Not Usually Lost For Words

[monkee]

I have zipped around the forum and read through how it is organized. I am not sure where to start. I have had one therapist diagnose me with ptsd a few years ago. I thought I could get better by exercising and stress management. I also faced the largest of my demons.. but recently because of physical symptoms I am having my GP once again had me describe my trauma and has told me she would like to put me on anxiety medication for ptsd.

My original trauma occurred 27 years ago. I have chronic and complicated ptsd, and although it is hard to admit that and to write it, I am just tired of denying it. I am just very tired.

Since the traumas that I have went through were in part related to people closest and dearest to me, it is hard for me to talk to them about what I am experiencing. They have their own issues.

I am looking forward to reading others, although I understand that I must contribute in order to remain a registered member. I write quite a bit in life, and for some reason writing here is daunting for me.

 

[Lucky Laser]

Welcome to the forum! You can write as much or as little as you like at your own pace. I think they only clear out zero-posters after a year or something like that... anyway, I am certain that you will find some understanding and definitely some great people here. :)

 

[upstream]

Yeah I stopped posting for something like 9 months and my account was still here when I returned.

Welcome to the forum, looks to me like you're already off to a good start!

 

[anthony]

Hi Monkee, welcome to the forum. Yes, I do now remove old accounts that have zero posts. All members need do when registering is make one acceptable post and their account will remain forever. I have deleted nearly 3000 old user accounts here now.

Welcome though and look forward to reading you.

 

[monkee]

I would like to thank you all for welcoming me.

I am having a hard day.

I tried for the first time to get my driver's license and I failed. I have a phobia of driving. I was shaking so hard that the examiner felt sorry for me. He encouraged me to try again very soon, so I am. I am not giving up!

I have also been reading through the forum about a concept called "second wounding", which it seems to be synchronicity to me. I am a big time people pleaser and I let people walk on me. Recently I have begun to take a stand in my life with members of my family over what has happened to me because they do not seem to understand what has happened to me, and their part in it, especially my mother. Since I confronted my mother she has moped, tried every way to invoke guilt in me for telling her that she allowed me to be abused and she neglected me. She is a wonderful person, I love her dearly, but it seems she and my sister have both decided I am now the bad guy. Logically I know that it is hard to take someone telling you outright that you failed them, that you hurt them, and that part of the reason why my brain doesn't process stress well is because of this...but I did not know how much I would have valued some validation instead of recrimination, and I feel somewhat victimized all over again. And I feel pretty alone.

I am glad I found this forum because knowing that others have been through this in some ways helps me get through it too.

 

[goingonhope]

Welcome to the forum monkee, ......& :hello:Hello,

I have chronic and complicated ptsd, and although it is hard to admit that and to write it, I am just tired of denying it. I am just very tired.

Good thing for exhausted yrs. of denial, it tends to be a cornerstone in which we can get truly honest with ourselves and more deeply willing to learn from everything. So we have PTSD, what are we doing about it, to live in spite of it, and to the best of our developing abilities.

monkee, In your 2nd post here, just above my post, you describe how you feel alone, and how your family members do not seem to understand you, nor their part. Sending you some ...Hugs your way..., I know this reality and these incredibly painful feelings all to well. I could've quoted that whole parag. because of so much identification with it. I empathize with you and am sending you my best.

Having read all the editorial policy and other forum policy and I hope you jump in and join us. Look forward to reading what you share and seeing you around the forum.

Hope

 

[moog]

Hello and welcome.

 

[sunnydaze]

monkee,
Welcome
I too have always been a people pleaser but not anymore. I have finally put my foot down to not tolerating or agreeing to do things I don't want to do.
These people have drifted away but I don't care. I suppose they weren't true friends to begin with. I no longer tolerate my family treating me bad. I just refuse to talk with them for awhile till things calm down or, I only call once in awhile. I need to get well not allowing them to bring me down. You must do the same.
sunnydaze

 

[cellardoor]

Dear monkee, I am very tired too. I understand your position with your mother. Earlier this week I tried to talk to my mom about my situation, but I just couldn't go through with it because I'm afraid if she knows how profoundly her absence in my life affected me, it will hurt her too much. I also no longer speak to any of my other family members. I've found that removing negative people from my life is the best thing for me, even if it's family. I wish you the best of luck in healing from your past, and I hope you pass your driving test!

 

[Murphy's Law]

hi and welcome

Hi
Big step to go get dl. Congrats. I hope you do what the instructor said, and try again soon. Thinking positive toughts for you.
I am lucky in family. They dont understand, at all, and it was hard at first. I had to move away because of my mom being here too much, and I had to give boundaries about visits and phone calls. But now that they understand its not about them, and its not personal, they accept it is part of who I am now.
If you are looking for people who actually understand, I have found alot of that here.
Hope you have a better day!

 

[Roo]

I tried for the first time to get my driver's license and I failed. I have a phobia of driving. I was shaking so hard that the examiner felt sorry for me. He encouraged me to try again very soon, so I am. I am not giving up!

YOU GO, GIRL!

You've made one attempt to get your license. Congrats!

You've done it in the face of a phobia. WAY TO GO!

The examiner sounds like a kindly person with his encouragement, and he did what he had to do in practical terms: not yet grant a license to someone who is not yet fully able to drive a car. You'll do it when you're ready! :smile:

To quote you: "I am not giving up!" YESSS!

***************************

About your family not understanding, not wanting to acknowledge your experience: this is a heart-breaker for sure.

If abuse occurred within a family...think of a mobile; every piece on it is a member of your family. If someone comes along and "pings" one of the mobile pieces...what happens? Every other piece dings or pings or whatever...Every part of the mobile is affected when one part moves. A family's like that...if one person moves her life in a significant new direction, every other person in the family will react.

Your acknowledgement of your experience makes the others aware of it in a new way...it's in the open now, whether they like it or not -- it's "the elephant in the living room". What will each person do in relation to the elephant?

It is so hard to acknowledge abuse, to accept that it has happened, to accept it for what it is, and for what it has done.

My sense is that there is so often a depth of shame...in everyone: survivors, perpetrators, and anyone who has witnessed abuse and not stopped it. Often, too, whoever is abusing one person might abusing someone else...regardless, the entire family is under threat.

Nowadays, there is widespread social awareness of abuse, trauma, and related things...and you will have support...you might not be able, now or ever, to receive any support from your family because whether or not they were abusers, they are part of the pattern and there are fewer things in life that are more agonizing to acknowledge.

In my family, there was much abuse...and still, so much shame. I've had rare moments with each member (Dad, Mom, two brothers and one sister) where someone touched on IT...different outcomes with each...and now, after so many years (27 years since I started my own healing), I'm pretty much wrung out of the need to getting my relatives to account for their actions (or passivity). The way I see it is, we've all been injured, and everyone goes about living with their injuries differently...

My heart's with you. :Hug_emoticon: