Supporter Not Sure Where To Start

[mistermoo]

I've been a member since my wife (of almost 12 years) had her first flashback in 2012, but this is my first time posting.

In the last few months her new memories have been dragging up child abuse of unfathomable depravity and at an increasing rate to the point where she has no time to recover from one to the next, and each seems to bring up something even more disturbing than the last. I can;t even comprehend some of the things that happened to her, but they just keep coming.

Her triggers used to be managed by cleaning and a few other go-to methods, but they don't seem to be effective any more. She has been diagnosed with PTSD and is seeing a therapist regularly.

I feel so unhelpful and useless as a husband. I should be better at being aware as time goes on, but I seem to inadvertently trigger her at least once a week or more. She speaks about nobody understanding her, or being able to feel her pain which makes me feel even more useless, but I remembered this group and figured if there was ever going to be a place that I could find someone that would understand her pain it would be here.

Maybe I'm the one that needs help, but I just want to be able to support her better.

 

[Nam]

You are both welcome here.

To you: There is no avoiding some triggers. It can be the littlest things: brushing her cheek, or hearing a noise. There isn't a way you can predict what is going to happen. But if they do happen, just be there for her. Tell her that she's safe and that you are right there. Try to eliminate as many stressors that she has. Cleaning, housework, kids? chores. And lastly, welcome. You can start your own diary (journal if you prefer that word) and you will find other supporters that understand where you are.

To your wife: I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know it feels like you are drowning and you can't get your breath, but they will spread out. You will find ways to cope. I'm glad you are in therapy. Try very hard to be as transparent as you can during those sessions. You are in the thick of it. But they will ease up. Just hang on. Write them down. Write the triggers. Write the memory. Write the date. Seems simple, but it's quite hard to find the words. You may find that writing it is far better than articulating words to say out loud. It makes it more intense to say out loud. More true. Remember that you are safe. You are an adult.

At the age of 26, I had my first memory. It was the beginning of a very long journey. The months after, I had several memories, twenty or so. Then there were years where I had none at all. And then, suddenly, I had two in two weeks. It's unpredictable and frightening. You may see a pattern emerge though. I certainly did. Mine only came when I felt safe. That safe place wasn't a place, it was a person, my hubs. Almost all of them emerged while being very in tune with my husband.

I hope that the rough patches are short and that she can rest. My heart goes out to you and your wife. It's really unfair and cruel. It will get better.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I feel so unhelpful and useless as a husband. I should be better at being aware as time goes on, but I seem to inadvertently trigger her at least once a week or more.

@mistermoo , when you say "triggered", do you mean a trigger that takes her back to her trauma, or a stressor? Here's a great explanation if you aren't sure https://www.myptsd.com/threads/stressor-vs-trigger-what-is-a-trigger.13912/. I didn't know the difference with my sufferer until somebody pointed it out.

Either way, unless you are specifically doing something that you KNOW is a trigger from her trauma, and doing it on purpose, you are not responsible for triggering her. Please do not feel useless. I'm sure most of us have inadvertently done something that has resulted in our sufferers being triggered... I know I have.

 

[mistermoo]

Thanks @Nam I appreciate the words of support. I'll try to get the Mrs in here. She has quite a large network of people so her time is thin, but I think this would be a great community to lean on too.

@Sweetpea76 By triggered I mean I cause her to drop into a flashback. I think most of the time it's a direct trigger as mentioned in that article. It might be my belt buckle clanking or whistling a song that her abuser used to sing. I know it's not my fault, but every time I feel like I should have known.

 

[Nam]

There's no way you can know @mistermoo . Some of mine were clapping. boots on the floor. a zipper sound. Seriously, there's no way to know. She doesn't know.

 

[Sweetpea76]

There's no way you can know [DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/15511/"]@mistermoo[/DLMURL] .

She may not even know what will trigger her until it happens.

I know it's not my fault, but every time I feel like I should have known.

I threw a box in the recycle bin one time and it was evidently laying the same way a piece of trash was covering an IED my vet's vehicle hit in Iraq. There is no way to prevent it every single time. Even if it was something you feel you should have known or remembered... your mind isn't going to attach the same significance to it that hers does.

 

[shimmerz]

And the danger in attaching to them like she does is secondary PTSD. It is her thing to be hypervigilent right now, not yours. You won't help her If you end up reacting to everything too. Your role, imho, is to effect a grounding state. You can't do that if you are freaked out over everything you do. My advice? Be aware but never hyper aware.

 

[intothelight]

@mistermoo Welcome and I hope you find the supporter section helpful. As difficult as it is, try not to take her reactions personally as she is reacting to past memories and not anything that you have done. Just be patient with her and yourself.

 

[RussH]

The one thing you can do, and you may need to discuss it with your wife, is find a place, not physically, but emotionally where she can feel safe. She may know what makes her feel safe, so ask her, then help her feel safe.

 

[Friday]

Welcome @mistermoo. I hope you both find what you need. Here, and with each other.