On The Waiting List

[trying to heal]

So i managed to get in to see my T this morning. Although my SI thoughts are still being intrusive she has ranked my risk level at high but not extreme at the moment.

We began the paperwork for me to be admitted to the sub acute ward but there is a stack of paperwork and meetings and such that have to happen first and average waiting time is 2 weeks. I also have to attend a sort of interview to see if im appropriate for the program.

My T and i began trying to unpack my fear of her leaving me/ saying i can no longer see her. It is so hard to turn the voices in my head off that keep telling me crap. We did some thought challenging but voices were still pretty loud.

Im still nervous about tomorrow as that is the date id set for me to die. I still cant see past that day but im somehow in a less dark place than i was last week.

Not sure if anyone else gets this but sometimes when i feel happy ( hmm too strong a word here but not aure whatvti replace it with) or normal it feels wrong. Like maybe im just making all this stuff up or blowing tbings our of proportion. I cant comprehend how i can one minute feel its time to go and another time that im ok. My T and i talked a little about this but it still feels weird.

My plans for tomorrow is to try and distract myself as much as possible.

 

[hodge]

Keep up your plans for tomorrow! Please!

 

[Joan]

Thinking about you today...keep up that distraction...take sweet care of yourself. I went into residential treatment for 4 months when I was suicidal and it was the best thing...I went kicking and screaming, but glad I did it.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

So i managed to get in to see my T this morning. Although my SI thoughts are still being intrusive she...

So i managed to get in to see my T this morning. Although my SI thoughts are still being intrusive she...

@Cyadavies please continue to reach out here as you have just done; and I personally believe when I am feeling ongoing suicidal thoughts and made a date to do so (harm myself) that this is serious business and it sounds like you have taken appropriate action through your therapist, and sub acute ward @Cyadavies. Through therapy I have been able to slow down (hope SI thoughts will completely stop) suicidal thoughts through EMDR Therapy. Over past decades, I had been admitted to psych. wards (plural); one in particular for I believe a 2 1/2 wk. self-admit and I have also had many different rx's prescribed and ingested since the mid 80's, had D.B.T.; and therapies i.e. cognitive therapy; (never tried somatic - don't know much about this); and a myriad of different psychiatrists, psychologists, L.C.S.W.'s, and now an emdr dr. trauma specialist (35 yrs. experience) and the only tx that has ever (recent) helped in slowing down the SI is EMDR Therapy precious one.

Tomorrow is my 8th emdr session; and I have been stalling in emdr therapy and trying not to deal with the worst of the past extreme trauma that comes up during emdr sessions. During emdr sessions during intervals after dr. momentarily turns emdr light board off, I am only speaking of the least of the extreme traumas to the therapist. And in doing so, I am only allowing the less extreme memories to be processed and reprogrammed through each session. By only telling emdr specialist the lesser of the extreme violent and torturous events that surface during emdr sessions (utilizing the eye following the light travelling - box) that come up along with the worst of the worst, I am not dealing with the worst of the worst that has me crippled and I must only try tomorrow to along with lesser extreme traumas that surface during session, to deal with the most extreme past traumas that also surface and tell the truth to dr. and speak the unspeakable violent traumas along with the lesser violent incidents. In another words, I must deal with the worst of the worst and stop trying to prevent the most extreme incidents from re-surfacing and I must allow them to surface and only try only try to deal with each of them as they come and not shove them back down. Specialist has no idea I've been doing these past several session with him. Oh, again how I dread this. I have not been dx'd with DID and you talk about voices. I have one voice up in my head and I tell it shut the - up - when necessary. Please know that all members here recognize, and also relate fully to your post. You are here for a reason, and you have help here - all you need to do is to try to continue to reach out as you have already done.

In my past (and a few recent) torturous memories and nightmares, there are a multitude of less extreme memories, yet I must also when the multitude of most extreme trauma memories and nightmares surface during sessions - I must begin to try - only try to deal and be honest and deal with the violent pain when these extreme memories and nightmares surface during therapy sessions . Oh, how I dread it and oh how I don't want to do this. No. Very painful, yet if there is a chance that the self-destructive voice will stop or be lessed with death messages I will work hard (hope you will to) and continue to push on in recovery. I am in recovery. Use to be adrift in a sea of SI and self-hate thoughts, etc. Have been trying so hard to not allow my mind to go there (extreme trauma) while light board is on (during emdr sessions) and running lights back and forth, etc. Can't keep this up. I will have to try to begin to allow the most vicious and violent memories and real trauma nightmares - as they surface during emdr session - be processed and reprogrammed too, or I will never ever have any peace from the (especially during the holidays) SI and the traumatizing nightmare memories of my past nor the negative self-talk that emdr is helping (my sister remembers all and will not speak with me) because of this.

I always take SI serious and I tell about them to professionals; I also have made a verbal contract not to commit suicide until after I have spoken with therapist and other care professionals, and friends. I have this pact and I will not break it. My mind lies to me about SI yet these thoughts are as real to me as any others.

Please continue @Cydavies to speak about what your brain (voice(s?) are telling you; always let light shine on the darkness, always, another words do not allow SI thoughts to remain in darkness - share all of them all of your SI, and negative messages being fed to you by your brain because of your traumatic history, beloved one. There is no healing and help ever going to be there for me (you) any of us when I listen to voice that unsuccessfully tries to tell me that what I might perceive as - blowing things out of proportion, or as just crap - is actually your brain asking for help and I (we) must reach out each time for help to someone and tell about the morbid SI thoughts.

We who suffer with ptsd try and reach out for help as you have done - here on this magnificent forum and also through your (our) therapist those that need/have one. And until you are admitted into sub acute ward, keep talking here in this forum. Keep sharing and allowing members here (each member here is at different levels in ptsd recovery and members here are able to only try to help by sharing their experience, strength, and hope) and are extremely knowledgeable in all areas re: ptsd, and you will make it to the sub acute ward by utilizing this forum and asking questions and continuing to try again to reach for help, until you are admitted; and we are all here for you @Cydavies.

Are there no other faster admit in-patient programs when SI - where you are other than this one that makes you wait for at least 2 wks. prior to admission? Seems like there would be a quicker intake for SI. There certainly is here. Perhaps you prefer this particular sub acute ward. Otherwise, hope you check out and try and see if there are any other quicker SI intake wards, hospitals @Cydavies. And tomorrow is a day for you to come on-line here and reach out to us (me) all of us here. I have free will (choice) today every day, every minute and at times every second on whether or not I want to leave. And I choose only up to this point in time - to stay and face demons (extreme trauma) in treatment; this is what I choose - to stay this moment, this minute, this day and work in recovery from this hellish gift that keeps on giving. I want to try to find some peace through therapy, and I will try to never every give up.

And I have a range of emotions from joy to sadness to darkness and gloom, and from what I've read here in this forum, it is pretty standard for those of us dealing with ptsd to have all of these emotions some at the same time, and others popping in and out of the mind (brain). My mind at times says time to leave, at other times I seem to be *ok*. So try, only try not to beat the living daylights out of yourself as I too have been so extremelly hard on myself, and emdr therapy is reprogramming my brain to stop saying things like - time to leave; I am ugly; I have nothing to live for - Lies, lies, and more lies from the sick programming and excruciating trauma "caregivers" did/did not provide for me. Have you ever had emdr therapy? Some it works for, some it doesn't @Cydavies.

What are some of the methods in which you distract yourself? Do you have a list of things i.e. movies, books, art (I make jewelry); and there are distractions that will not allow while we are involved in these distractions - the SI voice to be heard. When very distressed and unable to escape The Lies brain tells - I take naps, and I watch action-packed DVD's and I call a friend, and I make jewelry. I go for a walk. I go to a healthy center where there is exercise, food, and companionship. I go to church. I will not let "caregivers" whom most all of them are now deceased - sick messages of death, and destruction win. I will not live in despair and hopelessness anymore alone. When there are so many amazing members here that will encourage, educate, and support me (you) as I (we) as we continue to reach out to one another. In giving a hug, one usually (in person face to face) gets a hug back) and happens here too encourage another member and get out of yourself this also is a good distractive method and you are helping someone here to try and deal with their ptsd as well. Go into the forum and threads and reply to those who are as you an me are struggling too. This will also take you out of yourself, and trying to help another with ptsd. for I love all of these beloved members of myptsd.com. (((hugs))) and more (((hugs))) JadesJewel

 

[trying to heal]

Are there no other faster admit in-patient programs when SI - where you are other than this one that makes you wait for at least 2 wks. prior to admission?

My T is trying to avoid me having to go to the acute unit. My GP is now also on the same page with my T and is trying to fast track my admittance but to date have not heard from anyone so..... ?? just left here waiting.

My GP doubled my olanzapine dosage yesterday which knocked me out for about 5 hours during the day which probably was a good thing. Due to the huge amount of emotional distress, my immune system took a nose dive and so have a case of bronchitis on top of everything else ... coughing/wheezing = not sleeping properly at night ..all in all just feeling blahhh

What are some of the methods in which you distract yourself? Do you have a list of things i.e. movies, books, art (I make jewelry); and there are distractions that will not allow while we are involved in these distractions - the SI voice to be heard.

At the moment my distractions include binge-watching TV and playing games on PC or listening to an audio book.

 

[trying to heal]

So I saw my T again yesterday... still on the waiting list to get into the program. Was told they are very busy at the moment and this time she did not guarantee I will hear from them anytime soon. Was so distressed yesterday but today I'm trying to just move on and live a little more in the hope that by the time I am admitted I will be in a better frame of mind.

Also was told that they won't admit anyone who has a high-risk category for self-harm/suicide. Because SI is not a permanent emotion but ebbs and wade at the moment I feel like I am at a low risk as I am feeling much safer than I was this time last week.

A new concern for me that is niggling through all my thoughts is that I need to be in the program for 28 days but I also need to be ready to go back to uni by the end of next month. I am in my final year of my degree and if I have to postpone this semester than it is going to take another 6 months and the thought of being stuck here for another 18 months is overwhelmingly distressing.

My T and I are working on getting me out of this depression/compression episode so I have mini goals to achieve including twice daily mindfulness meditation and making myself go out and connect and be social.

Just want to thank everyone who responded to my posts over the last couple of weeks. This forum and my T have undoubtedly helped me come out of that dark and scary place that is SI and now I am beginning the journey to healing again.

One thing I felt bad about during my session is that my T feels responsible for my nosedive into depression as she feels that she began to work on trauma stuff when I was not ready. I think I was mostly to blame because I was asking to start to deal with some of the trauma stuff and so I don't see her at fault at all. On the one hand, I know now that there is a huge amount of recovery work to deal with but also scary that just lifting the topmost level of trauma caused such a massive spiral what else is in there and will I survive delving into it?