Relationship Not sure what to do

[Orchid1818]

Bf is a combat Marine veteran, who isolates for weeks at a time. He currently is in isolation. Im frustrated because this is our first holiday together, but he is not talking or answering texts, he wont be around. I understand it's not fair to him for me to get mad at him, as he can't help how he feels. I feel like I'm alone in this relationship? Anyone else?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Holidays tend to be tough. You’re not alone... a lot of us tend to have to do them solo or modified every year.

 

[Orchid1818]

Holidays tend to be tough. You’re not alone... a lot of us tend to have to do them solo or modified every year.

Any more advice on how to deal with a relationship when someone has combat ptsd and isolates?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Know that it’s not personal... then accept that it’s REALLY not personal. It takes time. It takes awhile to come to peace with it.

Isolation is a popular topic with supporters here.

 

[Friday]

How are you in other relationships where there’s various kinds of distance involved? Firefighters who are 24 on 48 off, active duty military gone 3/6/8/12-24 months, roughnecks 14 days on rig 21 days home, commercial fishermen gone the season, doctors/nurses pulling regular -if somewhat random- 36hr shifts and on call 24/7, musicians on tour a few months a year, politicians and staffers on the campaign trail, actors shooting on location, truckers home 4-8 days a month, etc.?

I’m asking because a lot of people love these kinds of relationships/lifestyles. It suits them right down to the ground.

Others? Hate them, and are miserable and lonely unless; they’re sleeping in bed with their partner every night, spend every weekend and holiday and birthday together, know a paycheck is coming on the 1st and 15th, 9-5 M-F 2 weeks of vacation a year. These people need/want consistency that can be relied on day in and out. They know exactly when their partner is going to be gone, where, for how long, when they’ll be back... and neither is too long apart or together.

 

[Orchid1818]

How are you in other relationships where there’s various kinds of distance involved? Firefighters who are 24 on 48 off, active duty military gone 3/6/8/12-24 months, roughnecks 14 days on rig 21 days home, commercial fishermen gone the season, doctors/nurses pulling regular -if somewhat random- 36hr shifts and on call 24/7, musicians on tour a few months a year, politicians and staffers on the campaign trail, actors shooting on location, truckers home 4-8 days a month, etc.?

I’m asking because a lot of people love these kinds of relationships/lifestyles. It suits them right down to the ground.

Others? Hate them, and are miserable and lonely unless; they’re sleeping in bed with their partner every night, spend every weekend and holiday and birthday together, know a paycheck is coming on the 1st and 15th, 9-5 M-F 2 weeks of vacation a year. These people need/want consistency that can be relied on day in and out. They know exactly when their partner is going to be gone, where, for how long, when they’ll be back... and neither is too long apart or together.

Ive not had a consistent relationship, I was hoping this would be it. I had a emotionally abusive ex who would ignore me intentionally. And we were together for a long time, then I stayed single for a awhile. So im not unfamiliar with distance. But I was hoping this time I around I would meet someone and have more consistency. I had no idea my veteran had ptsd when first getting to know him. He was very available at first, then it all kinda changed. I had no idea what was going on at first, until I researched it.

Know that it’s not personal... then accept that it’s REALLY not personal. It takes time. It takes awhile to come to peace with it.

Isolation is a popular topic with supporters here.

How do you have a future with someone if they isolate this much? If you had kids would you just be raising them on your own as well? I don't know, how could we have a future at this rate...its a concern.

I guess it's one day at a time for now.

 

[Friday]

So im not unfamiliar with distance

Sounds like the distance you’re familiar with was abusive or used as punishment. No wonder you’re reacting badly to -any type of- distance, now.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing? My best relationships straddle the fence between 24/7/365 (literally living and working together day in and day out) & huge amounts of separation ≠ distance (6months a year thousands of miles away), and that second one means I didn’t even recognize the abusive distance thing for years. But just like if all your separation is super healthy/loving so it takes awhile to realized WTFO, this is wrong... if all you’ve known is the f*cked up side? Same problem, in reverse. Took me awhile -read a few years- to get back to my old baseline of “this is what I love, like, DGAF, dislike, will not tolerate” IE looking at what I needed and wanted, instead of the reactive baseline I’d developed with my ex.

How do you have a future with someone if they isolate this much? If you had kids would you just be raising them on your own as well? I don't know, how could we have a future at this rate...its a concern.

You probably don’t. Whether “this much” is an hour after work, or 6mo a year. If it’s past the level you can tolerate, much less enjoy, it’s not likely to work.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Everybody has their limits and boundaries. I cannot tolerate a disappearing act where I’m worried he is dead in a ditch. I also cannot tolerate him buggering off for long periods of time. Anything more than a few weeks to a month, and I wouldn’t consider myself in a relationship anymore. Those are my limits. Everybody is different. I just know what I can and cannot realistically deal with, and I’ve communicated that with him. He can respect my boundaries or not. If he doesn’t I know it’s not the relationship for me.

 

[EveHarrington]

Sadly this relationship probably isn’t going to give you the level of consistency that you need.