Old habits die hard, when will the self sabotage end?

[Ash_3]

So my college classes began on the 24th. I'm only taking 2 classes this semester because it's all that I could mentally handle and it's only been 1 week of classes and I already couldn't go to my first one today. I just had no motivation or desire to get up. Even worse my courses are online! The amount of effort required of me is so minimal but I just couldn't do it. I don't know how I expect to succeed when I'm really struggling. I just feel as though I can't function like a human anymore.

 

[TruthSeeker]

So my college classes began on the 24th. I'm only taking 2 classes this semester because it's all that I could mentally handle and it's only been 1 week of classes and I already couldn't go to my first one today. I just had no motivation or desire to get up. Even worse my courses are online! The amount of effort required of me is so minimal but I just couldn't do it. I don't know how I expect to succeed when I'm really struggling. I just feel as though I can't function like a human anymore.

Can you have a survival conversation with the part of you that wants and need to succeed with the part that is unmotivated, or wished to see you fail.........but when I've been in that circumstance, where part of me is self sabotaging, I have to find a way to get all of the self working together towards a common goal....in this case.....being regular about school and reward the part of me that is self-sabotaging-give it wants which is not to work....but just delay it until a certain time in the evening. In my case...my reward was the comfort of the bed. When I'm in my bed, no one expects anything and I do only what I want.

The bed was also my go to place to sabotage...not get anything done.....nothing but sleep or surviving is accomplished in bed. Living isn't happening in bed-alone. Since sleeping and tose warm soft covers are highly reinforcing......but not helpful right now, when I felt like that, I set my alarm in the morning, when it went off, I made myself get out of the bed-it was non-negotiable....I physically got out of bed no matter how bad I felt. Next, I made the bed, and didn't allow myself back in bed before I did the list of things that had to be done on that day which first included eating and meds....so I'd have energy to get thru the day (not eating 3 squares becomes an issue then it leads to vitamin deficiency for me)....which leads to poor iron, anemia, and a physical inability to get stuff done....sending me where? Back to bed. You can even choose to reward yourself daily with something special....bubble bath, kayak trip, bike ride, walk outside, art time, etc. after you get your classwork and studying done.

I made a rule...no bedtime before 8pm and all online stuff was done in another room (that is so much more productive-and sets a boundary for work vs play).....but then, I made bedtime 8pm something to look forward to....a nice dinner, dessert Yasso fudge bars, watched favorite movies, texted and phoned my friends (social time), and moved my laptop into bedroom to play card games, come to myptsd, etc. So, work was first, and reward was in bed.....doing whatever I wanted....but not till a set time. I managed that well because it gave me a schedule.... and I felt a sense of accomplishment when I climbed back into bed and some pride for having done what was on the list (in your case....schoolwork)....but you won't feel pride if you don't do it ..and pride reinforces itself....you'll be more inclined to get up and study if you accomplish it making a positive cycle for yourself....

I felt rewarded with the down time, and when I was done for the day, I had something to look forward to.......I ate dinner even in bed, sometimes or popcorn and a movie. I find the bed....a safe, secure place, where nothing but rest is expected....so that's important....that down time. But if you stay in bed or choose to not work or work in bed, that becomes the norm....what you expect of yourself....and you'll be hard-pressed to succeed with low expectations....no plan for how to accomplish your studying....and no daily schedule.

You have spent good money for classes. I think you can manage two classes if you really want to succeed. Do you? How might you create a schedule so you have work expectations......considered "have tos" and play expectations? What things are naturally rewarding to you....good rewards for making a good effort in schoolwork? You got this....I know.....Good luck in school!

 

[Klanala]

Please try to set goals . Even small ones. Break them down into tasks and sub tasks. When I was I back in my own apt in july 2014 recovering from a craniotomy and bacterial meningitis of my brain I did this. Now I am engaged have a dog a cat am a sars cov 2 survivor. My fiance is a trauma survivor too. We have had some rocky moments but are working on communication and stress issues. I had to set firm boundaries with negative people in my life. I relearned medical and psychological knowledge I lost beginning in july 2014. You are worth it and I know you can do it.

 

[Movingforward10]

Does any tutor on your college course know what you are going through and can you get support?

 

[Mach123]

Thx I don’t know. I’m very afraid of it myself and, I want to think it’s better but, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to think that. Many. I see it as a real core of the problems I have with other people.

My perceptions of others, interactions with them, of what happened. Me thinking about how others feel and think about me.
So easy for me to make things not be ok.

 

[RussellSue]

Is there any chance of finding a way to take asynchronous courses next time? That's how I did distance learning and it worked out very well for me as I didn't have the added strain of having to show my face to anyone at any time. I know there were plenty of days, especially in the beginning, when that would have been too much for me.

What to do in the meantime is probably better left to others.

 

[PandaPower]

I found the disabiltiy services in my college very helpful. The coordinator would work with me to ask for extensions if i needed them and premailed my peofessors so they were mentally prepared for thefact that i would need extensions. They also linked with me a coach type person who would meet with me weekly to set little bite sized goals..and just in general be a supportive calming presence in my life (she was this hippie lady with white hair ). Do check to see if theres a disability coordinator available, if you havent already. In my case there were many more supports available than i was aware of. Andptsd inthe us does entitle you to use the disability office.