Obsessed..... Obsessed..... Obsessed !!!!!!.........

[Bill Dickerson]

This is the night I normally go Curbing in that area. I don't even feel like checking the other areas. My mind keeps racing even when I'm curbing in another area.

It's very annoying. I keep thinking I should go anyway and video tape the contacts. That might be enough to get him to leave me alone.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

This week has been a total wash stayed in the bed most of it cancelled a couple of appointments. Can't sleep wake up obsessed. This thing is really starting to get out of control. How can I know it's out of control but be unable to change the obsession?

This thing is really starting to make me feel crazy. I've felt so bad I stopped taking my meds so I could get some sleep during the day since I can't get any at night. I've neglected my insulin injections. Sometimes the obsession racing thoughts gets so bad it feels like a buzzing in my head....

I read the last couple of paragraphs and it sounds as crazy as it feels....

 

[JustBe]

Bill, I'm worried about your health. If you stopped taking your insulin things wil get worse quickly. Please go see your Doc ASAP.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Bill,

I think these things are usually about the cognitive meaning we give them. What popped out to me was something you said about being the the "type" of person that wasn't welcome, or something to that effect.

I am wondering if this is an issue for you. That you feel that it is being implied that you are a certain type of person or persona non grata.

Here is a thought. Truly confident centred people shrug off insults or perceived insults as they know they are not worth the energy or effort expended on being insulted. When we are effected it shows that there is a sore point there and gives the other person power over us. You getting het up doesn't harm these idiots. You can choose to be affected or not.

What helps is to change the cognitive meaning you are giving this. Instead of saying to yourself something like, "these people are bullies and I am loosing face. They think I am not the type they want around and are judging me. How dare they. They are interfering with the only thing I like doing". You can say to yourself, "These guys are obviously very diligent about their work if a bit over zealous. I guess that is better than not caring and sleeping on the job. How ridiculous but never mind as I have far more important things to concern myself with. I know I am a valuable person doing something constructive so that is OK. I have more important things to concern myself with".

It doesn't matter if you believe it. It still helps to reframe. Be careful about mind reading and giving people motives that you really don't know are true.

I hope you get free of this.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

What helps is to change the cognitive meaning you are giving this. Instead of saying to yourself something like, "these people are bullies and I am loosing face. They think I am not the type they want around and are judging me. How dare they. They are interfering with the only thing I like doing". You can say to yourself, "These guys are obviously very diligent about their work if a bit over zealous. I guess that is better than not caring and sleeping on the job. How ridiculous but never mind as I have far more important things to concern myself with. I know I am a valuable person doing something constructive so that is OK. I have more important things to concern myself with". It doesn't matter if you believe it. It still helps to reframe. Be careful about mind reading and giving people motives that you really don't know are true.

Abstract....You're way over thinking this....No offense but that sounds like it came out a text book. Your looking for logic when there is none.

As far as my "type' that was said to me not by me so I'm confused as to your meaning.

I'm almost impossible to insult since I choose not to give anyone the power to insult me. Besides I've already been called every name in the book. I do give extra points if you can come up with a new interesting combination...LOL

I'm not sure where the mind reading comes in. I've been followed by these guys for years whenever I go into the area. I've talked to a lot of them and never had a problem. They are doing their job but a physical confrontation isn't in the play book. Would you be upset if someone came along one day and said you can't do (insert favorite hobby here) anymore just because I'm having a bad day.

Would you not be upset and concerned if you worried that you might tear the guys head off if he touched you. Scares the hell outta me. My reaction is a very large concern. I'm already pissed at the world. Something that focuses that feeling isn't healthy. Feels like a magnifying glass and the sun.

My glucose level is OK actually since I'm sleeping a lot I'm not eating. It getting out of any kind of routine that matters.

 

[JustBe]

I hope today is a little better for you Bill.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

Family reunion today. Something to do so it has to be better. Lots of good food anyway.....

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I'm thinking it might be best for me just to continue and be aware of the a$$holes that will push my buttons. Hopefully I can prevent myself from allowing these folks the power to do so. Hiding is something I don't do well and shrinking away isn't either. Maybe it's one of those doors I need to go through.

Up until I got sick I never feared going through the doors and confronting what was on the other side. I don't think I ever feared what was on the other side of the door. Only what I might be forced to do on the other side of the door. I think I feared what might happen to others friend or foe on the other side of that door. I know that what I feared happened on the other side of that door and I wasn't there. I guess that's survivor guilt.

Is that fear of fear? Maybe? Self doubt? Maybe?

I welcome any comments.... it helps me to reflect and see other angles of the problem. Sometimes your so busy trying to get out of the forest you keep bumping into the trees.

 

[JustBe]

I guess when we take on the responsibility of caring for others and are not able to be there for them at a most crucial time it strips us of our sense of power (for lack of a better word), and leaves us feeling vulnerable and inadequate/guilty.

I have no idea what you've been through, but as a Mom, I have felt powerless and inadequate, scared and guilty when unable to stop my children from being picked on in school, injured out in the world, hurt by life.

I think I have always been painfully sensitive to the suffering of others. Perhaps that leaves us more vulnerable to PTSD?

Just my thoughts for what their worth.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I think I would much rather be a Vulcan and be only logical. It would seem to make things simpler.

I guess I get to wait till next week to deal with the situation again. I ended up with Pneumonia or something. Probably all of the stress. Need to reschedule my (T) since last week was a total write off.

I do find some comfort in the section of Romans "Be not overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good".
It's got some good stuff about heaping coals upon their heads referencing making them feel guilty because your nice to them despite their evilness. Not much of a Bible thump-er but the sentiment makes me feel a little better. Not sure why. Maybe I should read some Gandhi......

 

[The Albatross]

Sorry to read you're ill Bill, when I stress I get sick in short order. Hope you're going to feel better soon and that it isn't pneumonia. Like what you shared about Roman and maybe reading Gandihi though.