Oh... So It Really Happened

[Sandstone]

I think this belong here.

I was talking to OH about having to bludgeon myself into going out for a walk today. I said "The thing is, I can't apply logic to it, and say that is perfectly safe to walk up the road here, because I know that I have been attacked when I went for a walk alone"

And suddenly I knew it. For nearly 40 years it has just been a fact, which I slightly doubted was actually about me while simultaneously knowing that yes, I was raped.

Then, without warning I knew the event and the emotional pain. Half an hour later it has receded, leaving just a sense of discomfort in my belly.

I'm not sure if I want it back. Being away from reality is more comfortable

 

[PointlessExistence]

Sounds like a breakthrough! I hope you choose to tackle the memories head on. You can do it!

 

[Sideways]

I'm sorry. There's no easy way of getting through this. But it does get easier. Sitting with you if you need the company.

 

[shimmerz]

about having to bludgeon myself into going out for a walk today

Interesting choice of words.

 

[Sandstone]

The reality of it as applied to me seems to have faded. There is a slight pang somewhere, but none of the graphic reality. Oddly, while it was with me, I felt less of the sense of responsibility that usually goes with it.

On a practical front it is easier to live away from all that. It is perhaps encouraging to know it is there and accessible if - when - there is some therapy to take it to. Meanwhile, it is probably easier that the emotion and the reality are kept away from me.

I hope you choose to tackle the memories head on

the memories have always been there, though I was surprised to find out that there are big chunks missing. It was the reality of those memeories that was missing. I'm not going to chase after it, it has been too dangerous in the past.

There's no easy way of getting through this

It looks as though there is - my mind has just removed it from me again. It may not be productive long term, but it makes day to day living work.

Interesting choice of words

why? A solid wall of argument seems the only way to drive myself forward.

 

[Sideways]

I've found that for me, recovering memory has come in fairly unexpected fits and starts. And yeah, it is a bit of a relief from one long onslaught. I found it helpful to remember that the intensity of the memory, and its intrusiveness, waxed and waned, almost like my brain was going, "Okay, gonna stick my toe it...and pull it out again... Now stick it back in again..." and on and on.

Dealing with the memory, much like you have here, writing it down, reading it over, confronting the reality, seemed to speed the process up and there was a lot less of the back and forth required.

But everyone's probably different. Your mind probably knows what it's doing and (hopefully) what you can cope with at one time.

So far, no one has ever been able to tell me how you know when the process is finished and there is no more to uncover...

 

[Sandstone]

One positive is that I can believe I'm allowed to count it as a trauma. I've always thought it was a bit doubtful that it could be, because there was no real distress associated. Now it seems there is real distress that is stored some where else.

 

[sun seeker]

It looks as though there is - my mind has just removed it from me again.

I get this. I find it sort of spirals... knowing it was real, and then the state you were in when you knew it was real passes and it feels distant again and almost as if it happened to someone else, and then it hits you again that it was real but on a different level, and so on. I've also felt what you say about the information and the distress being stored separately. You're normal. Or else we're abnormal together. ;)

 

[Abstract]

The first time I had one of those moments I was horrified, relieved, wanting to go back to oblivion/denial and wanted to hang onto reality and truth. It was and still is very confusing. It felt like a wash or wave of change crashed over me, my life and reality and then it would recede and come again .. in waves. A black toxic wave that tainted everything. I was desperate to go back and desperate not to go back to the internal torment and confusion before.

It is of course a form of processing and I think it possibly also means your brain is feeling it is more capable of the truth. The non matching of emotions and symptoms/memories was very charged for me and matching was a big thing for me in various ways. It still is. Negative and positive again of course.

It seems like a pretty amazing and significant thing for you.

Self care is the most important thing at the moment if you can stomach it. Take care.

 

[Angela Corgan]

So pleased to read this. You are SO not alone. My abuse was familial, as a child, teenager. I used to I believe literally leave my body. The beast who abused me wasn't content with just abusing me as a child, teenager, he discovered that I didn't REMEMBER, and so developed a system where I responded to certain triggers (for example him exposing himself to me or running his finger up and down his fly). I only discovered this after 55 approx years in 2014

 

[Angela Corgan]

My body has memories that were unleashed by this and the sheer feelings of helplessness and shame are very, very hard to handle. Has anyone else had this monstrous behaviour, the results of leaving my body are that one feels totally disoriented like my brain is fuzzed up. The Beast knew I had projects work I love, and tight schedules and that I probably wouldn't ne able to work the same. Somehow I got through - no way was I giving him the satisfaction that he had at last TOTALLY succeeded in ruining the things I love.

 

[Sandstone]

I originally put this here because I had dissociated the reality of the event. I realise it also fits in as a flashback. I like the term "dissociative intrusion"; something from "there" pops into "here and now"

A long time ago I told a Psych that I didn't get flashbacks, because I remember everything and so didn't need it to come back to me forcibly. How wrong I was. In fact I had too strong a barrier up between my daily self and the past. I will need to get through that barrier, but I can't risk a breakthrough. It needs to be slow and gradual, and Oh how much it needs to be done with somebody. I want a therapist.