I had my group yesterday and so was taking my Service Dog with me, she was really excited about going and I was happy to get out of the house for a few hours. I was getting anxiety but not as bad as usual and I wasn't running so late and was feeling pretty great about the having made some progress this week! When I got to the bank I got a bit messed up with my harnesses and the anxiety started to build up, I parked in a good area so I wouldn't get boxed in with my Girl because she is so big and it's kind of like getting a horse out of a trailer, she needs to jump down and do a turn-about before sitting.
Cars are usually insane on a Saturday and blowing past, it was raining which usually sets me off but I was still keeping it fairly together knowing I had a good amount of time so as not to stress, practicing all my slowing down and trying not to rush myself. The great thing about having her with me is that first of all people are a lot more engaging so tend to be more pleasant and second, I am forced to keep out of my shell and working on my skills, and if I falter everyone seems much more understanding than if I were by myself.
We had a little bit of a wait but not much, however, it all started to come undone once I got her in the car and misread my bank balance. I had one of my "mind blindness" moments and after reading 3 times the balance of $45!!! I called my husband in full on PANIC!! It wasn't until he picked up that I read the 3rd number that I realized what had happened. I did pull it together where in the past I would have called it quits and gone back home but it was strange how my brain played out the old scenarios of the past.
Once I got to the group, even though I knew a few of the people and everyone was so nice, I just felt like such an outsider. I tried to eat a granoloa bar but the damned thing was crumbling all over the place and making so much noise I stopped and I couldn't get up to throw it away because I had my Girl hooked to my side so I sat there felt like a complete idiot. When I 'checked in' on how my week went I stumbled on about things and in the middle of speaking found I was thinking "who do you think you are thinking you would ever fit in anywhere??" Followed by the thought, "you're such a narcissist", then I started to cry!!
. I couldn't wait for that meeting to be over. I have no idea if any of this had merit or not. Honestly, they are all such nice people.
Last night I had a nightmare that I was found in the neighbor's house with my dogs because I had accidentally wandered in after something, I have no idea what, but it was a HUGE misunderstanding. The guy of the house was understandably freaked out but I couldn't pull the words from my mind to mouth to explain or even to give him my husband's number to call. The sense of helplessness and fear were all there in my gut. I woke up with another pounding headache and terror of myself. Something I've become more afraid of than anything or anyone...ME!
Ugh...
Cars are usually insane on a Saturday and blowing past, it was raining which usually sets me off but I was still keeping it fairly together knowing I had a good amount of time so as not to stress, practicing all my slowing down and trying not to rush myself. The great thing about having her with me is that first of all people are a lot more engaging so tend to be more pleasant and second, I am forced to keep out of my shell and working on my skills, and if I falter everyone seems much more understanding than if I were by myself.
We had a little bit of a wait but not much, however, it all started to come undone once I got her in the car and misread my bank balance. I had one of my "mind blindness" moments and after reading 3 times the balance of $45!!! I called my husband in full on PANIC!! It wasn't until he picked up that I read the 3rd number that I realized what had happened. I did pull it together where in the past I would have called it quits and gone back home but it was strange how my brain played out the old scenarios of the past.
Once I got to the group, even though I knew a few of the people and everyone was so nice, I just felt like such an outsider. I tried to eat a granoloa bar but the damned thing was crumbling all over the place and making so much noise I stopped and I couldn't get up to throw it away because I had my Girl hooked to my side so I sat there felt like a complete idiot. When I 'checked in' on how my week went I stumbled on about things and in the middle of speaking found I was thinking "who do you think you are thinking you would ever fit in anywhere??" Followed by the thought, "you're such a narcissist", then I started to cry!!
Last night I had a nightmare that I was found in the neighbor's house with my dogs because I had accidentally wandered in after something, I have no idea what, but it was a HUGE misunderstanding. The guy of the house was understandably freaked out but I couldn't pull the words from my mind to mouth to explain or even to give him my husband's number to call. The sense of helplessness and fear were all there in my gut. I woke up with another pounding headache and terror of myself. Something I've become more afraid of than anything or anyone...ME!
Ugh...
