squeedle
Learning
Just the word "diary" is intimidating to me: expressing my thoughts and feelings, and in a public place, to boot! After a lifetime of being judged by myself and others......
In 2 and a half hours it will be 2022. I'm horribly lonely and bored, as usual, at the holidays, but what I am not feeling is completely obliterated by my "Holiday Hell." This year, I have been less triggered! I can still feel the terror and trauma of what happened 50 years ago, but I have an occasional respite where I can actually hear my inner adult guiding me instead of just the traumatized kids either screaming or gone catatonic.
(I don't have DID, but have long been aware of having kids of different ages inside of me who hold the secrets of what horrific things have been done to me growing up. I adore these brave warriors who are so sweet and funny! I don't have actual children- the 5-6 traumatized ones I live with inside are plenty enough, thank you!)
Christmas is a trigger for me. Actually it starts in October as we approach Nov and Dec which are all about family. I am usually in a cPTSD kind of fugue/ fog. Each year it has gotten better, and this year I'm actually already starting to come out of it. But I feel the panic just around the edges. Often it's mid-January before I can function again.
My feelings have been getting more clear and more intense the past 6 months. My kids are telling me more about what the assorted abuses were like. And this week they yelled "Stop!" to the tv when an animal abuse commercial came on. It was like 2 years ago when I heard myself yell "No" to someone as my inner parent spoke up to protect me/us. And now I've heard my kids speak up for themselves! It's amazing to know and see myself healing and growing even as I suffer the worst during the year.
Anyway, my kids have been absolutely pissed this year because they don't ever get a Christmas. The entire world gets a special holiday with food, gifts, joy, peace on earth, singing, lots of different cookies, etc., and what do I get every year? TRIGGERED! I get to spend 2 to 3 months in a semi-dissociative state where I have to avoid people and society just to survive. I surprise myself every year by not killing myself. Oh, the agony my kids hold! How did they/ I ever survive it?
I do try to enjoy the winter solstice and do a few small holiday-ish things, but for my kids, it is never enough. They are always SO disappointed! Sometimes we cut out paper snowflakes; this year we did a lot of online Christmas jigsaw puzzles while listening to instrumental holiday music. I buy myself a few small gifts, but I never bother to wrap them. My kids would love to tear open packages Christmas morning. Maybe next year, if I can remember to do it extra early, like in June.
And here it is one week later when we're all making plans for the new year, promising ourselves to do better. So much Hope only 7 days after an anniversary of torture. Come on, people, I need more time to recover than that!
I started texting jokes to my T.
Today's was "May all our troubles last as long as our resolutions do."
(now it's one and a half hours to 2022. maybe I'll go to bed.)
In 2 and a half hours it will be 2022. I'm horribly lonely and bored, as usual, at the holidays, but what I am not feeling is completely obliterated by my "Holiday Hell." This year, I have been less triggered! I can still feel the terror and trauma of what happened 50 years ago, but I have an occasional respite where I can actually hear my inner adult guiding me instead of just the traumatized kids either screaming or gone catatonic.
(I don't have DID, but have long been aware of having kids of different ages inside of me who hold the secrets of what horrific things have been done to me growing up. I adore these brave warriors who are so sweet and funny! I don't have actual children- the 5-6 traumatized ones I live with inside are plenty enough, thank you!)
Christmas is a trigger for me. Actually it starts in October as we approach Nov and Dec which are all about family. I am usually in a cPTSD kind of fugue/ fog. Each year it has gotten better, and this year I'm actually already starting to come out of it. But I feel the panic just around the edges. Often it's mid-January before I can function again.
My feelings have been getting more clear and more intense the past 6 months. My kids are telling me more about what the assorted abuses were like. And this week they yelled "Stop!" to the tv when an animal abuse commercial came on. It was like 2 years ago when I heard myself yell "No" to someone as my inner parent spoke up to protect me/us. And now I've heard my kids speak up for themselves! It's amazing to know and see myself healing and growing even as I suffer the worst during the year.
Anyway, my kids have been absolutely pissed this year because they don't ever get a Christmas. The entire world gets a special holiday with food, gifts, joy, peace on earth, singing, lots of different cookies, etc., and what do I get every year? TRIGGERED! I get to spend 2 to 3 months in a semi-dissociative state where I have to avoid people and society just to survive. I surprise myself every year by not killing myself. Oh, the agony my kids hold! How did they/ I ever survive it?
I do try to enjoy the winter solstice and do a few small holiday-ish things, but for my kids, it is never enough. They are always SO disappointed! Sometimes we cut out paper snowflakes; this year we did a lot of online Christmas jigsaw puzzles while listening to instrumental holiday music. I buy myself a few small gifts, but I never bother to wrap them. My kids would love to tear open packages Christmas morning. Maybe next year, if I can remember to do it extra early, like in June.
And here it is one week later when we're all making plans for the new year, promising ourselves to do better. So much Hope only 7 days after an anniversary of torture. Come on, people, I need more time to recover than that!
I started texting jokes to my T.
Today's was "May all our troubles last as long as our resolutions do."
(now it's one and a half hours to 2022. maybe I'll go to bed.)