Obsession With Suicide/death

[MariaMars24]

First I will say that I use to self-harm. When I was 16 and I was cutting myself on my hand with my house key before taking the bus to school that morning. I liked the feeling. The pain blocked my real pain. I was hopeless. I had no friends in high school. I remember punching myself on my legs until it felt numb. The last time I ever punched myself it was last year because I had an argument with my now ex about when he and I would visit each other for the first time. For a whole year (2013) I was waiting for a date. I remember telling him that I will visit him on April (2014) and he said "fine, your choice". It hurt so bad to feel unwanted. I was crying hard and I punched my leg. I was shocked. I did not want to be at that place of helplessness again. Stress really kills me. I think about suicide a lot when stressed.

I am a bike rider and sometimes I dream of just jumping to a car a getting hit.

I remember when I was so stressed I told my mom that I get suicidal and she says she's suicidal too.

To this day I am fascinated with suicide. I would spend hours watching people killing themselves on these websites. I remember watching so many gore videos on best gore and I would feel dis-sensitize afterwards...like I knew the cruelty of the world. I stopped going to best gore because I noticed on the comment section on how people were sexually aroused watching these videos so I had to stop. One thing I regret was watching a video of a man being murdered. One time I watched videos of those who jumped from the twin towers on 9/11 for hours. The weird thing is that if on the news there is a report on someone who died I would not feel anything. It is just too fascinating. i would spend hours reading about celebrity deaths/suicides.

People don't understand how I love how brave these people are. it's depressing but fascinating.They want to end it so they have the courage and ended it. It sounds so weird. I feel like a freak admitting that. I hate when people say those who commit suicide are selfish. Look at the world we f*cking live in. You are so concerned about one person killing him/herself but so many children are dying in the hands of the government/war/etc.

I remember spending hours pretending to hang myself when I was a teen. I would wrap a string around my neck just hanging..thinking if I should go further. I remember trying to suffocate myself. I remember being in the bathtub just staring at the water pondering if I could drown myself. During my relationship I would take pictures of pills and a alcohol drink and send it to my ex when I was very very depress. I text a picture of a woman who hanged herself. I text a video of a girlfriend who killed herself after and argument with her boyfriend. I don't know why I did such things..it was not for attention. I just wanted to do what these people did. I wanted my ex to know how much I was/am in pain. It was not to hurt him. And that's the weird thing is that I don't think about others when I want to die. I never wanted to hurt them. I just did not feel good enough. I felt worthless. I did not think. I felt dead.

I was in a mental facility 3-4 times for suicide attempts/stress/etc. They were lousy though. I took pills panic and called 911. Is that dum? was I seeking for attention? It's the idea of suicide ..the action..the moment I felt empty..the pills I was holding in my hands..the tears..I did not want to really die..I wanted to be in that desperate place because what else do I have to hold on to that was good?

I remember during my relationship I would get so desperate and I would plan my suicide because of the stress of the relationship. I would say I'm going to kill myself on Sunday at blah blah time. I remember my sister and I went to the beach and walked on the pier...I would stare at the ocean wanting to jump so bad to the ocean.

I just discovered the term suicidal ideation so I am learning. I am not suicidal now btw. Just sharing my shadows..I feel weird though.

 

[GWhizz]

I don't know what to say to this... Other than, maybe you should put a trigger warning in there.

I really hope you're in therapy. Suicidal ideation is one thing. But a fascination with it is, well, weird as you put it.

 

[joeylittle]

@GWhizz, MyPTSD doesn't use trigger warnings (as an FYI also for @MariaMars24)

I don't know why I did such things..it was not for attention. I just wanted to do what these people did. I wanted my ex to know how much I was/am in pain.

It is for attention, and that is not automatically a bad thing. As you said, you wanted your ex to know what kind of pain you were in. People who are struggling with suicidal thought are doing so because they are in pain. Even though you have a fascination with suicide as an act, I get the impression from your post that you are fascinated specifically because you are looking for some kind of release from pain.

It's dangerous to have the level of ideation that you do. And I'm saying this as a person who has near-constant battles with ideation. It is not actually a safe thing, to let your mind return to that place over and over again. It might feel safe, but it does not take much to have things suddenly shift - and then it becomes very dangerous.

I read an analysis of the suicidal mind recently that said the high-risk person can be described as managing their life while in a very, very bad state. It only takes one crisis to set that person off and turn them from a thinker to a doer.

It's great that you are working these thoughts out, and I believe making them public is actually a very important step. Suicide can be so taboo, it's hard to talk about. Your next step is going to be talking these things over with a therapist. Are you in therapy right now?

 

[MariaMars24]

I feel nervous now expressing these deep thoughts. A part of me doesn't want to be seen as weird. I have a lot to say here and I just need an outlet but I don't want to unintentionally trigger someone in the process. ): This is a dark part of me that I am sharing to strangers. I have no one to trust now. ):

 

[joeylittle]

@MariaMars24, don't worry about the triggering.

If you are feeling very exposed in a thread, you can start a trauma diary - there is a members diaries section, and other members can read it, but it is your diary, and all the posts will be for your benefit, to get things out. In threads, people will respond to what you post, and around here, we are a direct and honest bunch. In a diary, people are not going to assume you want their opinion.

You are among the weird - don't worry on that front. And you are in the depression and suicidal ideation sub-forum. It's ok.

But tell me - are you in therapy right now?

 

[Chava]

I've overdosed and ended up calling 911 myself. It's not dumb. After the pills started shredding my stomach I realized death was not what I actually wanted. And while it's complicated and I also wonder if this is something you can address in therapy, it doesn't really sound to me like dying is what you want either. I can relate to wanting to end the pain. A nightmare I had not too long ago helped sort of solidify what my own suicidal thoughts were probably about...control. In my nightmare I was being molested by someone I knew would somehow murder everyone in the room (a bunch of strangers except the person hurting me). One of these strangers killed himself...as I was being hurt I watched him do this and it was not only a distraction, but seemed like he "won" because he was murdering himself before anyone else could. I was in awe and wanted to trade places with him.

Death itself is freaky...we ultimately have no control over our bodies. Add in near-death, abuse...and some of these thoughts (at least to me) are about ultimate control over my body. It was really clear in this nightmare since I wanted to trade being violated for being the one destroying myself. I had a few suicide attempts in the past (until I realized I didn't really want to die but wanted something I wasn't able to access very well on my own...control, freedom from pain..). I've also had a lot of self injury in my past...not much at all in recent years. Therapy has helped a lot with recognizing and responding to my internal stuff in healthier ways. But the need for control over my body has manifested in new ways...less destructive, but the need for control is still there. Not sure if you relate to any of this.

Of course I'm working to feel empowered in healthier ways because I do want to live.

 

[The Albatross]

Well I think, that meaning to hurt your ex or not, I can see why your relationship was having difficulty when you say, "During my relationship I would take pictures of pills and a alcohol drink and send it to my ex when I was very very depress. I text a picture of a woman who hanged herself. I text a video of a girlfriend who killed herself after and argument with her boyfriend. I don't know why I did such things..it was not for attention. I just wanted to do what these people did. I wanted my ex to know how much I was/am in pain."

Clearly you need to seek treatment as you are not self managing on your own. Untreated mental illness is hell on relationships.

 

[MariaMars24]

Thank you so much of the replies. I kind of "ran away" from this site but decided to come back because I want to understand what I am going through and know I am not alone.Yes I am noticing that I really need help but it's hard to purse that help because I have already been to therapy in my teens and early 20's and even last year. Last year what happened was that I feel pushed to take medication. Like I asked myself "why should I take medication if all I can do is just separate myself from the long distance relationship that is the main source of the stress?" Then I ask myself that even if I leave for legit reasons I am still holding these wounds and I am alone. It is so confusing. I don't want to be labeled as sick. I hate that word.

Death itself is freaky...we ultimately have no control over our bodies. Add in near-death, abuse...and some of these thoughts (at least to me) are about ultimate control over my body.

I have fear of death and it got worse after my father died at the age of 38 from cardiac arrest. The fear can be so bad I would stay up crying if I felt chest pains or if my heart beats to fast. I don't like the fact that we don't have control on our bodies. It's like everything in life seems predetermined and I feel doom. So when I get suicidal I ask myself why I am so scared of death if in the end we will all die anyways? But yeah I am thinking hard about getting help. I just don't want to be seen as weak...black women are expected to be strong.

 

[Chava]

But yeah I am thinking hard about getting help. I just don't want to be seen as weak...black women are expected to be strong

Help would be a great gift to yourself. The definition of "strong" is subjective. I used to be ashamed of needing help. As I got older, "strong" felt like knowing my own limits, my own strengths and weaknesses, and when to ask for help. Researching and finding the right help felt very strong and grown up.

I understand the doom feelings. I have lots of periods of depression too.