Relationship O.m.g. What Happened Now?

[ihateusernames]

I just read the other thread and, y'know, what everybody told you there still applies. Let this thing go and work on yourself. You don't want a guy who doesn't want you, anyway. Like I said- online dating is full of bs. This time it happened to be you dishing it out... But that really just indicates there are underlying issues within you. You say your mother constantly put you down and that you had no say in your marriage, or much of your life for that matter. Those are probably the issues. Maybe try seeing a counselor, even a family or marital counselor may help at this point, whether you ever want to get back with your husband or not. This whole situation really has little to do with the guy.

I'll tell you one more personal thing- my husband's problems stem from his mother running off flippantly with any guy who came along, destroying her marriage and her children's security, and ultimately leaving him completely abandoned and homeless. Sometimes it's hard to see the effects our actions have on our children- or maybe we put up blinders. I know that you aren't a drug addict and haven't driven them to homelessness like my mother in law, but some family counseling or at least a heart to heart with your kids might still be in order. I hope that doesn't sound like an attack or indictment on your parenting. Just something probably a lot of us here wish somebody had done for them.

 

[Friday]

My advice, if you actually want help... Is to stop lying. Stop changing the story to cast yourself in a better light. When you make mistakes, own up to them, because then they can be fixed. If you just try and cover everything up, at best the advice you get won't be helpful, and at worst, it will be bad.

It's raining outside. My kitchen is flooded. There's a huge pool of water by the door.

All of that can be true. But if I neglect to tell people that the sink is also by the door, and that I've ripped the plumbing out in a fit of rage? They're going to assume the kitchen is flooding from the door & the rainstorm outside... Because that's the information I've chosen to give them. Not gonna get a lick of help in shutting off the main, nor fixing the plumbing. If I was actually honest about what was up I'd get the help I need. Both the immediate (how to deal with plumbing I've screwed up), and long term (anger management). But, oh no, poor me! The rainstorm! The door! The flood! Gets me tea and sympathy. It's a form of lying.

You do deserve some of this. The looking through your phone? That's called "total transparency", and if you want to mend trust in a relationship? That's part of it. It's a well worn / very recommended technique, & conscious decision on the part of the person who has been lying to their partner in order to help rebuild trust.

You want people to tell you that you don't deserve your partner checking up on you? Lead them to believe that his actions have no basis in anything you've done to deserve his loss of trust in you? You do what you did: cast him in the controlling and abusive light, instead of both of you working through how you've wronged him in the past. That's not helpful.

In your posts I read an awful lot of "all I did was this" & "all I've done is that" & "I just-".

You either need help, in which case be honest... Or just want sympathy to make you feel good about actions none of us have any clue are best or right... Because we never get the whole story from you. We get the pieces you think make you look good.

I'd be willing to lay money that the missing pieces of the puzzle here on why he left were the 2 places you kicked into "all I did was _________". The conversation after the movie, and the later conversation. But only you know what the missing pieces really are, if you can even be honest with yourself.

 

[Lucycat]

he moved here from OK n now is in CO

So you are saying you are from OK which implies that you are no longer Ok? What the hell is CO - you are in a company? Please explain in real English!

I got the tics

So are you saying that you have Tourettes or some other tic disorder - please explain and how this is relevant.

N btw on this site you talk to n also get to know other ppl of the opposite sex...I

This makes no sense to me at all 'N BTW ' 'PPL' what on earth??

I am sorry but your entire post is like reading a foreign language. You might like to consider that we are not all from the same country as you.

 

[Neverthesame]

I think by the "tics", was shorthand for tickets.

N BTW = And by the way.

PPL = People

Edit: I missed the first question sorry @Lucycat.

OK = Oklahoma

CO = Colorado

 

[sun seeker]

So you are saying you are from OK which implies that you are no longer Ok? What the hell is CO - you are in a company? Please explain in real English!

Oklahoma and Colorado.

 

[darrenS]

it all sounds incredibly unhealthy and plain straight sick....sounds like you both need serious help. This site is for ptsd and people suffering it, it is not for people who have more going on and dont have the guts or honesty to deal with it

 

[Sabrina0712]

Look...I know I made mistakes...I was in an arranged marriage! Does anyone know what that is? I met my husband 2 wks before I married him n it was arranged by my parents. I married young...I tried my best to make it work! I stayed in my marriage for 16 years...I met this guy last summer... I didn't start talking to him to have an affair...I had a sick...very sick cat that eventually died 2 wks after knowing him. You can't help but start caring for someone when you talk to them constantly. He lived in OK (OKLAHOMA)...if I was looking to have an affair w/someone it would be w/someone closer in CO (Colorado). I didn't know he had PTSD until after we met...I had no clue. When he found out I was married (which I didn't have the need to tell him cause our friendship was not based on sex n still is not)...he tried everything to want me to leave my husband. I wasn't going to leave him for any man...if I left my husband which I did just recently it was for me.

Stop judging me for what I did in the past...I made a mistake YES I KNOW THAT! I don't need your blessings. I just need help w/my situation right now. No one can judge someone unless you have walked a mile in that person's shoes.

Yes he looks thru my phone, my things in my car, my home...but nothing I hide from him. He had trust issues way before me n if I knew all about his past which he didn't disclose until mine was all laid out...I would have told him to leave n I am not the right person for him. Which to this day I do tell him..that right now I just need a friend n so does he n its why I am here on this site reading as much as I can about PTSD, going to the VA Hospital volunteering, sitting in on conversations about PTSD with Vets who are going thru it.

I am not looking for validation for my past mistakes...I made mistakes which I admit to day in n out. Just asking for advice...

 

[Keepingthefaith5]

My advice: ptsd or not, let it go. Move on. Best of luck!

 

[Sabrina0712]

Thank you @Keepingthefaith5 I appreciate your advice...I am trying my best to lead a better life. My apologizes if I offend anyone about my past but its who I am n its the honest truth.

 

[Friday]

It's not about judging. Many of us on here have done the same, similar, or far far worse.

It's about having an accurate representation of what's going on changes the best advice for the situation.

- If you hide that you totally violated his trust? Then his actions are abusive and controlling and you need to get. out. now.
- But if you violated the trust of someone with serious trust issues? Then his actions are totally reasonable, and good on you for going to the effort to rebuild that trust, and here are ABCDEFG other ways to help with doing that.

- If you are coming out of a bad marriage? Then as someone else said earlier in the thread... Being desperate for attention, no standards, low self esteem... Means that any relationship you get into is probably going to be just as bad as the marriage, if not worse. The best advice is to stay single, and rebuild your life before trying to add anyone to it, if you don't want to repeat the same old patterns of abuse over, and over, and over again.
- If you had a good marriage that you screwed up? Totally different advice. Dating might well be a good idea in that case, in order to work on treating people differently.

- If this guy is coming to you for money out of the blue? Red flag. Might just be that you two have have that level of friendship, or he might be trying to use you as a sugar momma. Or younmaybhave some really crapoy boundaries, using money to flirt or to manipulate. Or, or, or. Either way, it's a red flag to look at what's going on.
- If this guy is coming to you for money because you offered to help him move out here & get set up? Totally reasonable. No flag at all. In fact, he has every right to be pissed if you offered to help him out and are now rescinding the offer once he picked up and came all the way out there, especially if it's based on advice of people saying don't give him money, if you tell the story leaving out the part where you two came to an agreement about money. But you have the right to be pissed if you guys set up an arrangement and he's breaking it. Or if you realize the agreement was stupid on your part, or, or, or. Things become much more complicated.

- If you guys are "just" friends? No problem with him seeing & dating other women, or beig cagey about personal details of his life (address, phone, etc.)
- If you guys are dating? Then that's a huge problem.

Mistakes happen. They're part of life. Lying about them, pretending the didn't happen, changing the story to look better, only giving part of the truth? That just means you're doomed to repeat those mistakes over, and over, and over again. Losing a good man, because you paint him as abusive, or staying with an abusive prick because you paint him as a good & rational decision on your part. The details matter. Fault matters. When something is your fault, you have the power to work on it. To fix it. If you've done nothing wrong? Nothing you can do to change the situation. Leave. But claiming/believing you've done nothing wrong... Is just as unhealthy as blaming yourself for the evils others do.

It's not about "Ooooooh. You screwed up! You're in trooooooouble! Nyah Nyah Nyah. You no good very bad terrible person, you." :rolleyes:

It's "Hey. So these are the pieces I screwed up. And here's the situation as a whole. How can I try and fix this?" Or even "These are my issues, these are his, what parts here belong to me / can I work on? And what's on his side of the street?"

 

[Sabrina0712]

Thank you @FridayJones for your insite!

I was not in a horrible marriage...my ex husband to this day is a very, very good man. He just couldn't understand the person I am...I am out going, fun, loving n since being raised here (coming from Malaysia when I was six) my expectations were completely diff n over the years yes we grew apart. So as we grew apart...I was seeking someone to talk to about my problems n I know to some of you a may not be a big deal but my cat was my life...I had him for 15 years n his health was detriating n if I spoke to my ex about him...he would tell me to just take it n put him to sleep rather than pay for the health expenses. That is when R came into the pic...n he was there for me. He was there for me more than anyone plain n simple n I can't express the feeling I felt for him.

I never offered R money ever...he just saw the way I lived, what I drove, what I make currently at my job n he took it a diff level. I know now its a huge Red Flag but I never threw money on him...whatever I gave him its cause I cared that is all but he is trying to abuse it especially now knowing I am single n have no one to turn to.

I never pretended nothing happened in my past, or lying about it. I wrote whatever is on my mind that was bothering me that day! I didn't think I had to write all my past mistakes down to ask for a simple advice...IF I MEANT ANYTHING TO HIM OR IS THIS IT? I was looking for some resolution to my pain for today...I didn't try to hide anything....I haven't emphasis enough for my mistakes but my mistakes are mine to deal w/...I am also not trying to paint a "poor me" pic...I am telling the truth about the pain I feel now.

 

[Born to Run]

Ok, Sabrina I think you are responding in a fair manner to the comments given, and have the guts not to walk away, but respond. I you would rephrase today, what is the advice you would like to have from the forum? Anyone, who feels pain deserves sympathy, whether or not the picture was complete or incomplete before. And it is not about summing up your past mistakes, just giving us a complete story to being able to advise you.