Not Sure How To Talk To My Therapist

[raking72]

I have been really depressed lately. I hate everything about myself. The only reason I'm still here is because of my kids. If I didn't have them I would have ended it all a long time ago. My ex physically and mentally abused me for 7 years. The mental abuse has been by far the hardest to get over. I second guess every thought I have, choice I make, everything I do. It's like he has ingrained into my brain to not trust myself or anything I do because I am always wrong and I can't do anything right.

I have an appointment in a few hours with my therapist and I feel like I need to tell her about these thoughts but I am really nervous. I am not sure if I will be able to. I have not been able to bring up any topics in the past appointments. I have been going every week for the last 4 months now. Every week she starts out by asking how my week went and she leads us into the topic of discussion. I am terrified about bringing this (or anything) up but I feel so lost and hurt right now I would do almost anything to make the pain go away. It has been a rough week :(

 

[ButterflyBean]

How about you start with just that? Something like, "its been a really rough week. I feel lost and hurt, so much so that I would do anything to make the pain go away. I want to talk to you about my thoughts and feelings, but I don't know how. Can you help me talk about my hurt and confusion?" See where the conversation goes from there. It will likely give you an opportunity to talk about your fear surrounding bringing anything up. Good luck and let us know how it goes. I am pulling for you and sending positive thoughts.

 

[IWIK]

write it down and let her read it.

 

[desiderata310]

I am a HUGE fan of email.
Seriously. I have found that it actually helps me keep track of
What I NEED to talk about
What I HAVE talked about
Keeps me honest by introducing the topic and not backing out. That way my therapist brings it up and I don't have to.

I've actually started keeping an electronic journal that I use to keep track of how I am feeling, etc. When I have a particularly difficult session, I email my therapist and let him know what was going on in my head during. Usually what I do is write in the journal and copy paste the pertinent information.

Can't hurt to try, right?

 

[scout86]

I use email a lot too. In fact, my T encourages it, probably for the reasons @desiderata310 mentioned. I'd be willing to bet that it's not usual to be having this problem for 4 months, and probably longer. Talking about stuff is hard, especially when you're not used to having anyone listen or care. Be patient with yourself!

 

[raking72]

I froze up again yesterday and couldn't tell her. I don't know what's wrong with me. The entire appointment was awful. It is supposed to be a 45 min appointment. I was her last one for the day and it ended up going almost 3 hours. There were a few times in the appointment I felt like I should just walk out because I had gotten such a bad headache and felt sick to my stomach.

A little background - My ex husband was physically and mentally abusive for the entire 7 years we were together. I jumped into another relationship just a month after I separated from my abusive ex. It has been about 11 months since I left him. My current boyfriend who I had started seeing right after I left my ex has low self esteem. A lot of that has to do with his ex wife. Right after I moved in with him, I had found out that he was cheating on me. To save the relationship, he started going to therapy. He had told his therapist about me and my past with my ex and she had asked him to bring me in. She said she was worried about what he did to me is affecting me because of my past. So I went with him to a few of his sessions and the therapist had asked me to start coming in to talk to her about my past because she thinks I have PTSD.

So, my boyfriend went with me to my appointment last night and neither of them know how depressed I am and how much I hate myself and wish it would all just end. I am embarrassed to feel this way. I feel like a total failure. She asked me just as she always does and I froze. I told her the week had gone ok just like I always do. It was hard enough trying to talk her about it, but impossible with him there. I didn't think he would even be able to go last night because of work but I found out right before the appointment. The topic of discussion turned into how he is still using his phone a lot even after I had asked him to not use it unless it was work or kids/family related (his phone was his means of cheating on me). He and my therapist got into a huge argument about how he felt like he was doing his best but it was not good enough.This went on for hours. I hate confrontation and avoid it at all costs. It made me feel like I am being insecure and I'm asking him for too much. I felt so sick afterwards that I don't ever want to go back to therapy again. Of course neither one of them knows how much I blame myself for him cheating and everything else that has gone wrong. Neither one of them knows how much I don't want to live any more. I feel like I should just quit therapy now. If I don't bring up anything bad, then everything is fine.

Sorry for all the rambling. I know this post was all over the place. I hope it makes sense :(

 

[desiderata310]

Honey, you need to go see your OWN therapist. Couples therapy is one thing, but you need someone who is just there to talk to you. Period. If you like this one, call her up and ask if you can have a separate appointment and for the love of everything, take this thread with you. Just Copy past it into a word doc, or copy paste it into an email and email it. seriously, This is going no place good fast and the best way to make it better for you is to see someone solo.