Old, Fat, & Broken

[Friday]

I’ve felt this way, periodically, since I was 25… So I know it’s not 100% accurate/reliable.

There’s still truth behind it.

Broken, all by itself, ain’t so bad. Broken things can be useful, even pretty. Just look at stained glass. Getting to choose to make new pictures outta shards. I’ve made my peace with broken a loooong damn time ago.

Fat is a temporary state of affairs, assuming I don’t die before I can fix it. And his current round of being fat is half water weight, every time I’ve gone on antibiotics this year I deflate like a balloon, so there’s some kind of infection running in the background hoarding fluids. The rest? Is a byproduct of whatever is f*cking with my back, and right side of my body. So I can’t even do business of living stuff during the day, most days, much less work/play to keep fit. Once we figure out WTF is wrong with me? I can get my body back. Have to get my body back. But right now? Is just not in the cards. No matter how much of my identity, and my life, centers around physicality.

Old, meanwhile, is just gonna keep coming. I felt old at 25. I feel old at 40.

I missed out on some cool opportunities when I was 25, because I thought I was too old, that I know people my age now and older just starting. So even though old’s only gonna be getting worse? And one does legitimately age out of a whole helluva lotta things? The blinders, are bullshit.

But there’s something of an unholy trinity with old, fat, & broken. Equals Useless. Take out behind the barn and shoot, useless. Let die in a gutter, useless. Of no value, nor ever any chance of being so, again. Useless. Old, fat, and broken.

 

[Rose White]

Maybe some Buddhist non-attachment work? “Desire is the root of all suffering” type of work? The illusions of control and ownership? Thinking of those Buddhist and Hindu gurus who are old fat and broken but smiling and teaching.

 

[arfie]

Broken, all by itself, ain’t so bad. Broken things can be useful, even pretty.

mosaics are my personal favorite broken art. my favorite shoes and shirts are my favorite example of broken comfort. those holes are bothering you more than they are bothering me, my uncomfortable diva.

Old, meanwhile, is just gonna keep coming. I felt old at 25. I feel old at 40.

methinks i feel younger at almost 69 than i felt as a 16 year old prostitute. i certainly feel less abused. no, this is not my second childhood. it's my first childhood and i'm loving it. fact is, those are feelings, not facts.

the fat part i'm clueless and even envious of. been underweight my entire life. yes, i wish you could have my problem, too. still. . . having zero padding to protect me on a fall doesn't feel like an improvement on the theme. losing weight is horrific to my senses. it takes me sooooo long to gain even a pound.

buttttttttaaaaa. . . i take feeling old, broken and fragile as a sign that i need an attitude adjustment. gratitude lists are my favorite attitude adjuster before i go out and play with my four-legged asses. i love my donkeys.

 

[scout86]

Of no value, nor ever any chance of being so, again. Useless.

What gives a person value? (Serious question. I'm sure there are lots of answers.) I've always thought that what gives me value is what I can do for people. I'm not totally sure that's right though.

One of my best friends just turned 80. (It's kind of freaking her out.) She had a stroke about 10 years ago and is in a wheelchair. She's a person who was always out and about. She's a musician and an artist. Or was when she had 2 hands that worked. She says she's unless and may as well be dead. I hate that she feels that way. Besides,to me she's plenty useful, she's my friend.

Going back to what gives a person value, I can almost hear my old T going, "You might want to find a better way of thinking about that." You too @Friday . I don't actually have an answer (yet?). But, somehow it seems like a person's value shouldn't be about age or physical ability. You make valuable contributions here and age and physical ability have nothing to do with it. IDK, I'd like to think we can reinvent ourselves over and over again. What do you want to be in the next evolution?

 

[MrMoonlight]

Sorry you are feeling all those things...I have a tendency to believe all the lies I tell myself too. It's an awful place to be.

I've gained a lot of weight recently. My doctor is prescribing Ozempic so hopefully that will aid in some weight loss.

Anyway try to fight those negative thoughts because you really are worth it ..you are an amazing person any way you dice it.

 

[intothelight]

@Friday I so relate to what you have written, especially with all of my illness that past few years. I have felt like a burden to my family due to the level of care that I need, to society as I am expensive to keep alive, and just to myself as I don't ever know what kind of body I am going to have from day-to-day. Old, yup 62 but even that is relative as I have friends that are much older that are out there making a mark and a difference in the world and run circles around people half their age. Not fat, but skeletal and can't keep the up with rehabbing weight and muscle with the aggressive chemo....the disappearing woman or at time I feel like more of something the mortician forgot to bury. Broken is so true as the PTSD broke my mind, my emotions can be broken and now the cancer has broken my body in so many ways that I can't even count any more.

However, I had to stop that train of thought and not just look at myself, but outside and to the people that I matter to. It was in the fact that I am a human being and just being me, that I jave worth to so many around me. Not in terms of what society measures, but true human worth in my relationships and those that love me. I can still think and speak and share so there is the ability to love, support, encourage, laugh, etc. and connect on a truly human level. I have a lifetime, or perhaps several different lives of experiences to share as there is a wisdom that comes with age. As a society we don't value the life experience and wisdom of our elders as other societies and that doesn't help feelings of being useless. However, my adult children as they have their own children do appreciate what I share.

I guess the only thing is when the thoughts come and the questions of self-worth arise, it is a matter of fighting the thoughts as they come and just finding new a different ways to value ourselves. Not easy....

 

[Rose White]

a matter of fighting the thoughts as they come

Agree. These thoughts

old, fat, & broken. Equals Useless. Take out behind the barn and shoot, useless. Let die in a gutter, useless. Of no value, nor ever any chance of being so, again.

Are cognitive distortions. Lies. Based on old narratives from… culture? Family? Bad influences? Only you can determine where they come from. But we can see that they are distorted thinking, plain old lies.

 

[Movingforward10]

One person's fat is another's skinny.
One person's old is another's younger.
So: is there a way of shifting the perception?

What does 'old' mean anyways? Old for what?
I come back this quote someone somewhere, on their 100th birthday, said, which was something like "if I had started to learn the violin when I was 40 (rather than thinking I am too old), I could have said now that I have played the violin for 60 years".

These messages of too fat, old and broken are mean messages. Tell them where to go and show them your fabulousness.

 

[Tinyflame]

I too am sorry you are feeling this @Friday . But I know you are a Thinker and a Doer so it's no surprise to me. This:

But there’s something of an unholy trinity with old, fat, & broken. Equals Useless. Take out behind the barn and shoot, useless. Let die in a gutter, useless. Of no value, nor ever any chance of being so, again. Useless. Old, fat, and broken.

is what I meant when I wrote in another thread. No, if everyone is intertwined in ways we cannot imagine, and if some thoughts make us forget what we mean to others, or what we do for others ( a word, a kindness, an understanding, support, standing up for someone, even to strangers), such as @scout said:

Besides,to me she's plenty useful, she's my friend.

We can define ourselves our whole life by what we physically do or accomplish, as @intothelight said, to view it:

I have friends that are much older that are out there making a mark and a difference in the world

But, more- if not most importantly, this is so true:

However, I had to stop that train of thought and not just look at myself, but outside and to the people that I matter to. It was in the fact that I am a human being and just being me, that I have worth to so many around me. Not in terms of what society measures, but true human worth in my relationships and those that love me. I can still think and speak and share so there is the ability to love, support, encourage, laugh, etc. and connect on a truly human level.

And, as @Movingforward10 said very mean messages that lead to feeling great despair.

Personally I don't care about peoples' weights or ages, but I totally get how it 'feels'. I too have felt old before I got there. This situation with your body is a great grief and challenge to ride through.

I apologize as don't mean this to minimize, but my 1st reaction reading the thread title from Friday (????) was almost laughable. I thought, you've got to be kidding. (?) Reading I understand, but even knowing you only through words/ support/ guidance/ humour- your being and essence and intelligence and heart- you have more value, more 'usefulness', more energy, than most people in their baby finger. And that wonderful wisdom and heart to boot. Your body is on your side (doesn't seem so, I know), so hopefully this will be resolved for the better. But the only words I could think of associated to me with your name was Vivacious and Vitality.

FWIW I heard (paraphrasing) Sinead O'Connor said her son was the love of her life,.. and a lamp to her soul. He died by suicide a year before, and likely with his challenges couldn't see himself that way. You are very much that light to others, even if it is a different way of giving and being, for now. And to have to cope with that and persevere might be one of the hardest things you've ever done, I am guessing. But I hope you will recognize for what it is and not believe bullsh*t that leads you to grief and such self-recriminations. I think they exist like a smokescreen or decoy to detract you from seeing or knowing or believing your value here, on the Forum, in your family and on Earth, (And yes I know it takes something to go from head to heart.)

JMHO as one who's suffered some similarities, and has accomplished far less than you, just by you being (unique) you. IMO atm you have no idea of your value- you can't see yourself as others do, but it is immense. Doesn't mean it's wrong to feel it, just means you're at a time it's tempting to let it sway you. It's more like, what's the word-?, propaganda than truth.

 

[Weemie]

This may just be your reality right now! I'm an old soul, too. I just had my birthday yesterday, I am 32 and I thought I would die before I hit 20. I feel 2,000. A lot of my growth as a person has come from realistically accepting that I am disabled, and that I have limitations that I will never be able to overcome, and that this is OK.

It is OK to be a disabled person. Capitalism is fundamentally baked into our society, to the point that we feel we need to "earn a living." Literally earning the right to be alive - but I don't agree with this, anymore. It's OK not to be producing. You still have value, and worth. You have intrinsic capital, intrinsic value, that comes from simply being a sentient human. It's irrespective of what you look like, what you believe, how you act, and what your job is. You deserve to be alive, you are worthy of life.

Some people aren't. Not every human being can be trusted with the responsibility of existing in society. Some people simply cause irrevocable damage and harm and horror with every breath, and those people? If they died, most of us wouldn't shed many tears. It fits into determinism for me - I do not judge them. They were born with damaged neurobiology, damaged genetics, and destructive tendencies that annihilated everything in their path the same way bacteria eats at an amoeba. There are destructive forces in this universe, that's just the nature of entropy.

But you are not one of those people. You have proven that with your words - these words describe the actions of someone who can exist with others, in ways that do not damage them. Which means that all these things: old, fat, ugly, broken, miserable, worthless, unemployed, expendable... they're not applicable to you. What has helped me has been learning to accept my reality as a disabled person, that there are things I just cannot do - that other people can, that other people may not understand why I can't do them - and that I am still valuable.

Because I can exist peacefully with others, because I can interact beneficially with others, because I am able to find activities that bring me pleasure and gratification. My reason for living is like, watching Star Trek and playing My Time at Portia. It's simple, and that's fine. It is valuable! Last night I talked to someone who was suicidal for about 10 hours in a row. I don't need a pat on the back, but that's something beneficial I've done that would not have been accomplished if I didn't exist. That's value. The other day I laughed with a friend over some dumb-ass memes. That's laughter, that's joy. That's value.

You post on here and help others and provide information to them all the time, even if that was the only thing you ever accomplish in the next 20 years? That's worth a good, full life. Sorry if this missed the mark in any way, just noodled it around some and blurted out a bunch of nonsense! Disregard if none of this is applicable/helpful as always. You are a kick-ass human bean, FJ, and you are beloved.

 

[user27357]

Feeling much of what you express myself. Sorry you feel it too. Nothing much to offer except that i am realizing that knowing more people just means knowing more people that have similar problems, or worse, and it makes me feel human, not stricken. I think we get separated from each other sitting at our computers doing our jobs, alone, sitting in our cars, alone, watching tv, alone, even most social media is done while alone and if we are in contact with people we wish we were near it is even more divisive.
I let myself talk to strangers more now, after covid, and I find we are more alike than not most if the time. I went way too long without risking the vulnerability of starting meaningfull conversations with people i didn’t know, many years after working as a first responder I didnt want to know any more people than i had to.
I think it is something our grandparents had that we dont have, the details of other peoples struggles. Having just a little bit more of It makes me feel like broken is just a thing to have in common with others, fat is just a thing some people are and some people aren’t and old is just a useless way to count how many times we have been around the block that says nothing about what we garnered from the trips.
YOU are a valuable person in my journey. Gotta be WAY more important in the lives of the people you are in direct contact with.
Get more of them as you can and maybe you will get a different look in the mirror, less critical when you see yourself as just another one of us.

 

[Friday]

Not able to respond, right now, although I’ve started to several times But I did just want to drop a note to say thanks to all who have responded, and I’ll get back in touch shortly.