Obsessive fear of being abusive

[glass frog]

Since my trauma symptoms from abuse have gotten worse, I have been having lots of obsessive intrusive thoughts about the fear of becoming an abuser myself. I'm scared that when I was younger I could have hurt someone without realizing it, and I get caught up in this anxiety and extreme guilt for days and days for no reason.
My mind tries to list everyone I've ever interacted with and check that I didn't somehow abuse them, and overanalyze everything I've ever said. Sometimes I get scared of interacting with anyone because I worry I'll do something bad inadvertently.
I know these symptoms and the rumination are pretty in line with "pure-o" OCD or intrusive thoughts, but of course I still get scared that I'm the "exception" because somehow I've actually done something bad unconsciously.
I tried forcing the thoughts out of my mind at first, but learned that was counter-productive. Now, I'm trying to come to terms with the fact I'm having them and not resist, so my mind gets bored and eventually stops. But it is a very slow process and still very hard to completely take away the power from these obsessions.
I was hoping someone with any similar experiences may have advice on how to speed up the process of moving forward from obsessions or not being as distressed when the fear of being a horrible person comes up.

 

[T2L]

You're not alone. I immediately thought of Pure-O before I saw you mention it. I've struggled with this a lot and it's something I've had trouble explaining to people, even therapists. I'm sorry you're struggling with it as well. Meds have helped me a lot with the OCD in general, which also reduced these intrusive thoughts. It allowed them to decrease enough that when they do randomly surface I'm able to tell myself it's the OCD and not *really* my thoughts, which overall has reduced the extreme guilt associated with the intrusive thoughts.

 

[glass frog]

You're not alone. I immediately thought of Pure-O before I saw you mention it. I've struggled with this a l...

Thank you for your reply, it's a relief to hear someone else understands it! I am considering starting medication again, so hopefully that may help. I'm glad it has been helpful for you- that's good to know!

 

[Mach123]

My behavior has been abusive on so many occasions and situations. People seem to think that door only swings one way and all these poor survivors aren't abusers but my therapist always said "why would you expect yourself to behave any other way?" I lived a lifetime of abuse in a very real way, and though things are better due to awareness, I'm still living it (or in it.) I never knew anything else so I went back and forth between the abuser and the victim, never understanding that I was just acting out what had already happened. At this point my therapist usually pipes up and puts in "welcome to therapy dude."
So, how do you stop this pathology (my new favorite word) from running your life? IDK you don't as far as I can see, though I've had several therapists tell me something called "freedom" is possible. This makes me laugh. I'd say something about sex right here, something heavy with some humor to sugar coat it, but I don't have that much freedom yet.
What I have been able to do is stop acting out on the level of "trying to fix things and make them better." This was, at least during my married life, my go to abuse narrative in which I'm a brave soldier, and I'll just fix everything and everyone by getting rid of them. Sadly this behavior doesn't work very well in terms of winning friends and influencing people and after 20 years or so the crowd starts thinning out.
Now I practice being "nice." This is difficult for me in the extreme because I never thought I could be safe unless I was in "kill or be killed" mode, which is silly because that's anything but feeing safe. Being "nice" on the other had I equated with being weak or submissive and easily taken advantage of and not smart. At least I don't take these assumption at face value anymore. They were more trauma and less reality than I could have possibly imagined.

 

[ILoveLife]

I have this issue as well. And like @Mach123 I've been abusive in the past, extremelly verbally abusive in my case... so my fear of being abusive now is not completely empty of reason.
But I do have intrusive thoughts as well, in them being as abusive as my abusers, in a way kinda forgiving them for not being as abusive as me you know? Chalk it all up to "I deserve it".

One exercise I found to be helpful is a CBT exercise that consists in saving the thought for a specific time of the day. I usually save them for the end of the day, when I stay there just reminding myself I'm not abusive or a bad person, I just learned to react a certain way but did unlearn it later, I'm making ammends, all that is worth to point out.
This exercise greatly diminished them to the point of almost non existence. Maybe it can work for you too.

 

[somerandomguy]

My abuser accused me of abusing her, which never happened, but it resulted in years and years and years of assuming that I was an abuser.

The only thing that's really helped me has been cognitive behavioral therapy. When I'm aware of thinking of myself as an abuser, I try to stop and figure out where the feeling is coming from. Usually it's a trigger or I've been stressed in a specific way. Then I have to decide if the feeling is rational or not (it never is).

Lately I've been trying to soothe my inner child at the same time, since the feeling of being an abuser is coming from his fears and unmet needs.

 

[whiteraven]

I have this same issue, stronger at some times than others. In my case, I think part of it comes from being a witness to extreme abuse in the past without ever doing anything about it.

 

[zombycat]

Like some others here, I have acted out my abuse on others. When I finally realized what I was doing, I was so disgusted and repulsed by myself that I spiraled badly. I felt like evil had taken root in me, that I should run far away from everyone who ever cared about me and hide lest I make them suffer the way I did. I was lucky in that my supporters didn't let me get away with that bs.

Now I understand that my responses were normal. Wrong, but normal. When I screw up, I take responsibility for it and make amends. My commitment to not being like my abusers is in the work I do every day I am able to rewrite who I was made to be with who I want to be.

Today I feel like I'm winning that battle. Tomorrow I might feel like I'm losing it, but what sets me and everyone here apart from those who hurt us is that, win or lose, we fight it and we keep fighting even when we are just resting up for the next battle.

I get long-winded, but what I think I'm trying to say with all this is that, as awful as it would be, if you did hurt someone it is not The End Of All - Game Over. It's a battle you lost. One battle out of days and months and years of winning.

 

[Ronin]

the work I do every day I am able to rewrite who I was made to be with who I want to be.

Love the whole thing, but especially this.

but what sets me and everyone here apart from those who hurt us is that, win or lose, we fight it

And this. Damned useful.

 

[frogthroat]

Ahh, yes. I live with this same fear. I won't touch or own animals or have anything to do with children because of it. Recently, the woman I talk to at church seperates her two young kids before the service and I always end up sitting next to one. The little girl is more reserved but the little boy wants to be cuddled and talked to and I just try to sit as far away as possible. I always just want to bathe myself in bleach if one of these kids sit next to me. I'm not attracted to kids at all but I'm afraid I might become a pedophile I'd I'm around them too long because of my history. My T says "the cycle of abuse can stop with you." I guess I don't understand that because I haven't given myself a chance to abuse anyone yet. I make sure I can never hurt anyone but me. There's a deep loneliness living this way but at least I know I'll never hurt anyone. I've been verbally abusive at times but if I feel angry or I'm hurting and I'm around other people I just don't talk.

 

[PiggyBack]

My abuser accused me of abusing her, which never happened, but it resulted in years and years and...

I think that is one of the root causes of abusive behavior. The person fears abuse and so projects it on the people around them such that "other people's abusive behavior" is real to them. They fight fire with fire and become abusers themselves. It usually spins into an escalating storm that feeds on itself. The victim can even start to "fight fire with fire" themselves which isn't productive.

However, I think their are types of abusers:

There are "true abusers" that have bottomless sense of entitlement or "right to defend themselves" that will often escalate or double down if they are confronted with their behavior. They are blind to their own behavior and can even view themselves as peaceful, good, even godly people. it's a cognitive distortion that the abuser will be extremely reluctant to give up.

And, "situational abusers" that may dabble in this behavior, but generally feel very guilty about it. If you feel guilty, consider yourself lucky.