OK, seriously, how do I wake up?

[itsyaboi187]

I'm a school shooting survivor. It was a horrible event I survived eight years ago, due completely to luck, and I've been in therapy ever since. The last two years have been instrumental for me. I'm making some great progress with my therapist, embarked on a weeklong retreat with fellow survivors, I started Ketamine-assisted therapy, and completed TMS.

I have a lot of issues, obviously, the biggest of which is sleep. When my parents picked me up from the event, I was in shock. Obviously. Everyone was scared, we didn't yet know who was dead or alive and I had seen carnage. My parents told me to rest. Eventually my body gave out, and I slept, I don't know how long. A half an hour maybe.

I had the worst nightmare of my life. That was the beginning of the end for me. After that, I could sleep uninterrupted through an entire school day, wake up to use the bathroom, and sleep again until my parents got home. I don't do this anymore, and thankfully can now fall asleep unaided, but there's this feeling.

Every time I'm supposed to open my eyes (my job starts early) I have this weight on me. An unbearable dread. I feel like I'm back in my childhood bedroom. Right after the shooting. And if I open my eyes, it's real.

I've done everything. Loud alarms, gentle alarms, color-changing lights... Some days I have no issue getting up at the first alarm and others I need to take an hour of PTO to stop feeling so terrible at the start of the day.

I used to be a dependable person, and after putting in years of work, I'd like to say I've gotten closer to who I was before. But sometimes I look at my meeting calendar and start worrying I'm going to lose my job one of these days.

Thank you for reading. Genuinely.

 

[Sideways]

I’m so sensitive to poor sleep - everything falls apart really quickly for me when my sleep is off, so I really feel you. Honestly, at this point my entire daily structure is based around good sleep hygiene, and I’m completely obsessive about it!!

Have you considered maybe getting a sleep study done, or talked to your doctor about things you could add/remove that might help?

 

[Movingforward10]

Maybe it's not the sleep that is the issue or even really the waking up, but the feelings on waking up.

Have you tried counter messages? When you wake up and it feels like you are back there after that first initial nap. Can you remind yourself where you are now and it is safe now?

What works for other triggers?


It is real and it did happen. So the feeling that it is real might need attending to? So that it lessens on waking up?

 

[Ecdysis]

Have you tried Prazosin? It's supposed to be the most helpful med re PTSD and nightmares.

Also, have you tried EMDR? It can be massively helpful,, especially for single incident trauma