Only took 50 years to deal with my abuse.

[somerandomguy]

Nice! ?

 

[PTSDGuy]

I'm not sure why, but I finished Leaving Neverland... There were certain things that felt like a punch in the stomach, but lots of things that I connected with. Two things stuck with me... One was how I identified with both of the guys - one is way farther along in his healing than the other. I want to be the guy who is so together, but everything the guy who is still struggling talked about resonated with me...

The other thing that stuck with me - OK, really bugged me was when they talked with one of the "experts".... I had to deal with that "expert" years ago, and am still angry at how he treated me. I had just started to deal with my abuse, and was overwhelmed by everything.

I was involved in an organization, and got attacked and told I was a thief by this "expert" at a Conference that I helped set up... All because I didn't feel safe staying in a hotel room with a stranger. He came up to me at the Conference and told me I trying to steal money from them, even though they had agreed when I told them why I needed it. They refused to pay for my room that they had said was fine earlier. After I had worked with them for a year.

I felt like my life was falling apart... Like I had been kicked in the stomach...I ended up sitting outside the conference on the ground falling to pieces... He and another "expert", walked out, stared at me, and walked back in - leaving me sobbing for hours... No support, no discussion, nothing... I had to pay for everything myself later.

It took me until a few months ago to write to them and tell them how what they did was abusive... and their only comment was "We disagree".

So to see him in the video just pissed me off... ?

 

[PTSDGuy]

I'm such a f*cking mess... I'm having a really hard time...

Yesterday I found out that I can apply to a Criminal Injuries Board where I grew up for Compensation for being abused.... At first I was really excited, because there's no time limit for sexual abuse... Then I realized I have no proof, other than my diagnosis and tons of therapy... It's not like there would be medical records from back then.... Even if there were, I don't think I ended up in the hospital... So there's nothing...

I talked to them on the phone, and they told me that I should apply.... I have the forms... you can apply with only psychiatry and psychological reports... when I started to read the forms, I ended up in a flashback...

I started remembering more stuff.... Like my mother being involved... I can't handle it... It's like what was left of my childhood just got blown up. I wish they'd just have killed me. Instead they destroyed the rest of my life.

The last time I felt like this was when I got hypnotized years ago and first remembered my father abusing me... I ran away from it for 20 years... I want to be hiding.... I want to disappear. I don't want to put the pieces together... I don't want things I always remembered to make sense... I want to get on a plane and fly away - anywhere... I just want all this to go away...

I haven't called myself names in months... All last night I went from sobbing uncontrollably to attacking myself... My life is collapsing around me...

I think I'm going insane... I had a three hour flashback last night.... and woke up this morning seeing and feeling it all again. I had to stop when I was driving to work, because I started falling apart again.... Just writing this, I'm shaking. I have EMDR this aft... and I'm terrified to go... I can't handle dealing with this... I just can't...

 

[PTSDGuy]

Just got back from EMDR, or what should have been EMDR... Spent the whole time raging, and sobbing over how at this point, my childhood was stolen... and somehow in the middle of it all, I started laughing over how much I swear... I probably swore 5 times in my first 50 something years... Now, every sentence includes f*ck . It just seemed so absurd to suddenly think of it while I was having a flashback of being abused...

I'm not sure how long it will last, but I'm semi-functional at least now....

 

[somerandomguy]

Some things to try to ground yourself:
Eating hard candy
Smelling your scents
Touching something soft
Remembering what year it is - literally looking at a calendar if you have to
Noticing where you are

New T had me write an index card and carry it around with me. I don't look at it very often - just knowing it's there is usually enough. Mine says:
You are safe
You are a good person
You are an adult
There is nothing to be afraid of
There is nothing wrong with you

Can you come up with some phrases to put on an index card?

 

[PTSDGuy]

I'm not sure what I'd put on a card, but it sounds like a good idea... Off the top of my mind, I can think of a few things:

They're dead.
I am safe.
It's 2019.
Flashbacks always end.
It wasn't my fault.

My therapist also told me that I might want to work on not calling myself names this week. I hadn't done that in months, but I started attacking myself again during this latest mess.

I have little bottles of scent all over the place, so I can just grab one if I'm falling apart... One in the car, one in the living room, one in the bedroom.. I noticed when I'm in the middle of a flashback I can't even move to get one out of a drawer, so they're now within easy reach instead.

When they said EMDR sometimes makes things worse before they get better, I thought, "yeah, yeah, how bad can it be?"... I think I have my answer now. But somehow, even during all of this, I'd rather be where I am now mentally than where I was a few years ago...

Thanks, @somerandomguy - as usual :hug:

 

[PTSDGuy]

Hey, @Chris-duck, I really appreciate you checking out my "ramblings" too...

Seeing you've read my whining all the time means a lot to me when I'm overwhelmed and crashing... And when I'm calmer, like now, I can step back and appreciate your support... :hug:

 

[Chris-duck]

No worries :) sorry I've not had many actual words to offer! I'm reading along though :)

And glad you're feeling a bit calmer just now :hug:

 

[PTSDGuy]

OK, survived EMDR and therapy. It's funny, the new stuff I remembered made me feel like my life was falling apart, but it isn't bothering me as much at this point. It still floors me, but it just sort of feels like one more f*cked up thing in my childhood....I guess spending two sessions falling apart was good for my brain... Next week back to EMDR during EMDR (!)

 

[littleoc]

Awesome :)

 

[PTSDGuy]

I had a flashback a couple of days ago remembering more stuff involving my parents, and by the end of the flashback, I was ANGRY.... I had this image of me walking in on them while they were sexually abusing me, and cutting off their body parts. It was really strange, as soon as I pictured that, the flashback ended - like someone flipped a switch, and it was over...

Then yesterday, I had EMDR, and it went differently than before.. We were working on the same memory I've been working on since we started, and after picturing it in my mind, the T asked how disturbed I felt about it from 0 (nothing) to 7 (overwhelmingly disturbed. In the past I've always felt it strongly, so always said 6 or 7...

Yesterday, it was a ZERO... I could picture it, but I wasn't disturbed by it... All I kept thinking was what disgusting pigs my parents were. We worked on it some to see how things would go, and there was no guilt, no self-blame... nothing... I kept thinking that it would upset me like usual... but it didn't. At all. All I felt was anger - at them.

I've started telling some friends that I was physically and sexually abused growing up - because it's now so obvious now that I'm not to blame. After I told them, their comments were "I'm so sorry" - and we moved on to other things... I used to think if I ever said anything, people would think it was my fault, since that's how I saw it. Not any more...

I'm starting to think this EMDR stuff might actually work!

 

[somerandomguy]

You. Are. Amazing. You get a gold star because you are amazing!!