'm grateul it's not rage because that frighten me more. But this is like a dreadful anticipation and the next appointment isn't for a week and a half. Sadly I know the decision is mine, unless he fires me. To reassure me he would always say if we had a problem we would work it out. I'm not believing him after that phone call and that tone. I'm humiliated and angry.
To top it all off I don't trust my own perceptions. Did I do something wrong? Am I to blame for all of this? Was he out of line? I'm so confused and without any sort of communication with him since it's made it all worse. I don't know what to do.